Narcissists are Button Pushers

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Hi everyone.  Sorry that I haven’t written in awhile.  I had another 5 am creative moment and empowering message to share so here I am once again.

I’ve had a rough time lately with huge stresses with someone close to me.  With the dust settling now I wanted to share something that has empowered me because it can be applied to dealings with narcissists.

We all know that narcissists are button pushers.  They actually study their victims to realize and understand what their buttons are.  Creepy isn’t it?  Narcissists want to make you uncomfortable and they hit you where you’re vulnerable.  They want to make you uneasy and self-doubting.  They want to lower your self-esteem and control you.  Can you think of your own vulnerabilities and how the narcissist in your life has tried to use them over and over again against you?  Worse yet, have you believed their comments and allowed the destructive tape to play over and over again in your mind?  Don’t feel bad, many of us have been there and this game of button pushing is intense and ruthless.

Now that you have come to the realization about what this tactic is and how it’s being executed upon you, it’s time to take action.  The action is simple.   Just say this phrase in your mind, to the narcissist, or just out loud.

You Aren’t Going to Push My Buttons Anymore!”

I used this weeks ago and I’m still empowered and I feel lighter.  I’m free just because I said this simple phrase.  Try it and I hope it works for you as it did me.

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Ilaya,  (Author of “The Chameleons Among Us”)

 

 

 

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Disrupters, Good or Bad?

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Hi everyone.  Sorry it’s been awhile.  Life has been quiet on the narcissist front which is fantastic!  However, I did have an interaction that has allow me to write about the word disrupters.

I recently came across something that violated my rights.  I waited a day to think about what I wanted to do and then I made a phone call.  I stood up for myself and got the end result I wanted.  It wasn’t easy to do, but my persistence to shed the light and be a disrupter prevailed.  We need to be our own advocate.  I have a favorite TV show that routinely talks about speaking up against anything that looks abnormal.  This is how positive change occurs.  If someone isn’t acting normal we need to let others know.  If there are red flags with someone then we need to voice our opinion to the authorities or to your friend who is dating who you think is a narcissist.  The bottom line is, Speak Up!

I’m a disrupter, but in a positive way.  I don’t get walked on and I will not be labelled.  This company I first spoke about wanted to label me.  I don’t think so.  Though the world has changed a lot, we still have rights.  I think it’s important to not be scared of the consequences if you speak up about someone who wrongs you.  I encourage you to find that strength because it is within all of us.  How bad do you want it?

On the other hand, narcissists are negative disrupters.  Their main goal is to upset your life, keep you be in a state of constant stress, make you think you’re crazy, hold you back from your dreams and control you until you loose your identity.  You don’t have to let this happen.  Dig deep and pull out that strength that is within you and disrupt and sidetrack his schemes, abuse, and tactics.  You can do it.  If you are reading my blog you are wanting to be that positive disrupter.  I’m just giving you that last push!  It’s time to hit the gas pedal and move forward.

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Where are you on the gauge today?  Is it still a challenge to speak up?  Are you ready to make the change and are making baby steps?  Are you already shaking things up a bit by recognizing you’re being mistreated and are speaking up?  Or are you on the full throttle to positively disrupt your life because you had enough?

Disruption can be a life changing positive action.  Today I’m giving the word disruption the positive connotation it deserves!

Have a wonderful day!

Ilaya

 

 

Is This Your Life?

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This is a simple representation of how a narcissist thinks and acts.  I’m sorry I don’t know where this came from or who wrote it, but it’s spot on.  After you read it I’ll dissect it with explanations.  Ask yourself, is this your life?

“That didn’t happen

And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.

And if it was, that’s not a big deal.

And if it is, that’s not my fault.

And if it was, I didn’t mean it.

And if I did,

You deserved it!”

Are you saying “wow!”  I know right?  Let me dissect it.

“That didn’t happen” is gaslighting.  It’s to confuse you and make your head spin so you loose track of the truth and reality.  Write things down to prove your point and keep your head straight if you are dealing with this.

“And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.”  Narcissists never own their behavior nor can they sympathize with your feelings.  They like to make you feel inferior by letting you know your feelings aren’t real and at the same time twisting reality.  They like drama but they have to be at the center of it to get sympathy for themselves.  You can’t get sympathy.

“And if it was, that’s not a big deal.”   Again, just putting you in your place like you are property or an object with no emotions.  They seek to hide their abuse of you, by blowing it off as not a big deal.  It’s manipulation.

“And if it is, that’s not my fault.”  They won’t own their behavior because that would be a narcissistic insult to their ego which they can’t endure.  Again, twisting reality by usually blaming you somehow for the problem.  It’s never them!

