Deadlines

Deadline

Do you live with someone who gives you deadlines?  You may say what do you mean, “deadlines.”  Grab your coffee and have a seat.

One thing I love to do on this blog is to give real life testimony of behavior that I hear about in order to shed light on the narcissist in a very real way.  I don’t want to just list character traits or tactics, but instead relate to my readers with real life experiences.  These experiences that I describe will blow away the smoke screen on the very subtle hidden agendas that the narcissist uses to control you.

After talking to a very close friend who knows a narcissist, the word deadline came up.  It quickly brought back some memories for myself and here I am again early in the morning writing about it.  Has anyone ever given you a deadline?  Now, I don’t mean a deadline at work for a project nor do I mean a deadline for buying tickets for an event.  What I mean is a deadline within your relationship on an interpersonal level.  Have you been told that you are to tell your friend that she has a deadline to get back to you about hanging out.  Hanging out with you and your narcissist of course.  You know the friend who doesn’t care for your significant other who you have been isolated from?  If you are still married to the narcissist and your friend really doesn’t like him, do you think all of a sudden she wants to hang out?  Of course not.  The narcissist is setting you up, but at the same time looks like the good guy who is trying to get you back in touch with your friend.  You see?  Same thing goes with family members.  The narcissist will try to get you back in touch with someone to look like a good guy but he knows he isn’t liked so you will be disappointed and confused when these people refuse to hang out with you or jump through his hoops/demands.  It must be their fault you know?  He has isolated you and is further confusing you by giving a deadline as a tactic of control. You being sad is his goal.  Again, remember he looks good and those other people well, they aren’t worthy of hanging out, look they don’t even follow the deadline!  Right?

If you ever think, “wait a minute, why am I given this deadline?”  If it doesn’t feel right, IT ISN’T!  You are made to believe that deadlines in relationships are normal and that people who don’t follow them are inferior.  Instead the truth is, the narcissist knows the deadline won’t be followed and he will swoop in and be the hero showing you that you only need him and these other people who ARE onto him don’t matter.  But, see you don’t know that the other people are onto him like the narcissist knows because you are constantly told a lie.  If the deadline is followed then the narcissist gets the attention that he has set himself up to get.  It’s a win win for the narcissist!

If someone puts deadlines on you or your loved ones, it’s not normal, nor very loving.  It isn’t togetherness and it isn’t compromising which healthy relationships do.  It is very one-sided and selfish, but the key is, it doesn’t look like that!  Narcissists are sneaky and calculating and operate with hidden agendas.  He may get angry when the deadline isn’t followed or he doesn’t get enough attention or drama from his purposeful motives.  The red flag should go up when you see this anger.  It is very hard to not get sucked into the tactics.  Only people who know how narcissists operate will be able to skirt around these deadlines and not give the attention that is so desperately needed by the narc.  My friends didn’t give the attention that was asked for and out of the blue there was a deadline.  Haha.  Narcissists always deploy a tactic to regain control.  They are playing the game and the narcissist doesn’t even know how much he is the one being played.  Being calm and staying true to yourself will frustrate a narcissist to the core.  Don’t let anyone put a deadline on your response or your actions.

Deadlines are for the work environment, not for at home!  All you have to do is say “NO!” to regain control of your life.  You don’t have to do some twisted hidden agenda like the narcissist does in his life.  Just simply say “NO” to deadlines and abuse!  Don’t be controlled.

I hope this sheds some light on the narcissist in your life.

Have a beautiful day.

say no

Ilaya

PTSD is real…

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As I continue my recovery journey, I have realized over the past several months how real my PTSD is.  Divorcing a narcissist unfortunately isn’t the end of the road.

You know, when you have an allergy to something all you have to do is remove the allergen to relieve the symptoms.  This isn’t the case with narcissistic abuse.  Removing the narcissist from you life only removes the immediate danger.  It doesn’t remove the long-lasting affects of their behavior.  PTSD is real and the first step in recovery is recognizing that you will have triggers.  I personally don’t know if I’ll ever be completely free of triggers, but I’m going to try to persevere and conquer the battle of the mind that wants to control my peace.

I recently had an episode of PTSD.  I found myself visibly shaking and of course tearing up.  I had signed up a few years ago for informed delivery for my mail.  This means I can see my mail that is coming that day in my email.  For the most part this has been a great thing, but not this particular day.  I opened up my email before my workday.  I saw a scanned envelop from a law office staring back at me.  I just knew another round was starting, because what else would be coming from this law office?  I wanted to leave work and sit at home until the mail came, but I didn’t.  My strength and faith kept me going.  As I was distracted with my work, my day got better and before I knew it the day was over.  I got home as soon as I could to open the letter.  I anxiously opened it and started reading about the new office that they are moving to.  I said to myself, “seriously?”  I didn’t read the rest of it and happily ripped it up.  I sighed and went about my evening.  Such a small thing to trigger such an emotional cascade.  Yes, I don’t deserve this, but I have to find a way to cope.

