The Effects Come Out Later…

We all know that narcissists lack self esteem and therefore abuse others to feel good. The list of their tactics is long and their abuse is relentless. How does this abuse effect their children down the road? How many of you are dealing with children who have been suppressed by an abuser and now you are starting to see how bad the damage really is?

Children will act out eventually from their childhood trauma. I wanted to touch upon one major problem that parents might see in their abused children. That result is a self sabotaging behavior which creates problems in daily living and life goals. Kids might procrastinate their chores or homework out of fear of failure resulting in getting in trouble or not doing well in school. Parents, approach procrastination with love at first and try to get to the bottom of why and not assume it’s laziness.

Other self sabotaging behaviors are self medication with alcohol and drugs, overeating, and forms of self injury. All of these behaviors stem from a lack of belief in oneself. Where does this lack stem from? You got it, the abuse in their childhood. Think about it. The child gets the most attention from their narc parent when they are angry. So, when they get older, they are stuck in this behavior of getting attention when people are angry. So if your child is creating situations that are making people angry maybe there’s a pattern that they are stuck in from their toxic childhood. Imagine wanting to get people angry at you for attention. To the outsider or the “normal” parent this seems crazy and incomprehensible. But it’s real. The abused child doesn’t have self worth unless it’s tied to attention by getting people angry because that’s how they grew up. Wow, it’s great to correlate this and I hope it helps my readers!

Another reason for self sabotaging behaviors is to maintain control of a situation. They already know they will fail at the task so why not procrastinate and be in control of the failure? This would relate to schoolwork for example.

Parents who are raising children with a narcissistic parent, please be aware of the future side effects of the abuse. Co-parenting is extremely hard and then moving forward into the future as your child grows can and probably will have additional problems. I wanted to share the self sabotaging behavior correlation so that you can be on the look out for this.

I hope this information helps the parents out there who are fighting for the well being of their children despite the relentless efforts of the narcissistic parent to destroy everyone in their path. Be aware of the signs of self sabotaging behavior and try to get your child into counselling. If counselling isn’t an option, then read up on self sabotaging on your own and open up a conversation with your children.

Undoing the damage from a narcissist is tough, but you can do it! Read and educate yourself for the sake of the next generation. Support and love one another!

Take care,

Ilaya

Not just local but global

I’m so glad that I’m back on my blog again posting information that can change people’s lives forever. People from Australia, Croatia, United States and United Kingdom read my last post. Isn’t that amazing? Narcissism isn’t just in your local area, it is a global problem! It’s not just in your marriage or in your family, it’s everywhere and don’t forget the workplace.

I named my book “The Chameleons Among Us” because I related the tactics and behaviors of a narcissist to a chameleon. Chameleons can camouflage themselves in their environment. Narcissists adjust their tactics by analyzing the room they are in. Right? Sometimes they might misjudge the room but most of the time they can be abusive but it can be subtle. Behind closed doors they are a different person, but out in public they change don’t they? I thought my title was a good one, sorry for the scary cover. But hey, narcissists are scary!!!

Got to tell you a funny one. You know how narcissists are promiscuous in their thoughts? Well, I know of a narcissist that misjudged a room. He messed up and now the family sees it!!! This is a win for the good team. He actually tried to gaslight and tell a brother and sister that the brother did a lude physical act on his sister. I’ll skip the details of the “act.” It was so outrageous of a comment that the brother now sees the problem with this guy. The sister actually piped up and said “ah yeah don’t think that ever happened!” This brother and sister pair are really good down to earth people raised very conservatively. Boy did the narcissist misjudge his gaslight attempt to try to convince this family that they are crazy and weird and distort history and reality. Just this one example is a common thing to happen, but if you aren’t informed you could have really had your head scrambled, right?

Empower yourselves everyone! This is everywhere! If things don’t add up, don’t just ignore the signs! If you have a red flag listen to it and run the other way!

Thanks again for reading! I’m proud to call myself a survivor and I love helping all of you! I’m thankful for the narcissist above to give me content to help others and that his gaslight attempt failed. 🙂

Have the best day!

