Agreements Sometimes Aren’t Good

two-people-shaking-hands-free-cliparts-that-you-can-download-to-you-8cE9oD-clipartAs we go through life we have different experiences that form our belief system.  It’s rare that most of us don’t go through some sort of trials.  These trials are supposed to make us stronger but more subtly they encourage us to make agreements.

These agreements I’m talking about aren’t good.  For example, if a boyfriend or girlfriend breaks up with us, we might make an agreement that we aren’t good enough or pretty enough etc.  We might in our minds say that “love doesn’t stay.”  We may loose faith in love and on a conscious level don’t even realize it.  When we see a friend or family member have all the good stuff in life, we might say to ourselves, “Yep, I’m just not good enough to have all of that.”  It’s almost like part of our heart is locked and the key thrown out because we aren’t open to receiving because of our agreement.

We make agreements in every day life, but when we are in a relationship with a narcissist the agreements are abundant.  We make agreements when we are vulnerable and making us vulnerable is a narcissist’s forte.  They beat us down so we think we aren’t good enough.  We talk ourselves into believing we aren’t worthy of anything better.  We talk ourselves into giving up our dreams and we let our self esteem plummet.  Agreements are abundant in a narcissistic relationship damaging the victim to extremes making the recovery process arduous.

Making agreements with distortions, lies and accusations is the norm with a narcissist.  They smell our vulnerabilities and create new ones where possible.  They know where we are vulnerable and they enjoy seeing us make agreements over and over again in order to serve them,  supply them with fuel and worse of all, loose ourselves.  They want us to suffer internally just like they are.  They camouflage the truth tricking you into mind games that launch you into bad agreements for your heart and mind.

We need to guard our hearts instead of locking it up and giving the keys away.  We need to realize that we make agreements during vulnerable times and narcissists can be a catalyst.  Instead of saying, “I’m not good enough” I want you to say, “I am good enough and I am loved.”  Do a heart check.  Look at your belief system.  Stop the narcissist from making you make agreements with the wrong entity.  What agreements have you made and what can you do to change it?  Remember, when we refuse to deal with the deep hurts of our heart we are vulnerable once again.

Have a wonderful day with an agreement to love yourself and go after your dreams.

Ilaya,  Author of The Chameleons Among Us

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“The Power of Love”

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Well, the message during the royal wedding was about love.  It was a great message and so very true.

Rev. Curry talked about how love can change the world.  Love can make an old world new.  He talked about how love is not self-centered and how there is tremendous power in love.

If all of us demonstrated love for others, the world would be a better place.  So many of us are quick to judge a situation or assume the worst about others.  So many people don’t seek understanding first before they jump to conclusions.  I’m at fault for this and hope to continue to grow and love more.  I would love to look at the world through an innocent child’s eyes again, but I’ll have to settle for working hard to make myself a better person each day.

If you are in a relationship with a narcissist there is no love and there never will be.  You can hope for them to change, but odds aren’t in your favor.  If a narcissist never thinks he/she is wrong then how can they grow?  Their superiority complex and internal needs overcome everything.  They don’t know how to love.  They don’t know how to have a healthy relationship because it’s all about their needs and love isn’t self-centered.  One of the main characteristics of a narcissist is extreme selfishness.  Remember the old saying “you can’t squeeze blood out of a turnip”?  Well, you can’t squeeze authentic love out of a narcissist.  Period.  So why look there?

I think we all want a partner who looks at us with those endearing looks of love.  You know that deep heart felt all-consuming love?  Well, it’s worth waiting for.  The peace of a healthy relationship is worth it.  We shouldn’t settle for anything less and our younger generation should wait until they have butterflies in the stomachs before rushing into marriage.  Time needs to pass for the real personalities to reveal themselves before the “I do’s.”

Love is a wonderful thing.  I think if more people understood how an abusive relationship with a narcissist unfolds, victims would get more support.  Family members might not judge so quickly and they would support their loved ones more.  There would be more love, period.  There would be more understanding and victims could get out sooner with help.  We need more compassion for victims and victims need to support each other.  The manipulative tactics of a narcissist are mind scrambling for the victims and to describe it to others is a difficult thing.  We need more books and movies depicting life with a narcissist.  It’s an intriguing subject to say the least.

