Is This Your Life?

life

This is a simple representation of how a narcissist thinks and acts.  I’m sorry I don’t know where this came from or who wrote it, but it’s spot on.  After you read it I’ll dissect it with explanations.  Ask yourself, is this your life?

“That didn’t happen

And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.

And if it was, that’s not a big deal.

And if it is, that’s not my fault.

And if it was, I didn’t mean it.

And if I did,

You deserved it!”

Are you saying “wow!”  I know right?  Let me dissect it.

“That didn’t happen” is gaslighting.  It’s to confuse you and make your head spin so you loose track of the truth and reality.  Write things down to prove your point and keep your head straight if you are dealing with this.

“And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.”  Narcissists never own their behavior nor can they sympathize with your feelings.  They like to make you feel inferior by letting you know your feelings aren’t real and at the same time twisting reality.  They like drama but they have to be at the center of it to get sympathy for themselves.  You can’t get sympathy.

“And if it was, that’s not a big deal.”   Again, just putting you in your place like you are property or an object with no emotions.  They seek to hide their abuse of you, by blowing it off as not a big deal.  It’s manipulation.

“And if it is, that’s not my fault.”  They won’t own their behavior because that would be a narcissistic insult to their ego which they can’t endure.  Again, twisting reality by usually blaming you somehow for the problem.  It’s never them!

“And if it was, I didn’t mean it.”  Just a bold faced lie.  It’s to throw you off so you think they are still a good person.  Of course they meant it!  They say this so you won’t leave.  They have to pretend to be nice sometimes.  If history keeps repeating itself, things won’t change and they did mean it!  That’s a clue!

“And if I did, you deserved it!”  Blame shifting is the name of the game here.  They justify their abuse by telling themselves that you’re so bad that you deserve to be mistreated.  I call it bullshit!  🙂

You don’t deserve to be mistreated like this.  Now that you know how they think, it’s up to you to decide what’s best for your life.  All I can say is, it’s a heck of a way to live your life and being free of this is liberating!

The world is a big place with many wonders and happy things to experience.  If you are with a narcissist, forget being happy.  The two can’t coexist.

It’s time to seize the day for yourself and not be seized by a narc!

Thanks for reading and giving me feedback!

world inhands

Ilaya

 

 

 

 

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Keep It Simple…

Keep it simple!

Whether you’re in the middle of your relationship with a narcissist or well beyond it, when dealing with them I can’t stress enough to keep it simple.

It’s very hard to keep things simple when you have to deal with a narcissist on a daily basis.  When they are in your face trying to control you, it’s hard not to go off on a rant of what they do to you.  It’s hard not to scream and yell and call them on their behavior.  It’s hard to answer with short phrases just to shut them up as they try to get a rise out of you.

That’s just it.  They try to get a rise out of you.  They want that response that tells them they are hurting and controlling you.  They live for this.  Remember, it’s all about them, so getting a reaction from you makes them feel superior.  They need to feel like the winner.  Their low self-worth depends on these interactions for fuel.

I was recently asked a question by a person I believe is a narcissist.  As the flood of memories poured through my brain and the witty come-backs raced across my mind I actually had trouble sorting out the lengthy list of what I could have said.  Finally, I came to the conclusion:  Keep It Simple!  My answer to the question was simply, “No.”  That’s it.  There’s nothing else to say, because my words don’t matter to this individual.  My opinions, thoughts and the truth don’t matter at all to this person.  The narcissist is always right and they don’t change.  They don’t own their behavior nor see beyond their very nose.  Their world revolves around them and they live in a different reality.  Their world isn’t the truth and once you realize this you’re free!  Saying anything beyond, “No” is a waste of my time and energy.  I smiled as I responded “No” and moved on immediately with something fun.  🙂

Are you struggling with your interactions with a narcissist?  Are you scratching your head wondering why your words mean nothing and seem to go in one ear and right out the other?  Are you a broken record, repeating yourself constantly wondering why you have to do this?  Well, all I can say is, “Keep It Simple.”