My child also experience PTSD this week.  It involved a teacher getting hyperactive in front of the classroom.  Though I wasn’t there, the description of his behavior or perhaps the perception from my child was a man yelling and flailing around.  It was history class, so I’m not sure what this behavior was all about, honestly, but my child’s experience was real.  So real that skipping the rest of school was necessary to calm down.  The hyperactivity and yelling of this teacher was a trigger and this is all it took.  Severe anxiety is a product of narcissistic abuse.

As I was pondering all of this in bed this morning, I pictured what I want my legacy to be.  What I want my legacy to be is not that I am a wife, a mother or a good friend.  I don’t want my legacy to involve my profession either.  I want my legacy to be that I helped people realize about narcissism and the recovery process.  I want this blog to live on forever and help people for many generations.  I want people to realize the truth about this horrific abuse and the recovery process.

I encourage you to continue to learn and grow.  Life is a journey and being stagnate isn’t an option if you want to survive this as best you can and live out the rest of your life with the happiness that you deserve.  I wish you all the best in this incredibly difficult recovery process.  You can do it though, because I am.  I’m not going anywhere!

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Have a great day!

Ilaya

 

Just Existing? You Don’t Have To!

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How many of you are just existing?  You are just going through each day doing what you have to do because your dreams have vanished.  You don’t smile like you used to and you would rather be alone.  Your circle of friends have changed and you don’t remember how that happened or when exactly that change occurred.  It just did.

Narcissists keep you just existing.  You may live day to day and you might be forced to keep thinking about the past.  Are you made to remember how much you “messed up” (according to them)?  They keep you existing today and remembering the past, but only by their memory not yours.   You see, you have to agree on the past as they remember it, because you can’t feel nor remember facts on your own (their goal).  Narcissists have to remember things so that they are the hero in their own made up story.  They don’t own their behavior and they would NEVER look bad, so more than likely their remembrance of the past is a different story than yours.  Of course, the few people who keep listening to them have to hear the story over and over again so that the insecure narcissist is validated, ironically on their own abusive behavior.  I just saw a red flag go up high in the sky!!  🙂  See how this works?

What a mess, huh?  Exactly, but that is their plan.  They keep you stagnant, sad, lonely, confused and lacking hope for a better future.  They want you to only exist in the present and the past so you have no goals and dreams unless it involves them, of course.  Your future is being controlled, because of their tactics and hold over you.  Existing in a false forced-upon reality of disillusions is what your life is like when you’re  with a narcissist. Am I right?  I’m imagining heads shaking right now.

Are you done existing?  Do you want to laugh again and feel like you used to?  Do you want your spark back and your friends?  Do you want to find yourself again and have the future you want?  Don’t just exist anymore.  Don’t just hold the line, push it forward!

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I would love to hear from you if this helps clarify your situation!!  ilayabaxter@gmail.com.  I’ll respond to your email!

Have a great day!

Ilaya

Slippery, Not Just When Wet…

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I love when interactions in my personal life give me an idea for another post.  The word

slippery came up and I thought what better word to describe a narcissist than “slippery.”

Some of you maybe have never heard of a person described as “slippery.”

From dictionary.com the word slippery can mean:  not to be depended on, fickle, shifty, tricky, deceitful, unstable, and insecure. 

Have you ever tried to figure out a narcissist and just when you think you have him
figured out, you question your memory, history has changed, and your reality seems distorted?  Well, that’s exactly what they do to you so your perception of them slips right out of your hands.  You can’t seem to get a grasp on what’s happening, but something surely isn’t right and it surely doesn’t feel good.  Yes they are slippery.
Have you ever tried to depend on a narcissist?  Did the errands get done?  Did the children get taken care of?  Did the bills get paid?  Were the responsible decisions made in your relationship to create a positive marriage with goals?  Narcissists are slippery and not dependable because they are insecure!  Yes, it’s complicated, but true.
Have you ever been put in your place because you wanted to see his phone?  Did you ask a question you shouldn’t have?  Does he use violence and anger to put you in your place so you never question him again?  Well, I hate to tell you, but he’s slippery.  He’s being deceitful to hide the truth.  Think about it, are narcissists transparent and honest?  Not at all.  You only see through them when you are educated about their tactics and call them on it.  The only transparency in a relationship with a narcissist is the transparency you decide to give to yourself!  It’s simple.  Once you have the understanding then you can move on and be happy.  They might be slippery, but all of the transparency can be yours!
Have you lost your friends?  Have you been isolated from your family?  Did you use to be incredibly social, but now you find yourself not liking very many people?  Are you sad, but can’t put your finger on why?  Well, the slippery nature of a narcissist is to isolate you, tell you lies, and get you to see people and situations their way so that you’re completely controlled by the slippery one himself (or herself).  Yes narcissists can be female also, so never take my posts that they’re always male.
Gosh, I hope this post helps many people out there!!  Narcissists are slippery and I want for you to get your feet under you and live a life with people who are transparent.  Living with people who are always changing the goal posts isn’t fun whatsoever and always remember you deserve better!!!  Your relationship should be easy, enjoyable, and for goodness sake you need to laugh again!  Slippery isn’t how you should describe your significant other.  Your significant other should be your safe haven not your prison cell.
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Have a fantastic day out there!!
Best,
Ilaya

 

Do You Find Yourself…

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Today I thought that I would make a list of things you might be experiencing with your significant other or perhaps a family member or friend.  This list isn’t all inclusive and I hope some things resonate with you so you can start to figure out what the heck is going on!