I wish extending love to a narcissist would change them.  I don’t have that belief.  Narcissists show their kind of “love” to those who give them fuel.  By this I mean their friends who do things for them and give them attention.  They are fake to them in order to get something out of them.  If you have crossed a narcissist you will probably get only revenge and no “love” because they believe they are the victim.  The false remembrance of the past tells themselves that you are their enemy so you will get their revenge.  Either way the narcissist doesn’t show true love to anyone.  This is truly sad and everyone in this world needs to understand this personality disorder that can be at your home or workplace.

Love is a wonderful thing only if it’s authentic.  It needs to be without strings attached and without judgment.  Love is contagious.  How can you truly love someone today?  Do you need to stop judging people and situations with negative self talk?  Love truly could change the world, if only we were all on the same page.

Ilaya,  Author of The Chameleons Among Us

When Do You Learn A lot About Narcissists?

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Narcissists can be male or female.  I chose to say he in this post to make it easier.

When do you see the huge red flag of a narcissist?  The answer is when he doesn’t get what he wants.

Just think, if we all knew this little clue when we were dating how much stress we would’ve avoided.  We all know actions speak louder than words, but do we acknowledge this when a narcissist goes into a rage or tantrum.  This is what a narcissist does when he doesn’t get what he wants.  When we are “dating” we just want our loved one to be okay, be happy, or most of us try to compensate and smooth things over, but in reality we need to be telling ourselves, “He’s acting like a two year old.  Is this who I want to continue dating or marry?”

If you are dating someone who can’t take not getting what he wants, pay attention to the huge red flag before you.  Raging and going into a tantrum isn’t normal for an adult.  Don’t you want to be with someone who grows from experiences and figures out solutions with maturity and wisdom.  Yes, you might say at a younger age there isn’t the maturity and wisdom, but in that case give it some time and see if the behavior continues.  If you know how a narcissist acts, you will be able to spot one.

Who wants to be with someone who is embarrassing and controlling all because he was denied what he felt entitled to have?  Nobody.  It’s emotionally draining and a dark cloud over your life.  Tell your kids about this clue when they are dating or maybe YOU needed to hear this.  You want a partner who will be on the same page of maturity as you.  A narcissist will keep taking from you because his entitlement supersedes all other boundaries.  If your gut is talking to you, LISTEN!  Putting time on your side helps shed the light on the exact person you are dating.  Keep a journal and refer to it when you are feeling down about the relationship.  If you have a journal full of tantrums and rages especially over small things,  you might want to reconsider continuing the relationship.  It’s really bad when you have to ask yourself, “What is he mad about again?”

Don’t get your head spinning too fast with the chaos around the entitlement of a narcissist.  A journal doesn’t lie.  Try it.  It might save you a lot of grief.

Have a wonderful day.

Ilaya,  Author of The Chameleons Among Us.

The Path of Destruction

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As I sit and look out my window at the sunset, I shake my head.  I shake my head at the path of destruction that has happened in my life all because of a narcissist.

Since I’m still healing and will be for a long time, I rethink the past a lot and try to understand what exactly happened.  It’s ugly and I wish it never happened.  My own family told me that I was a horrible mother for not packing up everything and everyone and moving away from the abuser.  They thought going on the run was the answer.  I couldn’t believe my ears when I heard this and tried to explain that I couldn’t do this because the police would come after me due to the children.  Even in my extreme worse, during the intense emotional roller coaster, I knew right from wrong.  Besides, leaving my job and not being able to provide would be rather stupid.  Just saying, lol.  The bottom line, the narcissist caused a lot of problems with my family so now I haven’t spoken to them in a number of years.  It’s okay, I wasn’t ever close to them anyway and there were other underlying problems.  Besides I don’t need advice from people who are so heartless in their words.  Because of this I have learned self-love and hard boundaries.  Thank you family!  I so wish my family could see how Mother’s day goes for me…lol…..from past Mother’s day, I would say that I’m much appreciated.  My strength and endurance paid off.  Standing up for the truth, has left long lasting healthy relationships with my children.  It doesn’t get better than that!