Answering a question with a simple word is okay.  It’s amazing what happens when you take the fuel away from a narcissist.  The fire goes out!

candle blown out

Have a wonderful day!

Ilaya

 

Accepting What Is…

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Narcissists cause so much confusion before you really understand what you’re dealing with.  You might find your head spinning and your heart torn trying to figure things out because you think you can fix them and of course you love them.  Can they be fixed?  This is a question a lot of people ask.

Narcissists rarely change, because their false lives give them exactly what they desire to thrive, therefore why would they change?  If they did, they would be vulnerable to everyday life with its ups and downs.  Their low self esteem would go lower and survival would be much harder in their narrow-minded self-centered world.  Their everday goal is to one up people, control and manipulate situations to their benefit and gain.

Unfortuately, most of us spend too much time in the foggy phase and don’t realize that this person before us is scheming to hurt us.  Yes, they might be damaged people, but nobody says you have to be the recipent of their insecurities.  Instead, I hope my blog has unravelled the truth and brought to light just what narcissists are all about.

The truth is, it’s complicated and horrific.  You have to ask yourself what phase are you in?  Are you at the “accepting what is” phase yet?  This is when you kind of chuckle in your head when you hear them talk about themselves all the time.  When you start counting how many times they use the word, “I”.  It’s when you listen to their exaggerated story already knowing that they will be the hero like nobody else has ever been.  It’s when they blame you for cheating and you immediately realize they’re cheating.  It’s when they blow up at you for no reason and you say “wow, their ego must need a boost right now and I’m the whipping post.”  It’s when they promise you that trip or that gift, but you know darn well it’s empty promises.  It’s when you ask a question and their eyes shift and their answer is lame because they’re either lying or disrespecting you.  Remember, they do nothing wrong and they must put you down in order to feel good.

If you are in the “accepting what is” phase, then you’re making progress toward a better life.  It’s okay if you’re stuck here for a short while, because you have to make sure that what you’re experiencing is real and cyclical.  As you continue on the wheel of abuse and you start realizing change isn’t happening then you can start making healthy boundaries for yourself and plans for a better life.

A relationship with a narcissist is a process that you should allow yourself to go through.  There is no phase of beating yourself up over it, so get that out of your head.  There’s the confusion, smoke screen, foggy phase where you are unsure and they act mean, nice, mean, nice and charm is the name of the game.  Then there is the realization that the promise of changing isn’t happening and there is a cycle that keeps repeating itself.  Then you reach the educational phase where you start asking questions and reading about narcissism, narcissistic personality disorder and mental disorders.  Lastly, you  have to accept what is and move on with health boundaries and a healing environment.

Where are you today?  Remember there is no time to beat yourself up, but instead think about where you are and look onward to the next phase.  You have to accept the fact that you got fooled, but turn right around and smile that you know exactly what was and what is.

Good luck on your journey through this process.  It’s not for the weak.  I would give you my body armor, but I still need it.  🙂

I would love to hear from all of those folks from other countries who read my blog.  If you drop me a line I can easily get it translated into English.  The other day someone on instagram made a comment in Italian that said “Well done!”  “Ben fatto!”  For this I’m grateful.

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Ilaya

Their Words Are Just More Lies

liar

Narcissists live in a fantasy world that the rest of us can’t wrap our minds around.  Because their words and behaviors don’t make logical sense, we go crazy ourselves trying to figure it out.

Because narcissists live in a world different from reality, they lie, manipulate and fool people in order to keep their ego alive and healthy at least in their minds.  They will lie about anything in order to come across as the good guy or to keep you guessing about what the truth really is.  Being mysterious is something they thrive on and their charm is very believable.

Their actions are like poisonous tentacles touching many people in various ways.  They may say things like:  “But, I’m doing this for you, not me!”  “I’m doing everything I can in order for you to be happy, don’t you see?”  “I never want you to cry.”  “You’re the boss, whatever you say.”  These words are empty and usually are not backed up with actions or truth.  When the words don’t show their behavior then you know you have a problem.  They can only lie so long until you realize something isn’t adding up.  Listen to this very important clue!

