Failure Doesn’t Define You, but Narcissists want you to think this…

Triumphs-and-failures

Failure in life is tough to swallow.  Failure can come in many forms, but the real key to failure is how you react to it.

We all fail in life at some point.  Failures come with taking tests, not getting a job, not getting into college, not managing money well, not responding to conflict with the best diplomatic approach, not keeping boundaries, not being honest, and not choosing the right life partner.  Failure is part of being human, but how many of us really understand that failures are meant to mold us and build our character.  Failures strengthen us and prepare us for the next turn in the road.

As life makes those turns, many of us rely only on our feelings when we choose a life partner.  If she or he is attractive and has a job then they must be good enough, right?  There’s so much more to choosing a partner.  We need to teach our youth this when they’re dating.  Time reveals the truth and looks aren’t everything.  Charm and beauty are only skin deep.  We need to seek a deeper meaningful relationship perhaps with the average looking guy or gal who is in the background of our lives.  We need to open our eyes and be patient.  Instead, hormones and instant satisfaction take over and the next thing we know we are tied to a narcissist or at least someone with whom we aren’t compatible.

Now, don’t beat yourself up if you’re in this boat, because you aren’t alone!  Failure to pick the correct person to spend time with shouldn’t define the rest of your life.  If you have chosen a narcissist, you have a battle ahead.  The battle can be won, however.  Despite the bombardment of demeaning remarks, the vanishing of your dreams, and the guilt trip that is being put on you, you can win.  If you are reading this, YOU ARE  WINNING.  You are choosing to educate yourself and are seeking change.  Narcissists want you to be defined by failure.  Because they need to feel good, they will keep their thumb on you to suppress you.  Soon you will feel hopeless, angry, resentful, and sad because your dreams are gone and day to day living is with much effort.  Narcissists want you to depend on them only to elevate themselves and they don’t care about your feelings.  It’s just the facts, but don’t let it define your life!

Have you been defining your life with the failure of being with a narcissist?  If you are, then you’re right where the narcissist wants you, which is beat down and lifeless.  Why let them win?  You ARE important and your dreams do matter.  Your happiness is important and the real reason for life’s failures is to make you stronger and wiser, not the opposite.  If this delusion is being put on you, well, now it’s time to remove it.

I want to share a quote that I created one late night as I was writing,  “The Chameleons Among Us.”

“Be strong, do not pray for the black clouds to go away, but instead pray for the rains to bring new growth, for after the rains, there will be a calm like no other.”

It’s time to look at your failures as stepping stones to higher ground.  Learn from them, help others, and be excited for the next turn in the road, because there’s a life lesson in each and every failure.  You just have to remove the fog, blink a few times and the answers are right in front of you.

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Ilaya

 

 

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Narcissists Like To Derail

WPFR-Train-Derail

Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m in the flow of life.  It’s a good feeling.  I’m less stressed and I’m able to focus on what’s important.  I can think clearly and spend time on my heart’s desire.

Are you in the flow of your life?  I spent many years not in a good flow.  I was derailed and existing everyday only to get up and do it all over again.  I was thwarted from my dreams and goals.  I spent so many hours sad, angry, and trying to survive.  I wasted decades of my life not smiling or laughing, but complaining and trying to figure out what was wrong.

Narcissists derail our lives, on purpose I may add.  Their contentious personality only feasters bad energy in order to put the spotlight on them and to control you.  Their charm however covers up the truth, but only for awhile until victims realize that something is majorly wrong.  Figuring out exactly what’s wrong is a huge undertaking unless you’re blessed with the right people, book, blog, or website.  I’m forever grateful for a book that gave me closure.  I hope my blog has helped many people understand what might be wrong with their difficult relationships so that precious time isn’t wasted.

Do you find your dreams are being put on the back burner?  Do you feel like you’re surviving everyday instead of being present in every moment?  Do you hate to go home?  Do you loose sleep because you’re constantly fighting most of the night over what exactly sometimes you don’t even know?  Are your special occasions being ruined because your partner needs to be at the center of attention?  Are you covering up for your partner or living a double life pretending to smile when you’re out in public?  Are your finances ugly because of grandiose desires and excuses why so many materialistic things are needed?  Are you being emotionally or physically abused?  Are you being called names and put down?  Are you being promised things that are turning out to be empty promises?