Ilaya

Discard Part 3

Welcome to part 3 of coping with the discard. Jenny continues with her list of coping tricks:

11. Make sure you are eating and sleeping well- If this is a struggle, journal how many hours you are sleeping each  night and what you eat each day to help yourself keep track.

12. Look into trauma focused therapists and healing tools- Not all therapists get how to treat trauma or narcissistic abuse. Connecting with and trusting your therapist is super important.

13. Try to use your brain- Do crossword puzzles, play video games, memorize a list of words in another language, or read. This helps with the rumination and gets you thinking about other things you enjoy or want to learn.

14. Be kind to yourself- This is a great time to get that massage, eat the ice-cream, take a bubble bath, or do something nice for you. You have just been through a lot. This was not your fault; a disordered person unfairly hurt and took advantage of you. All of those pits in your stomach, tense necks, tight chests, and stiff hips are signs from your body that you need to care for yourself and be compassionate during your recovery. Take time for you.

What a great list from Jenny the author. I can relate to tense necks. I had a tense neck for many many years straight! I thought it was just normal and then I would get headaches from it. Only after I left the relationship did my neck relax and I realized how much the stress was affecting my body. Not anymore!

You know what else struck me in the above tips? “A disordered person unfairly hurt and took advantage of you.” Wow is that sentence packed with truth and power. You must come to terms with the fact they are/were dysfunctional and that it isn’t your fault. Once you let that go then you can harness the power of putting the blame on them and forgiving yourself for getting involved. Don’t even go there that it’s your fault!! Let me repeat: They are disordered and dysfunctional hurtful people. Be glad for the discard and if you left like I did, embrace the enormous strength that it took to do so. You are powerful and you can do this!

I truly hope the healing and coping ideas have helped. Jenny’s book is informative and mine is inspirational with encouragement that you can uncover the tactics and expose the truth!!!!

Here are the links to our books:

Stay tuned for more information about narcissism.

Blessings,

Ilaya Baxter

The Discard-Part 2

The discard phase of a narcissistic relationship can be very traumatic to the victim. This phase incorporates a mix of emotions along with confusion. Sorting through these emotions is hard to do without some intentional living. Coping during this time is extremely difficult and I want to share more coping tricks from Jenny Tamasi so that you can live intentionally to get through this difficult time.

6. Declutter- Get rid of the pictures, presents, and all things in your house that remind you of your ex. If this is too hard, put it all in a box and tape it shut and put it somewhere hard to reach.

7. Be Mindful– Try to take a five minute break when things get tough and ask yourself, “What do I see right now?” “What do I hear?”  “What can I smell?” This helps you stay present. Maybe even write your mindful observations down in a journal.

8. Write– Each day try to write down five things that make you feel grateful. Include small things like the new tea you bought that you had with breakfast, your warm bed, the sunny sky, your sister’s phone call, you got to work on time, etc.  It is healing to look back on a week or two of these lists to remind yourself that even during all this chaos, you still have good things in your life. Also, try jotting down your feelings as they come, just recognizing them helps and remind yourself that they will pass.

9. Identify what is happening on the inside– Do not judge your feelings during this time. Recognize that your body is reacting to a very traumatic event. When you are flooded with emotions, try to recognize what triggered you. Tell yourself, “I am triggered; my anxiety and sadness will pass.”  Learn about the neurobiological response to trauma.  If people tell you to, “Just snap out of it,” or to “Move on, he/she was a jerk,” they do not get it! Realize that your body is going through some adjustments. You may feel up and down emotionally for a while, that just means your nervous system is trying to reset.

10. Identify three people to be your support system. These people are your on-call break up buddies that will let you stay over, come over to your place, or chat with you anytime that you need. Make sure that they are willing and have the time to play this role. Try to get moving with them too, maybe you talk while going for walks, drives, or exercising together.

I hope these coping strategies are helping you pass through this difficult time. Jenny and I would love some feedback if these ideas are helping and if our books are shedding the light on the narcissistic personality. Part 3 will have four more tricks for you, so stay tuned!

Have a great day everyone! Take care and remember to count your blessings!

Ilaya, Author of “The Chameleons Among Us”

Here’s a link to Jenny’s book too!