The Land of He Said She Said

Narcissists get away with a lot because they do things behind closed doors.  Few witnesses are present and their charm covers up the truth.  When they do their manipulative tactics in the open they are so cleverly and underhandedly executed that people are left confused more than pointing the finger of guilt.

Victims of narcissists find themselves in the circle of “he said, she said.”  It’s a never- ending cycle where the cool, calm collected narcissist looks like the good guy.  The victim screams abuse and looks like the “crazy” one.  Along with the cool calculated behavior, goes manipulative tactics to keep the narcissist looking clean.  They cry victim and turn the story right around in order to keep their façade going.

Emotional abuse behind closed doors falls under the category of “he said, she said” which is perfect for the narcissist to keep the abuse going.  It creates this perfect storm leaving the victim not only violated emotionally but leaving her with no support except maybe close friends who again are believing one side of the story.  When children speak up about what’s going on behind the closed doors, the  narcissist will cry “parental alienation.”  This is so ugly.  It’s horrible for a child to speak up against a parent, but it’s doubly horrible when the narcissistic parent discredits his own children for the sole purpose of saving his identity and self worth.

How can we stop the land of “he said, she said” from perpetuating the narcissist?  How can we stop their abuse from continuing to hurt others?  I think hard evidence and education.  We need to let everyone know about narcissism.  People need to know the signs so that potential victims get out of the relationship before the slippery slope of hoovering, manipulation, and lying are the daily routine.

If you find yourself constantly validating your story with your friends while your significant other lives in a reality exactly the opposite, RUN!

Ilaya

 

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They Keep Their Story Going…

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Narcissists are great story tellers.  Many people believe their stories because of their charm and charisma.  It must be their desperation to keep their story going that makes them so believable.  Listen to your gut.  Not all stories are true.

Narcissists have to keep the story going in order to feel comfortable within themselves and to look good.  They usually make their ex spouse (lover) look bad in the meantime in order to keep their story going.  The story is fake and it’s purpose is to cover up the truth about their behavior and their motives.  For example, do you ever wonder why they need to go out with friends after work?  Are they even out with friends after work?  If you question them where they are have you experienced the narcissistic rage?  They use anger to quiet you and to domineer the conversation in order for them to not be accountable for their actions.  This is a tactic to keep the story going.

If you question a narcissist, watch closely.  They will either get angry, avoid the conversation, or attack you in order to make you feel guilty.  Sit back and analyze how they act and you will quickly come to the conclusion that something isn’t right.  Any honest person should be able to have a calm conversation that includes honesty and accountability.  Usually a narcissist will tip his hand because questioning them or lets say insulting their identity is too much for them to handle, calmly.  They go into defensive mode in order to survive their own insecurities.

What story are you hearing over and over again?  Are you being told that he has to act this way because he is stressed and overworked.  Are you being told he has to act mean because he is a man and all men have testosterone and this is normal!?  Are you being told that he needs to go out for a drink because he works so hard to provide for you?  Are you being told that he didn’t know what you needed because you didn’t tell him!?  How would he know!  Are you being told a story in your prayer group by the same person who keeps asking for prayers for himself and his ex? He’s probably keeping his story going using a prayer platform to look good!  Beware church goers!  Are you being told that he had to yell at you in order to get you to understand!?  Are you being told that you need him and that you need to trust him to make all the decisions because he knows best!?

Are you being quieted today by a narcissist because the story he’s in is fake?  If you are married or in a committed relationship, you both should be writing the story together!  Have you ever thought about this?  If you aren’t in the story in a positive way, then this isn’t the story for you!  Beware of being fed a line in order to shut you up.  Who does this you ask?  That would be the narcissist!

Ilaya

 

 

 

Smoke and Charm

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After a conversation with someone close to my life, the words smoke and charm came out.  I chuckled as I heard those words because they sure do sum things up about narcissists.

Narcissists are full of stories.  I like to say they blow smoke.  They always have to have a better story than you or they just need to fill the air with words to hear themselves talk.  Right?  You can’t believe a word they say.  They have to look good so they make up stories in order to get a reaction and look like some hero or larger than life manly man.  If only people would clue in to this and not believe them.  If only people would say “geez, is his ex really that bad of a person?”  The lies continue in order for the narcissist to feel good and most importantly look good to others.  Of course their ex was horrible and the smear campaign needs to be continuously running in order for the cover up to remain intact.  Some people believe the one sided story or listen to Mr. Charming because the charismatic personality is quite domineering.

