Emotional Weapons

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A weapon is something used to injure, defeat, or destroy.  Usually it’s a physical object, but it doesn’t always have to be a concrete object.  Those of us who have dealt with a narcissist know this first hand.

Narcissists use many tactics to harm their victims or to rise above others at least in their minds.  I call these tactics emotional weapons.  Let that sink in.  Some of their tactics are so subtle that they are hard to detect, but nonetheless can be placed in this category.  Narcissists love to create chaos, especially emotionally.  They act in a way to cause a myriad of negative emotions sometimes affecting not just the victim, but also many others causing collateral damage that can be extensive.

Take lying for example.  Narcissists lie quite often to distort reality, gaslight, and keep people on their toes or walking on eggshells.  Have you experienced this?  Unfortunately, they are very believable so the subtle emotional weapon is invisible, so to speak.  Only after many rounds of confusion does the victim possibly understand that something is wrong or awry.  Through the distortion and smoke screens lies the truth, however, the truth is rarely uncovered especially without the knowledge of their hidden deceitful ways.

Emotional weapons are in a way worse than seeing a definite object that is used for a crime.  It’s a little hard to distort reality if there is a murder weapon such as a knife or a gun, right?  Precious time is wasted on crying, yelling, being angry, and confused due to the invisible nature of their abusive behavior.  One result of their emotional abuse that really stands out to me is when a victim looses his or her identity.  A lot of times, the ongoing war with a narcissist results in the victim living a life that is the opposite of who they used to be and who they want to be.  This is unacceptable!

Are you loosing your identity in your relationship due to invisible emotional weapons being used against you by your partner who is supposed to be your rock, your love and your best friend?  Think about it.  It’s ok, don’t beat yourself up over it.  Invisible can’t be seen, right?  You didn’t know.

Emotional weapons are real, horrible, and invisible.  Educate yourself about how a narcissist controls you and changes your life.  Their cookie-cutter personality isn’t hard to figure out if you know exactly what is happening and why they do what they do.  It might be time to be an emotional weapon buster!!  Free yourself and get your life back!   🙂

Hope you are having an incredible day!  Take care during these very difficult times.

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Ilaya

 

 

Deadlines

Deadline

Do you live with someone who gives you deadlines?  You may say what do you mean, “deadlines.”  Grab your coffee and have a seat.

One thing I love to do on this blog is to give real life testimony of behavior that I hear about in order to shed light on the narcissist in a very real way.  I don’t want to just list character traits or tactics, but instead relate to my readers with real life experiences.  These experiences that I describe will blow away the smoke screen on the very subtle hidden agendas that the narcissist uses to control you.

After talking to a very close friend who knows a narcissist, the word deadline came up.  It quickly brought back some memories for myself and here I am again early in the morning writing about it.  Has anyone ever given you a deadline?  Now, I don’t mean a deadline at work for a project nor do I mean a deadline for buying tickets for an event.  What I mean is a deadline within your relationship on an interpersonal level.  Have you been told that you are to tell your friend that she has a deadline to get back to you about hanging out.  Hanging out with you and your narcissist of course.  You know the friend who doesn’t care for your significant other who you have been isolated from?  If you are still married to the narcissist and your friend really doesn’t like him, do you think all of a sudden she wants to hang out?  Of course not.  The narcissist is setting you up, but at the same time looks like the good guy who is trying to get you back in touch with your friend.  You see?  Same thing goes with family members.  The narcissist will try to get you back in touch with someone to look like a good guy but he knows he isn’t liked so you will be disappointed and confused when these people refuse to hang out with you or jump through his hoops/demands.  It must be their fault you know?  He has isolated you and is further confusing you by giving a deadline as a tactic of control. You being sad is his goal.  Again, remember he looks good and those other people well, they aren’t worthy of hanging out, look they don’t even follow the deadline!  Right?

If you ever think, “wait a minute, why am I given this deadline?”  If it doesn’t feel right, IT ISN’T!  You are made to believe that deadlines in relationships are normal and that people who don’t follow them are inferior.  Instead the truth is, the narcissist knows the deadline won’t be followed and he will swoop in and be the hero showing you that you only need him and these other people who ARE onto him don’t matter.  But, see you don’t know that the other people are onto him like the narcissist knows because you are constantly told a lie.  If the deadline is followed then the narcissist gets the attention that he has set himself up to get.  It’s a win win for the narcissist!

If someone puts deadlines on you or your loved ones, it’s not normal, nor very loving.  It isn’t togetherness and it isn’t compromising which healthy relationships do.  It is very one-sided and selfish, but the key is, it doesn’t look like that!  Narcissists are sneaky and calculating and operate with hidden agendas.  He may get angry when the deadline isn’t followed or he doesn’t get enough attention or drama from his purposeful motives.  The red flag should go up when you see this anger.  It is very hard to not get sucked into the tactics.  Only people who know how narcissists operate will be able to skirt around these deadlines and not give the attention that is so desperately needed by the narc.  My friends didn’t give the attention that was asked for and out of the blue there was a deadline.  Haha.  Narcissists always deploy a tactic to regain control.  They are playing the game and the narcissist doesn’t even know how much he is the one being played.  Being calm and staying true to yourself will frustrate a narcissist to the core.  Don’t let anyone put a deadline on your response or your actions.

