Masters of…Sabotaging

I love when I hear a story about a narcissist then I can write a blog post to share it with everyone. What comes to mind is the saying, “jack of all trades and master of none,” except that it really is the opposite when you are dealing with a narcissist. They are masters of plenty and it isn’t good.

Do you ever think to yourself, “what just happened?” How about, “why would she do that?” I bet like most people you give the benefit of the doubt and blow it off as a miscommunication, a misunderstanding, or how about just plain can’t believe that someone can be so destructive, deceitful, and unbelievable. I guess your reaction to situations all depends on where you are in your journey and how much knowledge you have. Let me tell you, the next time you question things sit back analyze and think it through, it might be beneficial for you to not give the benefit of the doubt to everyone. I know we want to, but not everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt, because narcissists have agendas and the main one is to make you look bad and them superior. That is a basic defense mechanism and clear sign of a narcissist.

I recently was around a family and I had a heads up about a particular lady. I watched her from across the room as she smiled and acted friendly. I saw her directing people at the gathering, or I guess I should say bossing and controlling what people did minute by minute. There was a cake involved at this gathering that was made by an outside party. I’ll spare you the details so let me just say the cake was sabotaged to look bad for the magical moment of bringing out the cake. Everyone was caught off guard with this behavior which is easy because again most of us give people the benefit of the doubt. The narcissist didn’t have anything to do with getting the cake made so the attention wouldn’t be on her so why not sabotage it to look bad. Yes, it is hard to believe that someone would do this, but remember narcissists have to be the center of attention or get credit. They can’t stand when others look better than them and they will cross boundaries to manipulate the situation to make someone else look bad. The saving grace to this story is the cake was incredibly tasty and everyone loved it and the looks of it didn’t matter. Haha, a win for the good side right? Absolutely!

The bottom line is, narcissists will go out of their way to sabotage anything or anyone. If you have the knowledge, you can be prepared to speak up right when things happen and call out their behavior, which narcissists hate. Their behavior can strike you by surprise anytime and anywhere, so be aware and be on your toes when you know a narcissist is involved with any plans or any gatherings. If they aren’t the reason for the gathering, then be on guard to head off any sabotaging acts which is what they need to do to feel good about themselves. It’s a defense mechanism and they I believe enjoy watching people jump through extra hoops and walk on eggshells around them. Stop making excuses for them and start calling them out for what is real. I hope this makes sense and helps people understand narcissism a bit better.

Ilaya, Author of “The Chameleons Among Us”

Always Messing with Someone

Narcissists are always “messing” with someone. Did you know that? It’s their way of life. It’s their goal. It’s absolutely necessary for them to survive their insecurities.

A friend of mine was wondering why the narcissist in her family hasn’t “messed” with her in awhile. The answer is simple, he has been messing with someone else. She’s off his radar right now because the reward and necessity is with someone else. It’s funny how tidbits of information trickle in from the community to my friend so she understands what’s going on and it helps to reassure her that her feelings toward the narcissist are real. When they don’t “mess” with you in awhile it’s easy to fall back into doubting your thoughts creating a sense of guilt within you because maybe you got them wrong. Turns out this particular narcissist is messing with someone at his work. Of course he is. His new job provides new victims and of course he has to look like the better employee. It’s like a challenge to them what they can get away with. Life is a game and their tactics can be subtle!

Narcissists will not live with boundaries. So I can only imagine what he is doing at his job to make himself look good while playing games with the other employee. I only pray that the truth comes out. Seriously! I have another friend who worked in the dental industry. She had her room all ready for the next dental procedure, but she didn’t know that the narcissist in her office had moved key instruments so that when it came time to need those tools the dentist yelled at her for not being prepared. Yes, it is unbelievable that there are people out there like this. Don’t let your reality get twisted and don’t let it happen twice!

So, what can you do if you suspect a narcissist in your work space? Well, I hope this knowledge is step one and step two is watch your back! Lock up your desk. Log out of your computer. Pretend to walk away only to come back quicker than a normal bathroom or coffee run. Be aware! If it smells fishy well it probably isn’t above board. Remember narcissists don’t go to work with a good heart, a genuine smile or good intentions. They have an agenda and that is to look superior however they can achieve it!

My friend was told to enjoy this time of reprieve. Yes, unfortunately once the narcissist has exhausted his tactics at his work place he will have to find another victim or fall back onto an old victim. Always remember, they have to be “messing” with someone. If you know how they operate that someone doesn’t have to be you!

Part of me is happy I understand narcissism. I can smell one 20 miles away just like a bear smells a sandwich in a backpack just as far. It’s kind of fun to call them out on their behavior with facts they can’t dispute. I love helping people see the light and I will continue to share my thoughts and shed the light!

Have a wonderful day everyone!

Ilaya, Author of “The Chameleons Among Us”

Emotional Weapons

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A weapon is something used to injure, defeat, or destroy.  Usually it’s a physical object, but it doesn’t always have to be a concrete object.  Those of us who have dealt with a narcissist know this first hand.

Narcissists use many tactics to harm their victims or to rise above others at least in their minds.  I call these tactics emotional weapons.  Let that sink in.  Some of their tactics are so subtle that they are hard to detect, but nonetheless can be placed in this category.  Narcissists love to create chaos, especially emotionally.  They act in a way to cause a myriad of negative emotions sometimes affecting not just the victim, but also many others causing collateral damage that can be extensive.