Do you find yourself…

  1.  Asking why and not getting a straight answer?
  2. Being told that “we will talk about it later” and later never comes because the accusation against you was empty?
  3. Walking on eggshells always trying to please the ready-to-blow personality in the other room?
  4. Loosing your identity not doing the fun things you used to?
  5. Being isolated from your family and friends and perhaps you don’t even know how that happened?
  6. Being told that your family member or friend isn’t a good person when deep down you know they are a good person and there is no evidence except that the person spoke up against the narcissist?
  7. Being put down and called names?
  8. Being constantly watched, controlled, and spied on?  (Better check your phone for spyware)
  9. Being accused of cheating when you haven’t?  (Maybe he or she is guilty)
  10. Being yelled at to instill fear in you so you tow the line?
  11. Crying when you have a moment alone because you’re emotionally exhausted?
  12. Questioning yourself about reality or what actually happened? (Write things down, but really who wants to write things down to prove reality?)

I hope this helps!  If you’re living this way, your relationship isn’t normal and you might be with a narcissist!

It’s okay.  The first step is understanding so you made it to the first step!

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Have a great day!

Ilaya

Narcissists are Button Pushers

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Hi everyone.  Sorry that I haven’t written in awhile.  I had another 5 am creative moment and empowering message to share so here I am once again.

I’ve had a rough time lately with huge stresses with someone close to me.  With the dust settling now I wanted to share something that has empowered me because it can be applied to dealings with narcissists.

We all know that narcissists are button pushers.  They actually study their victims to realize and understand what their buttons are.  Creepy isn’t it?  Narcissists want to make you uncomfortable and they hit you where you’re vulnerable.  They want to make you uneasy and self-doubting.  They want to lower your self-esteem and control you.  Can you think of your own vulnerabilities and how the narcissist in your life has tried to use them over and over again against you?  Worse yet, have you believed their comments and allowed the destructive tape to play over and over again in your mind?  Don’t feel bad, many of us have been there and this game of button pushing is intense and ruthless.

Now that you have come to the realization about what this tactic is and how it’s being executed upon you, it’s time to take action.  The action is simple.   Just say this phrase in your mind, to the narcissist, or just out loud.

You Aren’t Going to Push My Buttons Anymore!”

I used this weeks ago and I’m still empowered and I feel lighter.  I’m free just because I said this simple phrase.  Try it and I hope it works for you as it did me.

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Ilaya,  (Author of “The Chameleons Among Us”)

 

 

 

Disrupters, Good or Bad?

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Hi everyone.  Sorry it’s been awhile.  Life has been quiet on the narcissist front which is fantastic!  However, I did have an interaction that has allow me to write about the word disrupters.

I recently came across something that violated my rights.  I waited a day to think about what I wanted to do and then I made a phone call.  I stood up for myself and got the end result I wanted.  It wasn’t easy to do, but my persistence to shed the light and be a disrupter prevailed.  We need to be our own advocate.  I have a favorite TV show that routinely talks about speaking up against anything that looks abnormal.  This is how positive change occurs.  If someone isn’t acting normal we need to let others know.  If there are red flags with someone then we need to voice our opinion to the authorities or to your friend who is dating who you think is a narcissist.  The bottom line is, Speak Up!

I’m a disrupter, but in a positive way.  I don’t get walked on and I will not be labelled.  This company I first spoke about wanted to label me.  I don’t think so.  Though the world has changed a lot, we still have rights.  I think it’s important to not be scared of the consequences if you speak up about someone who wrongs you.  I encourage you to find that strength because it is within all of us.  How bad do you want it?

On the other hand, narcissists are negative disrupters.  Their main goal is to upset your life, keep you be in a state of constant stress, make you think you’re crazy, hold you back from your dreams and control you until you loose your identity.  You don’t have to let this happen.  Dig deep and pull out that strength that is within you and disrupt and sidetrack his schemes, abuse, and tactics.  You can do it.  If you are reading my blog you are wanting to be that positive disrupter.  I’m just giving you that last push!  It’s time to hit the gas pedal and move forward.

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Where are you on the gauge today?  Is it still a challenge to speak up?  Are you ready to make the change and are making baby steps?  Are you already shaking things up a bit by recognizing you’re being mistreated and are speaking up?  Or are you on the full throttle to positively disrupt your life because you had enough?

Disruption can be a life changing positive action.  Today I’m giving the word disruption the positive connotation it deserves!

Have a wonderful day!

Ilaya