Deadlines are for the work environment, not for at home!  All you have to do is say “NO!” to regain control of your life.  You don’t have to do some twisted hidden agenda like the narcissist does in his life.  Just simply say “NO” to deadlines and abuse!  Don’t be controlled.

I hope this sheds some light on the narcissist in your life.

Have a beautiful day.

say no

Ilaya

PTSD is real…

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As I continue my recovery journey, I have realized over the past several months how real my PTSD is.  Divorcing a narcissist unfortunately isn’t the end of the road.

You know, when you have an allergy to something all you have to do is remove the allergen to relieve the symptoms.  This isn’t the case with narcissistic abuse.  Removing the narcissist from you life only removes the immediate danger.  It doesn’t remove the long-lasting affects of their behavior.  PTSD is real and the first step in recovery is recognizing that you will have triggers.  I personally don’t know if I’ll ever be completely free of triggers, but I’m going to try to persevere and conquer the battle of the mind that wants to control my peace.

I recently had an episode of PTSD.  I found myself visibly shaking and of course tearing up.  I had signed up a few years ago for informed delivery for my mail.  This means I can see my mail that is coming that day in my email.  For the most part this has been a great thing, but not this particular day.  I opened up my email before my workday.  I saw a scanned envelop from a law office staring back at me.  I just knew another round was starting, because what else would be coming from this law office?  I wanted to leave work and sit at home until the mail came, but I didn’t.  My strength and faith kept me going.  As I was distracted with my work, my day got better and before I knew it the day was over.  I got home as soon as I could to open the letter.  I anxiously opened it and started reading about the new office that they are moving to.  I said to myself, “seriously?”  I didn’t read the rest of it and happily ripped it up.  I sighed and went about my evening.  Such a small thing to trigger such an emotional cascade.  Yes, I don’t deserve this, but I have to find a way to cope.

My child also experience PTSD this week.  It involved a teacher getting hyperactive in front of the classroom.  Though I wasn’t there, the description of his behavior or perhaps the perception from my child was a man yelling and flailing around.  It was history class, so I’m not sure what this behavior was all about, honestly, but my child’s experience was real.  So real that skipping the rest of school was necessary to calm down.  The hyperactivity and yelling of this teacher was a trigger and this is all it took.  Severe anxiety is a product of narcissistic abuse.

As I was pondering all of this in bed this morning, I pictured what I want my legacy to be.  What I want my legacy to be is not that I am a wife, a mother or a good friend.  I don’t want my legacy to involve my profession either.  I want my legacy to be that I helped people realize about narcissism and the recovery process.  I want this blog to live on forever and help people for many generations.  I want people to realize the truth about this horrific abuse and the recovery process.

I encourage you to continue to learn and grow.  Life is a journey and being stagnate isn’t an option if you want to survive this as best you can and live out the rest of your life with the happiness that you deserve.  I wish you all the best in this incredibly difficult recovery process.  You can do it though, because I am.  I’m not going anywhere!

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Have a great day!

Ilaya

 

Just Existing? You Don’t Have To!

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How many of you are just existing?  You are just going through each day doing what you have to do because your dreams have vanished.  You don’t smile like you used to and you would rather be alone.  Your circle of friends have changed and you don’t remember how that happened or when exactly that change occurred.  It just did.

Narcissists keep you just existing.  You may live day to day and you might be forced to keep thinking about the past.  Are you made to remember how much you “messed up” (according to them)?  They keep you existing today and remembering the past, but only by their memory not yours.   You see, you have to agree on the past as they remember it, because you can’t feel nor remember facts on your own (their goal).  Narcissists have to remember things so that they are the hero in their own made up story.  They don’t own their behavior and they would NEVER look bad, so more than likely their remembrance of the past is a different story than yours.  Of course, the few people who keep listening to them have to hear the story over and over again so that the insecure narcissist is validated, ironically on their own abusive behavior.  I just saw a red flag go up high in the sky!!  🙂  See how this works?

What a mess, huh?  Exactly, but that is their plan.  They keep you stagnant, sad, lonely, confused and lacking hope for a better future.  They want you to only exist in the present and the past so you have no goals and dreams unless it involves them, of course.  Your future is being controlled, because of their tactics and hold over you.  Existing in a false forced-upon reality of disillusions is what your life is like when you’re  with a narcissist. Am I right?  I’m imagining heads shaking right now.

Are you done existing?  Do you want to laugh again and feel like you used to?  Do you want your spark back and your friends?  Do you want to find yourself again and have the future you want?  Don’t just exist anymore.  Don’t just hold the line, push it forward!

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I would love to hear from you if this helps clarify your situation!!  ilayabaxter@gmail.com.  I’ll respond to your email!

Have a great day!

Ilaya