I still think it’s amazing how one person can hurt so many.  The goal is to create instability, misalignment, chaos, and sadness.  This all can happen with very sneaky tactics that are subtle, but real.  If you are crying it’s real!  Don’t ignore it.

Remember, narcissists rarely tell the truth.  The more they look good to others the bigger the story will get.  The more they can make others look bad or crazy the more sane they look.  It’s all about contrast, mystery, and creating a false perception.  Doesn’t this make you mad?  I wouldn’t wish going up against a narcissist to my worst enemy.

If something seems wrong in your current relationship, I would recommend further reading about narcissism.  As I watch a particular show on TV about serial killers, psychopaths, and sociopaths I know that there is a lot of cross over between these very troubling people.  It’s scary.

You will never be happy with a liar, but instead seek happiness with someone truthful.

Crossing out Lies and writing Truth on a blackboard.

Ilaya

 

 

I Will Survive, No Matter What…

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I woke up today with this mantra: “I will survive.”  Of course I couldn’t go back to sleep, so here I am writing again.

I will survive.  I took a moment to reflect on how much I’ve changed due to narcissistic abuse.  The changes vary from good to bad ones.  My shoulders have grown very wide.   I have withstood a lot through the years, so as I keep enduring attacks I visualize my shoulders getting wider and wider with the strength to hold much weight.  My heart has hardened and my eyes see the world differently with an undertone of doubt.  I fight to have joy and I struggle with the unfairness that narcissists instill upon their victims.  One day I will be totally free from his influence and that day can’t come soon enough.  Until then I know I have to be strong.

I was once again attacked this week.  As the narcissist tries to defame my character, I fought back.  A picture that I had nothing to do with was used to try to destroy me, my reputation, and my character.  The tactics are unbelievable and the desperation for the narcissist to look good goes way beyond what average people can imagine.  It’s hard to explain, but those who have been through it know exactly what I’m talking about.

I realize though, I have a lot of endurance left!  I will continue to survive and fight back!  My knowledge of this horrible personality disorder has given me my power.  I feel like I am the ultimate detective, the ultimate narc buster, and the ultimate mind reader of their ways.  I will always survive this, but it will always be an uphill battle.  I’m sure I will have more stress, anxiety, and tears as I process the evil arrows that will undoubtedly come my way until the battle is finally over.  I got this!

My strength also comes with knowing that one day the truth will come out.  It might not be in this lifetime, but I know justice will be served one day.  As the earthly attacks keep coming, and they will, I will remain focused on the truth and the end results.  I’m thankful for my faith to get me through.  Without that I would be hopeless.

I want to encourage you today to keep fighting for yourself.  Educate yourself and focus on the truth.  Deflect those attacks and get away if you can.  Be a survivor and keep saying to yourself, “I will survive.”

One day the weights will be lifted off my shoulders and I will be left with just very strong muscles and a hell of a story to tell.  I will also be equipped to continue to shed light to those who are lost in the fog.  I can live with that.  🙂

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inspirational-quotes

Ilaya

The Mirror Effect

mirror

Once you know how a narcissist operates it’s easy to understand why they act a certain way and say certain things.  Their actions mirror who they want to be or sometimes it’s who they actually are.

When a narcissist accuses you of things such as cheating, in reality it’s them who is cheating.  It’s quite a diversion tactic.  They are controlling your mind by throwing you off course since you probably know something is up.  Just when you are onto figuring them out they throw you a curve ball to make you think you’re the problem.  Your head will spin and reality gets distorted.  This is their goal.

How about this one:  “I always act in your best interest, don’t you know that?”  The reality is, they don’t act in your best interest at all.  Instead it’s quite the opposite.  They just want you to think they have your back so when they do their tactics you’re confused and doubt yourself.  It’s like they plant little seeds in your mind only to send you down the wrong path about them.  The result is that you will stay longer and be there for their games and manipulation.

Another one is:  “I would never do anything to hurt you.  I love you.  I never want to see you cry!”  Sorry, this is a lie and the exact opposite is true.  Their number one goal is to hurt you and anybody else who gets in their way.  If you hear this and the cycle continues where you get hurt over and over again, please listen to your gut.