What did I need from them during those rough times.  How about, “Hey, what can we do?” or “Are you okay?”  I never heard those words, but maybe they didn’t know how to express their feelings.  Nevertheless, the past is in the past and I’m just reflecting on it.  I view it as part of the path of destruction by one single person.  It’s truly amazing how much a narcissist can destroy and how many lives they affect during the destruction.  Narcissists love drama, and want to isolate you from your family.  Maybe more global awareness will help save family relationships.  I can only hope.  Victims need to be supported instead of being judged and ridiculed.

The good thing is, I have learned who my true friends are.  People come and go in our lives as the journey continues toward death.  A true friend would never say anything positive about a covert narcissist because a true friend would listen and understand the extreme pain that comes with a relationship with one.  There is nothing positive to say about a narcissist who leaves a path of destruction intentionally hurting others.  A true friend would also keep me informed of any news about the narcissist that he/she may know that would affect my life.  Telling me news after I ask just isn’t the same.  My heart just sank writing that.  Oh well.

A true friend would also keep in touch and check in every now and then.  I’ve been through hell and I guess it’s too much to ask for someone to say “Are you okay?”  “What can I do?”  “Hey, I’m busy right now, but I’ll call you soon.”  Just say something, you know?  Again, I am truly the strongest woman I know and I have been told that by acquaintances who don’t even know the whole story.  It truly hurts when the people who are supposed to be close to me don’t come through.  I thank those who do come through and give me a word of encouragement or a prayer.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

I will persevere through this as well.   Actually, this is nothing compared to fighting a narcissist.  At least I’m ready for anything else that gets thrown at me during my life.  I’ve been plenty prepared for any battle that comes my way and my faith has been strengthened for which I’m grateful.

But to be honest, I just want peace and happiness.  I want laughter with friends and a normal life again!  I’m working toward it.  I recently had to be strong once again and since I know the tactics, I was successful.  I’m the queen of dealing with the narcissistic mind.  It’s easy once you know how they operate and kind of funny when you can beat them at their own games with their own words!  Score!

Here’s to the future!  Here’s to my recovery!  There’s no stopping this girl from meeting all her goals and being happy.  I will persevere and succeed in all I do with or without the people who I thought were friends.

Stop that path of destruction in your life now.  Start rebuilding as soon as possible because the hurts are deep and the recovery takes time.  You can do it!

Think about where you are in the path of destruction.  You are either in the direct path and will be hit because you are in a narcissistic relationship and need more education.  You could be in the eye of the storm where he/she is being nice only for the storm to move a bit and then you are in the rains and wind again.  Or you are like me.  You are that brick building in the outer bands of the storm since you still have to have contact due to children.  I can neither hear the light rains nor will I be damaged by the winds anymore.  I’m only touched by the weaker bands that do no damage, but just mess my hair up a bit.  🙂

I’m giving all of those survivors high fives right now!  It’s going to be alright!  Besides, if you endured a narcissist you are as tough as nails!  :-)!

Ilaya,   A warrior, A survivor, A woman with a life to live.

 

 

I’m in the top 50!

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This girl who has been through hell over decades has created a blog that is in the top fifty of the best blogs about narcissism on the internet!

You can see the list at:  https://blog.feedspot.com/narcissist_blogs/

I’m proof that you can take a horrific trial and help others.  I’m shedding light on a horrible personality disorder that the world needs to be aware of.  People from all over the world look at my blog daily proving that there is a need to understand narcissistic personality disorder.  People are struggling in their relationships and are searching for answers.  That is the first step to healing!  Keep healing warriors!

I plan to continue to bless others as long as I can.  What a blessing to be recognized and I say the sky is the limit!  Like the song says, “It’s going to be alright!”