“And if it was, I didn’t mean it.”  Just a bold faced lie.  It’s to throw you off so you think they are still a good person.  Of course they meant it!  They say this so you won’t leave.  They have to pretend to be nice sometimes.  If history keeps repeating itself, things won’t change and they did mean it!  That’s a clue!

“And if I did, you deserved it!”  Blame shifting is the name of the game here.  They justify their abuse by telling themselves that you’re so bad that you deserve to be mistreated.  I call it bullshit!  🙂

You don’t deserve to be mistreated like this.  Now that you know how they think, it’s up to you to decide what’s best for your life.  All I can say is, it’s a heck of a way to live your life and being free of this is liberating!

The world is a big place with many wonders and happy things to experience.  If you are with a narcissist, forget being happy.  The two can’t coexist.

It’s time to seize the day for yourself and not be seized by a narc!

Thanks for reading and giving me feedback!

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Ilaya

 

 

 

 

Keep It Simple…

Keep it simple!

Whether you’re in the middle of your relationship with a narcissist or well beyond it, when dealing with them I can’t stress enough to keep it simple.

It’s very hard to keep things simple when you have to deal with a narcissist on a daily basis.  When they are in your face trying to control you, it’s hard not to go off on a rant of what they do to you.  It’s hard not to scream and yell and call them on their behavior.  It’s hard to answer with short phrases just to shut them up as they try to get a rise out of you.

That’s just it.  They try to get a rise out of you.  They want that response that tells them they are hurting and controlling you.  They live for this.  Remember, it’s all about them, so getting a reaction from you makes them feel superior.  They need to feel like the winner.  Their low self-worth depends on these interactions for fuel.

I was recently asked a question by a person I believe is a narcissist.  As the flood of memories poured through my brain and the witty come-backs raced across my mind I actually had trouble sorting out the lengthy list of what I could have said.  Finally, I came to the conclusion:  Keep It Simple!  My answer to the question was simply, “No.”  That’s it.  There’s nothing else to say, because my words don’t matter to this individual.  My opinions, thoughts and the truth don’t matter at all to this person.  The narcissist is always right and they don’t change.  They don’t own their behavior nor see beyond their very nose.  Their world revolves around them and they live in a different reality.  Their world isn’t the truth and once you realize this you’re free!  Saying anything beyond, “No” is a waste of my time and energy.  I smiled as I responded “No” and moved on immediately with something fun.  🙂

Are you struggling with your interactions with a narcissist?  Are you scratching your head wondering why your words mean nothing and seem to go in one ear and right out the other?  Are you a broken record, repeating yourself constantly wondering why you have to do this?  Well, all I can say is, “Keep It Simple.”

Answering a question with a simple word is okay.  It’s amazing what happens when you take the fuel away from a narcissist.  The fire goes out!

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Have a wonderful day!

Ilaya

 

Accepting What Is…

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Narcissists cause so much confusion before you really understand what you’re dealing with.  You might find your head spinning and your heart torn trying to figure things out because you think you can fix them and of course you love them.  Can they be fixed?  This is a question a lot of people ask.

Narcissists rarely change, because their false lives give them exactly what they desire to thrive, therefore why would they change?  If they did, they would be vulnerable to everyday life with its ups and downs.  Their low self esteem would go lower and survival would be much harder in their narrow-minded self-centered world.  Their everday goal is to one up people, control and manipulate situations to their benefit and gain.

Unfortuately, most of us spend too much time in the foggy phase and don’t realize that this person before us is scheming to hurt us.  Yes, they might be damaged people, but nobody says you have to be the recipent of their insecurities.  Instead, I hope my blog has unravelled the truth and brought to light just what narcissists are all about.

The truth is, it’s complicated and horrific.  You have to ask yourself what phase are you in?  Are you at the “accepting what is” phase yet?  This is when you kind of chuckle in your head when you hear them talk about themselves all the time.  When you start counting how many times they use the word, “I”.  It’s when you listen to their exaggerated story already knowing that they will be the hero like nobody else has ever been.  It’s when they blame you for cheating and you immediately realize they’re cheating.  It’s when they blow up at you for no reason and you say “wow, their ego must need a boost right now and I’m the whipping post.”  It’s when they promise you that trip or that gift, but you know darn well it’s empty promises.  It’s when you ask a question and their eyes shift and their answer is lame because they’re either lying or disrespecting you.  Remember, they do nothing wrong and they must put you down in order to feel good.

If you are in the “accepting what is” phase, then you’re making progress toward a better life.  It’s okay if you’re stuck here for a short while, because you have to make sure that what you’re experiencing is real and cyclical.  As you continue on the wheel of abuse and you start realizing change isn’t happening then you can start making healthy boundaries for yourself and plans for a better life.