Have you ever seen a narcissist paranoid that someone is taking from them?  Well, perhaps the truth is they are taking from people.  Nobody is allowed to screw them over whether it be over things or money, but on the other side of the coin, this is their life.  This is how they take from people, control them, and spit them out when they’re done with them.  When  you are no longer useful, you are discarded or at least talked poorly about.  They move on and do whatever it takes to keep a clean reputation.

Next time you are wondering what they are up to, carefully analyzed what they’re saying to you.  Write it down if you have to and in a quiet place think it through.  You will figure it out.  Their words are very valuable and an important window into their deceiving and hurtful life.

Are you tired of this mirror game and confused about reality?  Don’t let them play the mirror game to throw you of course.  Put the mirror aside and go with your gut.  If it smells bad, it probably is bad.  If the cycle is never ending, figure out how to stop it.  I think you need to look in the mirror and make a decision for yourself.

Good luck and stay true to yourself.  Mirrors belong in the bathroom or bedroom not in relationships reflecting lies and misperceptions.

Ilaya

The Future is More of the Past

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Wouldn’t it be great to dream and plan for the future?  Do you have goals for the new year or do you live life one day at a time?  Do you have a sit down with your spouse and talk about where you want to be in five years?  If you are with a narcissist, you don’t have any of these life planning sessions that are needed to reach goals and keep your neck above water.  If you do have these conversations more than likely they are empty and never come into fruition.  Let me tell you why.

Narcissist’s live in the here and now.  Their calculated behavior only goes into the future so far.  Most importantly what they plan is ALL for themselves.  I hate to tell you, but any spoken plans from the narcissist about your successful future are a figment of your controlled imagination.  You might want to reread that.  You are being set up.  You will not reach wonderful life-changing goals as long as you are with a narcissist.  Their selfishness takes over and it’s covered up by their lies and manipulation.  The truth is right in front of you, however it’s through the fog.  They will tell you anything to get you to do what they want.  They want you to believe their promises will be kept.  Don’t believe it for one moment.

You can’t change a narcissist.  It’s hard enough to change a regular person, so changing a narcissist in my opinion is impossible.  I’ve seen enough in my time and read enough to believe this.  Even life altering events don’t change them.  It may appear like they have changed, but they haven’t inside.  I encountered someone awhile back who thought he was dying.  He continued to give me the list of all the people with whom he needed to reconcile.  As the red flags went up in my brain, I smiled and didn’t show my inner thoughts.  I just wanted to get through the interaction.  A year later, I learned he wasn’t dying and the interaction was different.  I didn’t see the poor me attitude but instead saw a raging mad intolerant human being.  It appeared to me that he was back to his old self.  The old self that I knew wasn’t good when the red flags went up.  Perhaps his misdiagnosis was supposed to give him a hint to change, but no not for a narcissist.  It’s always about them and even life changing events won’t made a long term difference in their behavior.  Not deep down inside at least.

I was just talking to someone about a narcissist who ended up in the hospital and got married during long term care to someone brand new.  The relationship didn’t go well at all if you were wondering.  It’s amazing to me what narcissists can do even in their most vulnerable time.  I believe those times are when they rise up even farther and escalate their calculative behavior.  I think they go into full execution mode crossing boundaries to achieve their goals.  Human nature feels sorry for them and they work people over.  Is your radar up?  Do you see this behavior in anyone close to you?  How many times are you going to be taken advantage of?  It’s okay to say no.

If the past is nothing but unmet promises, fighting, turmoil, anger, and abuse, it’s not going to change.  As much as you want it to or you think you can change them, you can’t.  If you are around someone who is extremely nice, accommodating and too good to be true, be aware and let time tell the truth.

Don’t be defeated, but instead take this incredible insightful knowledge and use it to your advantage.  It’s time for you to plan your future and yes let it be for yourself.  Self care is different than selfishness.  Always remember that!

It’s time to plan, set goals and achieve them.  Leave the past in the dust and look ahead at the sunshine.  You got this!

own su

Ilaya