Take lying for example.  Narcissists lie quite often to distort reality, gaslight, and keep people on their toes or walking on eggshells.  Have you experienced this?  Unfortunately, they are very believable so the subtle emotional weapon is invisible, so to speak.  Only after many rounds of confusion does the victim possibly understand that something is wrong or awry.  Through the distortion and smoke screens lies the truth, however, the truth is rarely uncovered especially without the knowledge of their hidden deceitful ways.

Emotional weapons are in a way worse than seeing a definite object that is used for a crime.  It’s a little hard to distort reality if there is a murder weapon such as a knife or a gun, right?  Precious time is wasted on crying, yelling, being angry, and confused due to the invisible nature of their abusive behavior.  One result of their emotional abuse that really stands out to me is when a victim looses his or her identity.  A lot of times, the ongoing war with a narcissist results in the victim living a life that is the opposite of who they used to be and who they want to be.  This is unacceptable!

Are you loosing your identity in your relationship due to invisible emotional weapons being used against you by your partner who is supposed to be your rock, your love and your best friend?  Think about it.  It’s ok, don’t beat yourself up over it.  Invisible can’t be seen, right?  You didn’t know.

Emotional weapons are real, horrible, and invisible.  Educate yourself about how a narcissist controls you and changes your life.  Their cookie-cutter personality isn’t hard to figure out if you know exactly what is happening and why they do what they do.  It might be time to be an emotional weapon buster!!  Free yourself and get your life back!   🙂

Hope you are having an incredible day!  Take care during these very difficult times.

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Ilaya

 

 

Deadlines

Deadline

Do you live with someone who gives you deadlines?  You may say what do you mean, “deadlines.”  Grab your coffee and have a seat.

One thing I love to do on this blog is to give real life testimony of behavior that I hear about in order to shed light on the narcissist in a very real way.  I don’t want to just list character traits or tactics, but instead relate to my readers with real life experiences.  These experiences that I describe will blow away the smoke screen on the very subtle hidden agendas that the narcissist uses to control you.

After talking to a very close friend who knows a narcissist, the word deadline came up.  It quickly brought back some memories for myself and here I am again early in the morning writing about it.  Has anyone ever given you a deadline?  Now, I don’t mean a deadline at work for a project nor do I mean a deadline for buying tickets for an event.  What I mean is a deadline within your relationship on an interpersonal level.  Have you been told that you are to tell your friend that she has a deadline to get back to you about hanging out.  Hanging out with you and your narcissist of course.  You know the friend who doesn’t care for your significant other who you have been isolated from?  If you are still married to the narcissist and your friend really doesn’t like him, do you think all of a sudden she wants to hang out?  Of course not.  The narcissist is setting you up, but at the same time looks like the good guy who is trying to get you back in touch with your friend.  You see?  Same thing goes with family members.  The narcissist will try to get you back in touch with someone to look like a good guy but he knows he isn’t liked so you will be disappointed and confused when these people refuse to hang out with you or jump through his hoops/demands.  It must be their fault you know?  He has isolated you and is further confusing you by giving a deadline as a tactic of control. You being sad is his goal.  Again, remember he looks good and those other people well, they aren’t worthy of hanging out, look they don’t even follow the deadline!  Right?

If you ever think, “wait a minute, why am I given this deadline?”  If it doesn’t feel right, IT ISN’T!  You are made to believe that deadlines in relationships are normal and that people who don’t follow them are inferior.  Instead the truth is, the narcissist knows the deadline won’t be followed and he will swoop in and be the hero showing you that you only need him and these other people who ARE onto him don’t matter.  But, see you don’t know that the other people are onto him like the narcissist knows because you are constantly told a lie.  If the deadline is followed then the narcissist gets the attention that he has set himself up to get.  It’s a win win for the narcissist!

If someone puts deadlines on you or your loved ones, it’s not normal, nor very loving.  It isn’t togetherness and it isn’t compromising which healthy relationships do.  It is very one-sided and selfish, but the key is, it doesn’t look like that!  Narcissists are sneaky and calculating and operate with hidden agendas.  He may get angry when the deadline isn’t followed or he doesn’t get enough attention or drama from his purposeful motives.  The red flag should go up when you see this anger.  It is very hard to not get sucked into the tactics.  Only people who know how narcissists operate will be able to skirt around these deadlines and not give the attention that is so desperately needed by the narc.  My friends didn’t give the attention that was asked for and out of the blue there was a deadline.  Haha.  Narcissists always deploy a tactic to regain control.  They are playing the game and the narcissist doesn’t even know how much he is the one being played.  Being calm and staying true to yourself will frustrate a narcissist to the core.  Don’t let anyone put a deadline on your response or your actions.

Deadlines are for the work environment, not for at home!  All you have to do is say “NO!” to regain control of your life.  You don’t have to do some twisted hidden agenda like the narcissist does in his life.  Just simply say “NO” to deadlines and abuse!  Don’t be controlled.

I hope this sheds some light on the narcissist in your life.

Have a beautiful day.

say no

Ilaya