Quiet your mind…

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As I get older I find myself enjoying an environment lacking stimulation especially before I go to bed.  The world is full of stimuli and fewer people in this new generation enjoy quiet moments.  It’s a sad shift that will have ramifications.  When I see people having to have the TV on, music in their ears most of the day, or their cell phone within reach in order to look at it every few minutes, I know people are missing out on precious, quiet, self-reflecting, much needed time.

Do you have many times where you can calm down your mind?  I know from experience that if you are living with a narcissist quiet moments are few and far between.  One of my readers wants to hear more examples of life with a narcissist, so here I go.  Can you get through a workday without having to talk to the narcissist?  I know one story where a narcissist demanded for his wife to come to the phone during her work day.  But, let me explain further, as he talked to the front office person he made sure he said, “Can I talk to my lovely wife, she’s the best.”  As the wife got on the phone he quickly turned into the monster he was and barraged her with abuse and anger.  Sound familiar?  Don’t you think you could get through at least most of the day without having to talk to your spouse especially if there isn’t anything to talk about it?  Narcissists get jealous and suspicious easily.  Do you know why?  Because they are guilty and they want to control you!  It’s simple.

Have many of you fight darn near all night long with your spouse?  They don’t want you to sleep, because its their way or no way and they simply don’t care about your well- being.  Their goal is to break you down into unrecognizable pieces.  Sorry if this seems harsh, but I don’t beat around the bush.

How many of you can’t go shopping after work without a huge interrogation about where you are going?  How about some phone calls to interrupt your shopping?  Can’t hang out with friends, but I bet they sure can.  Right?  What’s good for them is only good for them in their minds.  Well, you are an adult and this is for the birds!

How many of you have turned your cell phone off to avoid his calls so you could have peace?  Did you get yelled at for this?  You aren’t a child anymore and you shouldn’t be treated like one.  The essence is that the narcissist isn’t trusting of you because he can’t be trusted.  Besides what better way to divert his bad behavior by being angry at you because you must be cheating and not shopping.  See how this works?  Not to mention his desperate need to control every aspect of your life.  It’s manipulation.

Peace is not happening when you’re with a narcissist.  You can’t sleep, you can’t work uninterrupted and sometimes you can’t even listen to music as you drive to work because he has to call just like Sarah’s experience in the novel The Chameleons Among Us.

Quieting your mind is imperative and I would recommend you do this daily.  It’s healthy.  Clarity will come and good decisions can be made.  Whatever you need to do to find quietness, I say do it.  Our bodies can’t keep up the pace forever.  The toxic interactions daily will catch up to you and I don’t want to see you completely broken without life.  Broken into unrecognizable pieces.  This is the destructive path.

I’m off to have a few quiet moments to myself, because I can anytime I want to.  I’m free and you can be also!                                       🙂

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Ilaya

 

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Choices…

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I love when I have a few minutes to just think.  After a few very hectic days I allowed myself to sit on my bed and just slow down my mind and body.  Fruit usually is the result.  Whether it be an idea for a blog post or remembering something I need to do.

In life we have choices.  This has become even more clear to me as I raise teenagers.  I try to instill good values, integrity, and warn about the peer pressures.  We all hope that our children make good choices when they are out and about when we aren’t there.  This is my hope.  I stressed the consequences of bad choices because sometimes those ramifications last forever.  My kids seem to get it, I think.

As an adult, I find as I get older choices are easier to make.  My world has become black and white to a point.  My tolerance is far less than twenty years ago and time is incredibly precious.  Genuine happiness is extremely important to me and wasted time on frivolous things isn’t allowed anymore.  People who want to treat me poorly are no longer welcome.  I saw on social media the other day a post that read, “Your circle should want to see you win.  Your circle should celebrate your good news.  If not get a new circle” (by Anna Grace Taylor).  I love this.  That sums it up very well, don’t you think?

Does a narcissist want to see you win?  The answer is NO!  A narcissist sets you up for failure actually.  Their inconsistent abuse patterns keep you staying longer because that nice side of him sucks you in every time.  If you aren’t educated on narcissism than no wonder newer victims stay longer than they should.

You have a choice:

  1.  Do I stay with a toxic person or leave and seek happiness?
  2.  Do I stay for the kids or do I leave and show the kids that this behavior isn’t accepted?  (this is a tough one I know!)
  3. Do I let myself be forced to do things that I don’t want to or do I stand up for myself and say no?
  4. Do I stay with a person who ruins my holidays or do I want to find someone who wants my holidays fantastic?
  5. Do I want to stay with someone who belittles me or do I want to seek a person who lifts me up even in my lowest times?

You have choices and I hope my blog provides clarity to erase the smoke in front of you.  I hope the fog lifts and I hope the light bulb goes off so that you can make the right choice for yourself.  Don’t beat yourself up for not knowing the truth for a long time.  Now you do and now you should be empowered to make the right choices for your life.  Don’t let the narcissist cloud your mind and put you in a sea of misconceptions.  This is what they do and they are very good at it!

Have a lovely day!

Ilaya

 

Above the Law? No!

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How many of you are with a bully or narcissist and have thought: “you are not above the law!”  Narcissists sure do think they are, don’t they?