If you said yes to most of the above, your relationship isn’t healthy.  Narcissists aren’t healthy and they drag those around them down.  Why let them derail your life?  Why be miserable everyday spending your energy surviving instead of living and dreaming.

Today, I dream.  Today I don’t have neck pain from stress.  Today, I feel healthier than I have in a long time.  Today, I look forward to my future, because I can write my life instead of having it taken from me.  Today, I sleep all night long.  Today, my inner being is more at peace and I smile more than I ever have.  Today, I laugh and it feels great.  Today my life is on track.

Is your life on track?  I want that for you and I want to give you hope.  Turning your life around is an incredible thing.  Take it from me, because I put my life back on track.

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Have a great day everyone!

Ilaya

No Emotions, Just Facts

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Imagine going through life with no emotions looking at circumstances with a black and white filter.  Life would be boring wouldn’t it?

I love how attorneys are able to execute their cases with no emotion.  They have a profession that simply looks at facts and what the law dictates.  They can look at a case and help their client based on the law and sometimes it isn’t what’s best emotionally for the opposition.  It’s easy for them to work without emotion since they aren’t vested in the case that way.  Their biggest challenge is keeping their clients emotionless, especially in the courtroom.  This is very hard for victims because the after-effects of being victimized by a narcissist go hand in hand with all of the ugly emotions you can list.

Through my experiences and readings, I have learned that when dealing with a narcissist it’s best to stick to facts and leave emotions out of it.  I actually have a post it note that says:  “No Emotions, Just Facts!” so I can reference when needed.  Getting upset and running at the mouth is exactly what a narcissist wants from you.  It not only gives them control, but also satisfaction that they upset you.  When you run at the mouth, then they can gaslight you with their unrealistic statements that seemingly come from a different reality.  Have you experienced this?

Giving NO emotion gives them NO fuel.  Narcissists live on fuel from whom ever they can get it.  I know a lady who was completely emotionally drained and decided to not have any emotions when dealing with her narcissist.  The narcissist actually thought they were getting along better during that time, but the victim knew what she was doing and was only buying some quiet time in order to think of an exit strategy.  On the contrary a narcissist could also nitpick even worse if they can tell you aren’t giving any emotions to them and are acting differently.  So it can go either way, because frankly dealing with a narcissist is a no win situation.  They purposefully move the goal posts and expectations to keep you jumping so they can be the chameleon I believe they are.

Living without emotions is counter intuitive to human beings.  We were given many emotions and to be forced to live a world without them is cruel and inhuman.  Also, to be forced due to abuse to display many different out of control feelings is also unhealthy.  This is what a life with a narcissist looks like.  It’s very unhealthy and unnatural to be controlled over  simply your emotions.  The stress can be unbearable.  Are you controlled to either show no emotion or do you feel out of control?

If you’re divorced from a narcissist and still have to communicate, it’s best to just stick to facts and your legal paperwork.  Document everything through emails and texts just in case he or she gets a wild hair somewhere and wants to drag you back into court.  Operate with just the facts in direct statements.  Speak with bulleted emails and say as little as possible.

If you are lucky enough to be free from a narcissist then I hope you’re enjoying a colorful life full of properly regulated emotions.  This is the life we are meant to have.

emotionsBeautiful flowers background

Ilaya

 

I Have the Scars to Prove it

scar

Life sure is a journey.  We all have trials and sorrows, even those around us who appear to have the perfect life.  I used to think that certain people had no problems whatsoever, until my friend told me that we ALL have difficulties.  I just didn’t see them through the white picket fence and the fancy lives of some people.

Surviving difficult times makes us stronger.  I didn’t use to realize this.  In my younger years I literally lived from one event to another seeking happiness and trying to make the next “right” decision.  I never looked at the broader picture or had any clue that my life was unfolding exactly how it was supposed to.  As the many chapters were written of my life, I got to the point where I thought, “Wow, that was just another chapter that is over now.”  People have come and gone.  I seriously thought about suicide at one point when the love of my life left.  Yes, I got through it and moved on.  My strength prevailed and I made the next best decision, but not, however, without a huge emotional scar.  It’s okay, he’s happy, I’m happy, it’s all good now.

Life causes open wounds that turn into scars whether physically or emotionally.  Are you in tune with what you’re going through?  Do you have that centered calming voice of reasoning from a good friend or family member?  You need that to get through.  I’m thankful that I did during the most tumultuous chapter I have had so far.  Back many years ago during the time when my boyfriend left I had nobody and it was much harder to persevere, but I did.  I have scars but I also have great memories.  I just wish he didn’t set the bar so high for my next relationships.  🙂  I want to say, “damn him,” but I won’t.

