But, that’s how it’s supposed to be

  We all have expectations about life, people, and circumstances. We have a “norm” that we point our moral compass to. We usually don’t even think about it unless something happens out of the “norm” and it catches our attention. Even then we still might not sit and ponder the events like we should in order to get to the truth. The tugging of how it should be keeps us in a toxic relationship for too long and keeps us from digging deeper into what reality is and what we deserve. 

  Making excuses for a narcissist is very common. I did it. ”Oh he is sick today. It will get better. He is just having a bad day. I can change him! This can’t be happening because it just can’t be.” Our expectations don’t match up to a narcissist’s behavior and the gap between realizing this and getting free is the dark tunnel of abuse. But hey, don’t beat yourself up for expecting someone to be nice, kind, loving, giving, honest, and hard working, etc. The charm and the deceit makes it fuzzy and we wait and endure, but the norm never comes and most importantly doesn’t stay. The mean-nice-mean-nice cycle keeps us in it! The glimpse of the norm does happen, but it’s a false promise and until you go through enough of these cycles, you don’t realize the truth, because darn it, “IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE THIS WAY!” ”He’s so handsome, She’s so beautiful, He’s so charismatic, but He wants it to work out.” And on and on. We get sucked into thinking that these superficial traits somehow translate into; they are a good catch. Well, actions speak louder and great hair is just great hair. Yeah, I learned the hard way. I’m right there with you.

  Do you find yourself in the waiting game of “that’s how it’s supposed to be”? Well, you aren’t alone and it’s time to close the gap. Are you in the tunnel still? Is your footing unsure and your spirits dampening? Is it time to sit and ponder and maybe ask yourself some questions? You’re only human if your expectations were set properly. Just realize that your disappointment about those expectations could very well mean a much deeper truth that could be life changing. What’s your true reality today? Don’t be fooled by the hair and don’t get caught in the waiting game!

Have a wonderful weekend,

Ilaya

  

  

Chameleons, Colorful but Ubiquitous

Thank you narcsaremykryptonite for your support of my blog!! 

  Some of you may have read my fictional novel, The Chameleons Among Us. I so enjoyed writing the book, because it had such a strong purpose which was to shed light on the ubiquitous problem of narcissism highlighting the chameleon-like behavior that they exhibit. 

  Narcissists can be camouflaged at least for awhile as they perform underhanded tactics that seem so subtle sometimes, that us healthy people don’t put it together right away. They can somewhat adapt to their environment like a chameleon changing colors and stay hidden for the longest time before the light is shone on them and the truth comes out. Then they scurry around looking for another disguise, or another tactic to hide behind so that they can continue to bask in their glory of feeling superior like a chameleon sunning itself on a high rock in the desert. 

  And that’s just it. They need to feel superior don’t they? When they win an argument, they stand tall on that rock believing that they are larger than life and when they are caught in a pickle then they are scurrying around and going behind rocks to calculate their next moves. Whether it be the smear campaign, devaluing you, taking the credit for something you did, or gaslighting the heck out of every situation they can, it IS calculated. It is a planned attack to regain control, because their low self esteem depends on it. 

  Narcissists are everywhere and their abuse ranges from emotional, physical, and financial. Their many shades come out in order to dodge the truth, to score a win, or to regain the top position. Their boundaries are none and it’s a matter of life or death to them that they look good to others. They will throw you under the bus, step on you and do whatever it takes to convince you that you are wrong and lower than them in the food chain so to speak. They seek out the vulnerable and the weak. They will take money from the elderly and/or the wealthy. They will network to get something out of somebody if they can. They will show off, one up you, and dominate situations to caress their injured self identity as they seek to destroy yours. 

  Do you have any chameleons in your life called narcissists? Maybe it’s time to see all the colors and not just the one color they like to hide behind. 

   Sold on Amazon.

Have a wonderful day,

Ilaya

  

   

Not Everybody You Lose Is a Loss

Many of you who read my blog are currently in an abusive relationship or were once. You understand the relentless fighting and gaslighting that a narcissist puts on your relationship. It’s exhausting and having hope for happiness seems like a far away dream that is unattainable and not real to this world.

I’m here to tell you that there is hope. The countless lessons that I have learned being around narcissistic people have given me the drive to share, counsel, and support those who are confused and in the thick of it. It’s so common to know someone who has a “difficult” person in the family or the workplace. I personally see it within seconds and as you learn the tactics you will too. I cover 13 tactics in my book:

The Chameleons Among Us, sold on Amazon.

Narcissists are just down right relentless. That has been my main qualifying word for them for awhile. When they give you false promises, you should say “ok show me.” They respond to action especially if you do the action. If you follow through with reporting them at work or even leaving them, they will respond. Bad things may escalate and hopefully it will be temporary. When they loose control of you or the situation then there is an extinguishing affect where they go quiet. The most important thing is to have a support person or group and fight for your peace and future happiness. Keep your reality true.

A lot of victims miss their abusers, because of their charm and charisma, maybe beauty and popularity. But all I have to say is, not everyone you lose is a loss. Once you are on the other side and you also recognize other abusers in the world, you have this moment of feeling free, at peace, and like a new chapter can begin. You will never be able to tell a narcissist that he’s wrong. The conversation will always be in a circle and never moving forward with any purpose. I recently asked a narcissist a question, I just got a bunch of questions asked of me. I handled it by waiting for an answer for MY question and I told him so. The strength I have against toxic people is enormous due to educating myself, but also the grace I’ve been given to be a fighter, from birth. I wish I could pour my strength into everyone of you who is suffering. We are given a certain personality at birth I believe and I do think some of us just aren’t equipped with the gift of strength to speak up and confront abusers. Confrontation is something many people fear and boy ole boy is dealing with a narcissist confrontational. And narcissists seek out the weak.

Think of this blog as your support group. I am here to educate and support victims and survivors. Just remember if you lose a narcissist, it just might not be the loss you think it is. It should be a new beginning for you. Think of it as a win! I want that for you, just like I have, a winning life.

Blessings to you all,

Ilaya

Gone Sideways…

I heard a lady the other day talk about how her day “went sideways” due to fighting with her husband. It’s been awhile since I have heard that phrase and it got me thinking about how relationships with narcissists create this notion of “going sideways.”

I looked up the meaning of this phrase and it basically had words like “a challenge, not going as expected, tense, and creating chaos.” I thought yep, this is a good way to describe life with a narcissist. They sure do all of those things. They are challenging beyond what you can imagine. Life doesn’t move forward in a positive way but instead explodes like a firecracker with the debris blowing, yes you guessed it, sideways. The end result after the explosion is just that, a mess to clean up and nothing to show for it except a memory of a loud bang. A bang you don’t want to hear. They create tension among many people and chaos to distort reality and to launch smear campaigns.

Has your life gone sideways? Did you give up your dreams? Have you lost your identity? Are you depressed most days and don’t understand why? Do you feel like that firecracker debris lying there just waiting for a breeze to blow you around because you are just existing and not living with positive intention?

It’s time to stop blowing around in circles in a whirlwind of chaos. It’s time to put the stick in gear and go forward with the life you were intended to have. I hope my blog sheds light on narcissism in a way that is relatable and digestible enough to make a difference in many lives. I encourage you to not be pushed sideways in a toxic relationship. Moving forward in life is how dreams come true, peace prevails, and happiness is restored. I wish that for all narcissistic abuse survivors out there.

Blessings,

Ilaya (Author of The Chameleons Among Us)