Mr. Charming has an agenda.  Mr. Charming wants to use you for whatever you can give him even if it’s just an ear, but usually it’s more than that.  Mr. Charming will bring you into his circle of monkeys to validate himself and build his case.  His false case is one of integrity and honesty in his mind only.  His case is just like the mask he wears to cover up his true identity.  He isn’t honest and lacks all integrity and he has to play the game to cover up the truth.  The truth is, he isn’t a good person.  Period.

If only everyone knew to ask more questions.  If only everyone would be strong enough to ask the ex-spouse or girlfriend details of her side of the story.  If only people would listen to their gut feeling when the smoke is filling the room and Mr. Charming over there is doing his thing.  I’m trying to do my part in spreading the word about narcissists.

I ask one thing of you.  Next time your gut speaks to you, ask more questions or at least don’t believe a one-sided story.

Hope you have a narc-free day!

Ilaya

The Worst Trait is…

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I asked myself “what is the worse trait of a narcissist?”  I started listed in my head what they do and the list was quite long.  I thought, geez, I better write about this.

Is it their entitlement or their bullying?  Their rages or their lies?  The hoovering or the infamous smear campaign?  Their using of others or their embarrassing bragging stories?  Is it their porn addiction or their control?  Is it their condescending tone or their above the law attitude?  Is it the name calling or the gaslighting?  How about the projection of their own faults or is it their changing of the subject to avoid responsibility?  Their threats are bad and so is their stalking.  They love bomb and devalue people.  How about this one…..they tell you they’re great when reality is the opposite.  Triangulation is a good one too!  How about when they bait you in only for them to play innocent?  Don’t you love their jabs that are disguised as jokes?

Narcissists are impossible to get along with and I know if you’re reading this that you have witnessed some of these things.  It’s an ugly list and it’s the reason why you can’t have a calm, peaceful, healthy relationship with a narcissist.

Tell everyone you know!  Narcissists are everywhere and you don’t have to be a victim.

I don’t think there is a worst trait, because they truly are ALL horrible things to endure and live with.

Do you want to keep enduring or do you want to live your life?

I chose to live it!

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Ilaya

The Best or The Worst?

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If only somebody would have told me to look for a potential spouse who brought out the best in me, my life would have gone in a totally different direction.  Instead good looks and charm won, even though the worst of me was brought out, early.  Hoovering came into play and well there you go just another one of those stories out there like yours perhaps.

How many of you feel like a totally different person when you are with your mate?  Do you feel sad, angry, revengeful, unhappy, lifeless, and/or mad.  Do you feel like you are in survival mode and in a defensive posture beyond what you can understand.  Are you in fight or flight mode?  Do you want to hide or run?  Listen, if you feel any of these things you aren’t in the right relationship.  It’s just that plain and simple.

Now, imagine life with someone with a genuine heart.  This is where the nice music is playing by the way.  Yes, you should smile.  Someone who actually cares.  Someone who does nice things for you because he wants to and it’s done with no strings attached.  Someone who respects your space and isn’t suspicious of what you’re doing.  Someone who is proud to walk beside you because he loves you not because you make him look good.  Someone who makes promises that actually come true.  Someone who wants you to go after your dreams instead of putting you down saying you can’t pursue your dreams.

It’s black and white folks.  When you sit down in your quiet time and think about what kind of relationship you are in, the clarity will come.  Does he bring out the best in you?  Do you want to see him and do nice things for him?  Does good propagate good or does bad fester bad?  This is a gauge that you can use to help dissect your relationship.  If you start to avoid him or not want to go home, this is a huge red flag.  Your home needs to be your safe haven, not your jail.  Believe me, I get it.

Get rid of the person who brings out the worst in you.  Surround yourself with positive people and wait for the right one to bring out the absolute best in you.  Believe me, he or she will be worth the wait.  If you had someone who brought out the worst in you, then just look at it as a blessing, because you will be so thankful for that guy who brings out the best in you.

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Ilaya

Quiet your mind…

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As I get older I find myself enjoying an environment lacking stimulation especially before I go to bed.  The world is full of stimuli and fewer people in this new generation enjoy quiet moments.  It’s a sad shift that will have ramifications.  When I see people having to have the TV on, music in their ears most of the day, or their cell phone within reach in order to look at it every few minutes, I know people are missing out on precious, quiet, self-reflecting, much needed time.