Many of us settle for a narcissist due to their charm and lies.  We ignore our standards and are blinded not by love, but by deceit.  We just think it’s love only to realize many wounds later it’s not.  Wounds and scars are prevalent in abusive relationships.  If you’re with a narcissist, you’re in an abusive relationship.  Suffering from narcissistic abuse causes deep wounds that seem to have tentacles that touch all aspects of life.  Fresh open wounds need to be healed with education, acceptance, and proper grieving.  You will have scars but they don’t  have to run so deep if you educate and heal with support.  Don’t sweep it under the rug, don’t suppress it, don’t swallow it because those tentacles will harm you.  Face the wounds and ask yourself how can I properly heal this?  You want to be able to show your scars and tell your story and help others.  It’s okay, we all have a story and the scars to prove it.

You will be okay on this journey called life.   Heal your open wounds properly and look at the scars as chapters.  Hopefully those chapters have some good memories and most importantly I hope you have grown because of them.  You don’t want to make the same mistakes again.

Hopefully the finish line is not in my near future, but when it comes I will be running with my arms up saying “I made it!”  You can say this too!

finish-line

Ilaya

 

No Matter, Light or Dark

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I love my life experiences, because I look at each one of them as an opportunity to share with others and grow myself.

I completely understand why it’s so important to look at someone’s personal history before putting them in a place of power.  I also understand how powerful people easily fall from grace.  We have seen this many times in history and in current events.  What I’m trying to get at is this; people are the same whether their behavior is behind the scenes or out in the open.  If a man is cheating behind his wife’s back, he will also mess up in broad daylight.  He is one in the same.  Watch people’s behaviors very closely.  If your gut is speaking to you , LISTEN!!

Here’s another story for you.  A lady decided to sell her dead husband’s house. She was only married to him briefly.  His dying wishes were to give the house to his kids since they grew up in that house.  The dying man just knew that his wife would do the right thing.  She decided to NOT put a sign out front and sell the house behind the kids’ back in order to take the proceeds for herself and her new man.  Just think if the real estate agent would have asked more questions and shed light on her intentions.  Would you be a part of helping a lady sell a house in order to hurt others?  More of us need to ask questions.  Lets face it, if you want to sell a house you put a sign up, right?  This behavior was hurtful, and selfish, just like a narcissist acts.

I also want to mention social media.  Social media CAN be a platform for bad people to hurt others while remaining anonymous.  I recently learned about a young man being shamed on a fake social media page.  Many of the classmates of this anonymous, heartless, lost teenager liked and shared the page further causing damage to the innocent victim.  I’m not surprised of the teenage suicide rate, because it’s easy to hurt others and hide.  It’s underhanded, sneaky, and cowardly to do this.  If the parents don’t know about it then they can’t crack down on the bad behavior.  This particular social media platform will divulge information only if the law is involved, but will however take down harming content according to their guidelines.  Taking it down would be only after it has spread around which doesn’t take long.  There are many narcissists or at least bullies and entitled people coming up through the ranks.  Beware!  Know what your kids are doing on their phones and in their rooms!  Cyberbullying is real.  Put it into the light!

So too do narcissists hide behind their mask.  They hurt others while charming people along the way.  They scheme and plot to execute their calculated agendas.  They do this for the soul reason to feel better for themselves and hurt others.  They want to control their victim and make sure the victim is quieted.

Do you ask questions?  Do you call a spade a spade?  Try it.  You might be amazed what you find out as the person before you squirms and sweats.  You will see their eyes change and evade contact.  Have you seen someone get unfittingly angry or have they attacked you personally when questioned?  If it doesn’t make sense, it doesn’t make sense and it’s okay to ask questions.  Don’t get sucked into the diversion tactics and have the wool pulled over your eyes.

Don’t get caught up in the emotions, but instead stick to the facts and ask direct questions of people who’s stories don’t add up.  Do your homework and hear both sides of the story.  Question, listen, and wait before believing a story that just doesn’t make sense.  You will reveal the truth and people’s intentions and perhaps protect yourself along the way.

The only way to have a honest true relationship with integrity is to have it all in the light.  This is what I do and I hope you do too.  Share this and shed the light!

light

Ilaya

 

 

Why Modify Your Life for Bullies?