It’s scary to see a narcissist teeter on the edge of breaking the law.  They seem to know just how to work their agenda to not cross that line.  I guess some do cross that line, but they will just use manipulation to lie their way through and come out squeaky clean, making the victim look crazy, right?  Have you experienced this?  I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

Narcissists seem to get away with a lot of their abuse because it isn’t able to be seen.  Emotional abuse isn’t recognized in courts enough and of course most of the torment happens behind closed doors.  Emotional abuse doesn’t leave visible scars just internal ones that are deep, and extremely long lasting.  The case ends up being a he said she said waste of time, sometimes unfortunately, favoring the narcissist.  Their calm demeanor hides their true self and the victim of course gets overzealous emotionally and has a hard time just sticking to the facts.  It’s horrifying when you see a judge make a decision on these actions and victims keep being victims and precious children keep getting abused.

Narcissism should be taking seriously among workers in child protective services, lawyers, judges, and social workers.  It wouldn’t take much to educate all of these professionals with movies and books so they can actually see how these men and women operate.

Nobody is above the law.  New laws need to be made and narcissists need to be prosecuted the right way.  I can see the light at the end of my dark evil tunnel I’ve been in, but I know that many of you are in that dark tunnel right now.  It’s horrible because when you try to get support sometimes you don’t get it because the outside world doesn’t believe you.  It takes time for the narcissist to mess up enough for the true self to be unmasked for people to start to say, “oh, wait a minute.”

It’s a long tunnel to be in and I’m sorry if you are in it right now.  Please read about their tactics on my web page, http://www.ilayabaxter.com.  You can read my novel, The Chameleons Among Us, available at http://www.liferichpublishing.com.  If you have friends and family who are supportive, keep talking to them to get through.  I will be forever grateful for the support I had and still have.  If you don’t have support, please email me and I will encourage you.  ilayabaxter@gmail.com

Remember, the tunnel isn’t forever and you deserve better now.  Take care of yourself daily and stand in your truth.  Good luck because I know the road in the tunnel is rough, dark, and long.  Keep your eye on the light at the end of the tunnel and you will get through it!

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Ilaya

Heros

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Many people are labelled heros and some of those people are firefighters, police officers, people who die for others and people who die for their religion.  It’s a strong word with incredible meaning.  It’s a word I respect and believe only a select few can truly own.

When we are drained beyond our breaking point or confused and need answers we may think of the person who sheds light on our situation as our hero.  The other day a lady was reading my blog in the middle of the night for 2 1/2 hrs searching for answers.  She found them in my posts.  The posts were relatable and the light bulb went off for her situation.  She labelled me as a hero and she found herself again.  She was empowered to go on with new decisions.  I understand her relief.  If only I had someone tell me exactly what I was going through.  This is why I write.

I don’t consider myself a hero by any means, but I do find comfort in writing and sharing my knowledge to help victims of narcissists.  It is needed and it will help the world.

You can be your own hero today.  Educate yourself and do what’s best for your life.  If you’re in a toxic environment you might want to try to figure out how to get out.  If my posts resonate with you, then be a hero and write your life.  Write yourself into a great movie called your life with lots of happiness and fun.  Life is so short and I say why be miserable?  Life can change in an instance as I received a horrible text yesterday from a dear friend who has cancer.

Don’t wait to be happy.  Be a hero today!

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Blessings to all my readers.  Have a wonderful day!

Ilaya

“Just Do It Anyway!”

When you’re in a relationship with a narcissist and don’t know it, you will find yourself acquiescing to their demands because you want to please them.  That’s normal, until you realize that their demands are too much and too extreme.  You will loose yourself before you know it just because you’re trying to make it work.  Early on, you don’t realize that trying to make it work is a lost cause.

Have you ever heard the words, “Oh, just do it anyway!” after you were firm in not wanting to do something?  My friend who works at the restaurant heard these words from the bully manager.  He asked her to clear a table that was swarming with bees.  She said that she would not clear that table because she is highly allergic.  The manager said, “oh, just do it!”  She again had to repeat herself and she actually said, “No, I’m not going to die today.  You will have to get someone else!”  The manager did reluctantly, but did you pick up on the complete disregard for her feelings and desires.  Was it that hard for him to say, “Oh, okay, I’ll get someone else, I understand.” ?

Yes, it’s hard for a narcissist to have feelings that are caring.  They don’t care about what you want.  It’s all about them and their control over you.  You have to be strong and stand up to them.  In the novel, The Chameleons Among Us, Sarah tries water skiing, scuba diving, and even drinking coffee all against her will.  She tries to please her man, Roger, but in the end those activities were not what she wanted to do.  She knew that being forced to do these things seemed odd, but she didn’t know exactly what was happening.  This is the problem in these relationships, the victim is fooled and manipulated with the narcissist covering up their real motive.  They want you out of your comfort zone because you’re more vulnerable.  Don’t let their charm and smile fool you.  If you hear jokes about him just teasing you or he just wants you to try it, etc etc…that’s a tactic to cover up what he’s exactly doing to you.  If your gut tells you it’s uncomfortable, listen to your gut!