Do you have many times where you can calm down your mind?  I know from experience that if you are living with a narcissist quiet moments are few and far between.  One of my readers wants to hear more examples of life with a narcissist, so here I go.  Can you get through a workday without having to talk to the narcissist?  I know one story where a narcissist demanded for his wife to come to the phone during her work day.  But, let me explain further, as he talked to the front office person he made sure he said, “Can I talk to my lovely wife, she’s the best.”  As the wife got on the phone he quickly turned into the monster he was and barraged her with abuse and anger.  Sound familiar?  Don’t you think you could get through at least most of the day without having to talk to your spouse especially if there isn’t anything to talk about it?  Narcissists get jealous and suspicious easily.  Do you know why?  Because they are guilty and they want to control you!  It’s simple.

Have many of you fight darn near all night long with your spouse?  They don’t want you to sleep, because its their way or no way and they simply don’t care about your well- being.  Their goal is to break you down into unrecognizable pieces.  Sorry if this seems harsh, but I don’t beat around the bush.

How many of you can’t go shopping after work without a huge interrogation about where you are going?  How about some phone calls to interrupt your shopping?  Can’t hang out with friends, but I bet they sure can.  Right?  What’s good for them is only good for them in their minds.  Well, you are an adult and this is for the birds!

How many of you have turned your cell phone off to avoid his calls so you could have peace?  Did you get yelled at for this?  You aren’t a child anymore and you shouldn’t be treated like one.  The essence is that the narcissist isn’t trusting of you because he can’t be trusted.  Besides what better way to divert his bad behavior by being angry at you because you must be cheating and not shopping.  See how this works?  Not to mention his desperate need to control every aspect of your life.  It’s manipulation.

Peace is not happening when you’re with a narcissist.  You can’t sleep, you can’t work uninterrupted and sometimes you can’t even listen to music as you drive to work because he has to call just like Sarah’s experience in the novel The Chameleons Among Us.

Quieting your mind is imperative and I would recommend you do this daily.  It’s healthy.  Clarity will come and good decisions can be made.  Whatever you need to do to find quietness, I say do it.  Our bodies can’t keep up the pace forever.  The toxic interactions daily will catch up to you and I don’t want to see you completely broken without life.  Broken into unrecognizable pieces.  This is the destructive path.

I’m off to have a few quiet moments to myself, because I can anytime I want to.  I’m free and you can be also!                                       🙂

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Ilaya

 

Choices…

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I love when I have a few minutes to just think.  After a few very hectic days I allowed myself to sit on my bed and just slow down my mind and body.  Fruit usually is the result.  Whether it be an idea for a blog post or remembering something I need to do.

In life we have choices.  This has become even more clear to me as I raise teenagers.  I try to instill good values, integrity, and warn about the peer pressures.  We all hope that our children make good choices when they are out and about when we aren’t there.  This is my hope.  I stressed the consequences of bad choices because sometimes those ramifications last forever.  My kids seem to get it, I think.

As an adult, I find as I get older choices are easier to make.  My world has become black and white to a point.  My tolerance is far less than twenty years ago and time is incredibly precious.  Genuine happiness is extremely important to me and wasted time on frivolous things isn’t allowed anymore.  People who want to treat me poorly are no longer welcome.  I saw on social media the other day a post that read, “Your circle should want to see you win.  Your circle should celebrate your good news.  If not get a new circle” (by Anna Grace Taylor).  I love this.  That sums it up very well, don’t you think?

Does a narcissist want to see you win?  The answer is NO!  A narcissist sets you up for failure actually.  Their inconsistent abuse patterns keep you staying longer because that nice side of him sucks you in every time.  If you aren’t educated on narcissism than no wonder newer victims stay longer than they should.

You have a choice:

  1.  Do I stay with a toxic person or leave and seek happiness?
  2.  Do I stay for the kids or do I leave and show the kids that this behavior isn’t accepted?  (this is a tough one I know!)
  3. Do I let myself be forced to do things that I don’t want to or do I stand up for myself and say no?
  4. Do I stay with a person who ruins my holidays or do I want to find someone who wants my holidays fantastic?
  5. Do I want to stay with someone who belittles me or do I want to seek a person who lifts me up even in my lowest times?

You have choices and I hope my blog provides clarity to erase the smoke in front of you.  I hope the fog lifts and I hope the light bulb goes off so that you can make the right choice for yourself.  Don’t beat yourself up for not knowing the truth for a long time.  Now you do and now you should be empowered to make the right choices for your life.  Don’t let the narcissist cloud your mind and put you in a sea of misconceptions.  This is what they do and they are very good at it!

Have a lovely day!

Ilaya