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Bullying these days is prevalent, unfortunately.  It starts in preschool and never ends I don’t think.  Even in the work place I have experienced bullying.  People have become more selfish and they want to control and rise to the top at whatever cost.

What inspired this post are two scenarios.  One is a five-year old girl who refuses to eat beef jerky and hummus in her lunch because she was made fun of in her kindergarten class.  Oh, how I would love to see this little girl tell her bullies to take a hike, but that’s rare these days and not realistic.  Peer pressure quiets us and we don’t like to ruffle feathers.  Why?  Why don’t us good people stand up and say “NO!”

The other scenario is a teenage boy who was attacked in his school parking lot by a bully.  The bully went after his throat causing a fight to ensue where the good kid kicked his butt for the most part.  Yay for the good kid, I guess.  The good kid hoped that the bullying would stop and he could go to school stress free now.  But wait!  The good kid lived in fear of having the school find out about the fight in the parking lot.  He didn’t want to be ridiculed and called names if his mother called the school.  The mother did notify the school because an intervention needed to happen before someone really got hurt.  It also was a matter of learning to be an advocate and setting boundaries which are necessary life lessons.  Swiftly, the bully was reprimanded and the situation diffused, because the mother got involved.  Parents need to speak up!  Look at how much fear that bully instilled on multiple levels.  There is no peace or happiness with bullies.

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We live in fear around bullies.  We modify our lives to accommodate them even at the expense of our health and nutrition.  Why?  Because parents, teachers, advocates, counselors, need to stress the importance of being your own advocate and maintaining boundaries.  The peer pressure is enormous and more and more narcissists are being created as we speak due to broken homes and poor parenting.  Young people are entitled and think what is yours is mine.  They will punch and fight until they get their way.  This is the narcissistic way.  Narcissists suppress and control by bullying.

Narcissists are bullies.  We have a choice to stand up to them or let them run right over us destroying the very life that was given to us to enjoy.  Teach your kids to have boundaries.  The next time that 5 year-old wants to make fun of YOUR kid’s lunch, stand up, talk to the school or parents about it.  You have to constantly educate your kids about right and wrong.  You have to stand up to the kids who want to disrespect someone’s lunch for goodness sake and any other boundary they cross.  Beef jerky?  Seriously?

I don’t want to live in a world with more narcissists.  Folks it will be ugly.  I think I will find my little secluded spot away from all of it because it will be a difficult world to live in.  I’ve had enough interactions with narcissists for many life times.  I’m done.

Excuse me while I go to my narcissist-free, bully-free happy place where there is beef jerky and hummus for all.

stop bullying

Ilaya

Toxicity

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en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toxicity

Toxicity is the degree to which a chemical substance or a particular mixture of substances can damage an organism.

 

I heard my girlfriend say the other day, “Some people are just toxic.”  I agree with her and it’s just reality.  Some people have major issues in life sometimes stemming from their childhood or thought processes.  We act sometimes because of our own experiences in life and sometimes this isn’t good.

The definition of toxicity talks about damaging an organism.  Well, we are big organisms and we get damaged every day whether it be from EMR (electro magnetic radiation), toxins in the air, or hidden chemicals in our food.  Free radicals aren’t our friends and antioxidants can only do so much.

How do we protect ourselves from toxic people?  Antioxidants don’t work and wearing a mask still doesn’t do the trick.  Toxic people are all around us and it’s up to us to filter information and behaviors that we see.  I always have my radar up about people’s behavior and I choose my friends accordingly.  I try not to jump to conclusions, but putting time on my side reveals the truth.  It’s hard to deflect the poisonous arrows, threats, and lies from toxic people like narcissists.  My answer is, limited exposure or none at all.  Increase your distance and keep your personal information to yourself at the work place just in case there’s a toxic person who might use something against you to further their agenda.

I can’t say enough that you need to beware of this symbol.  The symbol doesn’t just apply to the chemical bottles under the sink, but also to humans.  It’s just a fact.  If you smell an odor, have a pinging in your gut, or a flat out fight with someone think about the poisonous symbol and protect yourself.  If the foul smell doesn’t go away and the fights become more frequent then you know you’re in a toxic relationship.  It’s okay to call a spade a spade once time reveals their agenda and the ultimate truth.

Toxins destroy, kill, and leave a foul smell with long lasting affects.  Don’t let this happen to your life.

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Just Beware in all aspects of life.

Ilaya