Are you hearing, “Oh, just do it anyway!”?  Are you hearing a disregard for what you want in life?  This is a red flag at the very least.  It’s okay to stand up for what you want to do.  It’s not a crime, it’s not being mean, it’s writing your own life which is exactly what you should be doing.  If he truly loves you he would be happy seeing you do what you want to do, right?  It’s easy, once you are educated.  If he gets angry about you being strong and speaking up, this is another huge red flag!  If he’s unhappy seeing you happy doing certain activities, it’s not right!  If you can’t have a calm conversation about all of this, another red flag.  Anger is used to scare you and shut you up.  If you are living this, you aren’t in a healthy relationship and you need to evaluate your circumstances.  My blog covers a lot of things and I encourage  you to spend some time reading the posts and think about how many scenarios sound familiar to you.

If a lot sounds familiar, then you might be with a narcissist, unfortunately.  However, if  you are reading and learning you are on your way to a happier life.  Stay focused on YOU and be strong.  You can do it, because I did.

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Ilaya

 

 

Smear Campaign or Truth Campaign?

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Narcissists are experts at creating a smear campaign in order for you to look like a crazy person.  They also love to make you feel like you’re inferior with their condescending words.

A friend of mine had an interaction with her boss who is more than likely a narcissist or at the very least a big bully.  The interaction was all too familiar to her and she didn’t handle it well.  Her efforts at work were not recognized as she literally ran around sweating one night.  As she was out of breath from working hard, her boss actually said, “it’s time to get moving don’t you think?”  The pushiness and complete disregard for her work continued all night during her shift.  Of course, it was all about  him and how he looked since he was managing the restaurant that night which he normally doesn’t do.

I had to remind her about the truth since the bully tried to manipulate her mind that she wasn’t good enough.  I had to commend her on a job well done and remind her who she needed to please.  I reiterated about how the other managers love her and her hard work.  This manager can’t commend anyone because this isn’t how he operates.  Making someone else feel good isn’t part of his life.  I educated her on how to deal with bullies like this and luckily she is leaving this job in a few weeks.  The goal is to get a good reference letter out of it and to not let this bully ruin her day, week, or future.  She will leave the job with a smile and lots of knowledge.  It takes a lot of mind work and experience to understand these types of people.  Seeing my friend so distraught was heart breaking.  How rude of the boss to be so callous, but this is how they are.

Are you on track with a truth campaign in your mind about what or who you are dealing with?  You have to get back to the truth and be confident in who you are.  If you have done a good job then pat yourself on the back and don’t let the nonsensical comments from a narcissist get to you.  They are the insecure ones and the ones who don’t live in reality.  Ironically, they are the crazy ones, right?  LOL.

Stick to the truth and stop the crying.  Your mind is precious and you deserve better.  The actions of a narcissists are so damaging, but you don’t have to let the damage happen.

Be strong and stand up for yourself!  It’s time we all take back our power!  You can’t go wrong with getting back to the truth!  Remember narcissists and bullies are everywhere not just at home or in your family.

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Ilaya

Pulled into a Storm

 

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Narcissists are severe thunderstorms.  Their tactics pull you into their storm and it’s not into the calm center of the storm either.  You will be in the strongest bands of that storm in order to get their satisfaction.  It’s all about them.

Narcissists wreak havoc on your life like a storm causes rain and wind damage.  They toss you around like a doll, beating you up like the swaying trees that leave their branches on the ground after a good rain storm.  There is  nothing peaceful about the unpredictable lightning strikes and the loud thunder booms of a storm.  Narcissists are unpredictable this way catching you off guard with their sneakiness and then knocking you down to put you in your place.  No wonder we feel beat up.

Narcissists are not peaceful people, because they aren’t happy inside.  Because they aren’t happy you can’t be happy.  So, your life is a cycle of repeated abuse in order to suppress you and keep you inferior.  You aren’t the crazy one and you didn’t cause this storm.  Remember that.

I thought the above picture was interesting, because you can’t bring a narcissist into your peace!  They will have nothing to do with peace.  Peace scares them.  It makes them feel like they are out of control.  If you try to bring peace to the relationship you will most likely experience a storm, a blowup or a narcissistic rage.  If you ask them to calm down or have an intelligent conversation, it won’t happen.  They might get madder.  Odd, isn’t it?  Well, it’s odd yes, but also a huge red flag.  This is normal for them, but it doesn’t have to be a normal thing in your life.

If you can’t have a calm conversation with someone, talking about facts, then you are dealing with someone who might not be accountable for their actions and who wants to keep being angry to control you.  Time reveals the truth and I choose to have people in my life who want peace and happiness.  I don’t want people who are angry, who avoid topics and try to change reality telling me I’m the bad guy.  I’m not the bad guy and I cherish those who know who I really am, but I had to believe who I really am first.  Some victims loose their identity and I challenge you today to find you again.  Get back to your inner peace and your deepest desires in life to regain your identity.  Get away and find your peace and use that as your springboard for a better future.  It’s okay if you need a new set of friends and it’s okay to leave a narcissist, because they don’t want to be pulled into your peace anyway.

Blessings,

Ilaya