I’m going to have a great day,  how about you?

Ilaya,  Author of The Chameleons Among Us

 

 

 

It’s Going To Be Alright!

The other day this song came on the radio.  It made me happy and I even smiled.  If you look at the big picture, it really is going to be alright!  When you’re in the middle of a narcissistic battle though it’s hard to see that.  You have so many emotions overlapping and sometimes you just need a song to clear your head.  Music is great therapy.

Remember one step at a time.  Don’t hit the panic button.  Turn up the radio and smile.

You will be alright! 🙂

Ilaya

P.S. I see a song like this at the end of a movie exposing narcissism to the world.  Just saying!  Hollywood lets do this!

 

You Won’t Change Their Mind

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Narcissists are in their own world.  They will think what they want to think and you can’t change it.  If you try to change it, well, put your seatbelt on for the ride of your life.

Victims spend so much time trying to convince a narcissist what the truth really is because the distortion of reality is epic.  It’s unbelievable to the folks who live in reality what narcissists will say as truth.  Their desperate desire to control and manipulate distorts their reality and what sometimes (or maybe I should say most of the time) comes out of their mouth is anything but something far from the truth.

Narcissists either have to be the victim or they have to win.  They need to dominate every conversation and put you in your place.  If you don’t know your place you will pay a price.  The game will continue until you are exhausted and have no more fight.

Victims simply fight to explain the true history of events or perhaps what someone said or didn’t say.  Whatever the circumstance you can bet that it’s an everyday occurrence and the bizarreness and intensity only gains momentum to reach an end of devastation and chaos.  It’s “crazy-making” to say the least.

After months, years, or even decades of playing this game, victims either have lost their own sense of reality or are beaten down to a point that their identity is lost and happiness is a faint memory.  Victims sometimes give in to the absurdity and quit fighting back.  Some use this quieter time to find a way out while others stay and continue to be confused on what’s happening.   The bottom line is YOU WILL NEVER CHANGE THEIR MIND.  If you know you’re with a narcissist, quit trying to change their mind.  Quit trying to explain the truth and convince them that they are wrong.  It’s a complete waste of time and is detrimental to your own life and health.

I feel sad for all of those victims who don’t know that they’re with a narcissist.  Their lives are wasted fighting against a personality disorder that is larger than any human being is capable of standing up against successfully.  So how to you fight back?  The only way is to stop the fuel supply that you’re giving understandably to save the relationship.  Stop getting upset and stop trying to explain.  Keep your emotions to a minimal and educate yourself.  You must make sure that you don’t let him/her make you crazy and have reality distorted.  If you have to, write things down to remember the truth.  Just remember, YOU CAN’T CHANGE THEIR MIND!  That doesn’t mean just today, that means everyday.  Let me repeat that, it’s not just today or part of the time, it’s everyday!  Once you come to that conclusion you have freed yourself from a serious grasp of someone who has ill intentions to hurt you.  Let me tell you, the after-affects are real and devastating which is right in line with their goal.

Where are you today?  Are you still trying to fight for the truth with the narcissist in your life?  Are you fueling the never ending cycle of narcissistic abuse by trying to change his/her mind?  You may find that remaining calm, factual, and unemotional is the way to go until you can truly find peace.  You deserve that peace, but if you don’t know that you’re in a relationship with a narcissist I don’t blame you for trying to make it work.  Don’t blame yourself! Instead of changing his/her mind, maybe you need to change your own mind.  It’s okay, because it’s a healthy boundary out of self-love.  Sometimes it’s out of self-preservation!

I want to shout out to a person who emailed me.  He thanked me extensively for not only shedding light on narcissism but also my heart warming posts.  His email proved that narcissism is a global problem that needs global exposure.  His email proves that narcissism has no gender boundaries.  It’s a real problem in our everyday lives whether it’s at home or work.  Hearing that I have helped him, makes all of this worthwhile.  May my words continue to reach people all over the world and bless them with knowledge and power to regain the happiness that they once had.  Choose to make the best of the worst!  You can do it!

Ilaya

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