A relationship with a narcissist is a process that you should allow yourself to go through.  There is no phase of beating yourself up over it, so get that out of your head.  There’s the confusion, smoke screen, foggy phase where you are unsure and they act mean, nice, mean, nice and charm is the name of the game.  Then there is the realization that the promise of changing isn’t happening and there is a cycle that keeps repeating itself.  Then you reach the educational phase where you start asking questions and reading about narcissism, narcissistic personality disorder and mental disorders.  Lastly, you  have to accept what is and move on with health boundaries and a healing environment.

Where are you today?  Remember there is no time to beat yourself up, but instead think about where you are and look onward to the next phase.  You have to accept the fact that you got fooled, but turn right around and smile that you know exactly what was and what is.

Good luck on your journey through this process.  It’s not for the weak.  I would give you my body armor, but I still need it.  🙂

I would love to hear from all of those folks from other countries who read my blog.  If you drop me a line I can easily get it translated into English.  The other day someone on instagram made a comment in Italian that said “Well done!”  “Ben fatto!”  For this I’m grateful.

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Ilaya

Their Words Are Just More Lies

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Narcissists live in a fantasy world that the rest of us can’t wrap our minds around.  Because their words and behaviors don’t make logical sense, we go crazy ourselves trying to figure it out.

Because narcissists live in a world different from reality, they lie, manipulate and fool people in order to keep their ego alive and healthy at least in their minds.  They will lie about anything in order to come across as the good guy or to keep you guessing about what the truth really is.  Being mysterious is something they thrive on and their charm is very believable.

Their actions are like poisonous tentacles touching many people in various ways.  They may say things like:  “But, I’m doing this for you, not me!”  “I’m doing everything I can in order for you to be happy, don’t you see?”  “I never want you to cry.”  “You’re the boss, whatever you say.”  These words are empty and usually are not backed up with actions or truth.  When the words don’t show their behavior then you know you have a problem.  They can only lie so long until you realize something isn’t adding up.  Listen to this very important clue!

I still think it’s amazing how one person can hurt so many.  The goal is to create instability, misalignment, chaos, and sadness.  This all can happen with very sneaky tactics that are subtle, but real.  If you are crying it’s real!  Don’t ignore it.

Remember, narcissists rarely tell the truth.  The more they look good to others the bigger the story will get.  The more they can make others look bad or crazy the more sane they look.  It’s all about contrast, mystery, and creating a false perception.  Doesn’t this make you mad?  I wouldn’t wish going up against a narcissist to my worst enemy.

If something seems wrong in your current relationship, I would recommend further reading about narcissism.  As I watch a particular show on TV about serial killers, psychopaths, and sociopaths I know that there is a lot of cross over between these very troubling people.  It’s scary.

You will never be happy with a liar, but instead seek happiness with someone truthful.

Crossing out Lies and writing Truth on a blackboard.

Ilaya

 

 

I Will Survive, No Matter What…

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I woke up today with this mantra: “I will survive.”  Of course I couldn’t go back to sleep, so here I am writing again.

I will survive.  I took a moment to reflect on how much I’ve changed due to narcissistic abuse.  The changes vary from good to bad ones.  My shoulders have grown very wide.   I have withstood a lot through the years, so as I keep enduring attacks I visualize my shoulders getting wider and wider with the strength to hold much weight.  My heart has hardened and my eyes see the world differently with an undertone of doubt.  I fight to have joy and I struggle with the unfairness that narcissists instill upon their victims.  One day I will be totally free from his influence and that day can’t come soon enough.  Until then I know I have to be strong.

I was once again attacked this week.  As the narcissist tries to defame my character, I fought back.  A picture that I had nothing to do with was used to try to destroy me, my reputation, and my character.  The tactics are unbelievable and the desperation for the narcissist to look good goes way beyond what average people can imagine.  It’s hard to explain, but those who have been through it know exactly what I’m talking about.

I realize though, I have a lot of endurance left!  I will continue to survive and fight back!  My knowledge of this horrible personality disorder has given me my power.  I feel like I am the ultimate detective, the ultimate narc buster, and the ultimate mind reader of their ways.  I will always survive this, but it will always be an uphill battle.  I’m sure I will have more stress, anxiety, and tears as I process the evil arrows that will undoubtedly come my way until the battle is finally over.  I got this!

My strength also comes with knowing that one day the truth will come out.  It might not be in this lifetime, but I know justice will be served one day.  As the earthly attacks keep coming, and they will, I will remain focused on the truth and the end results.  I’m thankful for my faith to get me through.  Without that I would be hopeless.

I want to encourage you today to keep fighting for yourself.  Educate yourself and focus on the truth.  Deflect those attacks and get away if you can.  Be a survivor and keep saying to yourself, “I will survive.”

One day the weights will be lifted off my shoulders and I will be left with just very strong muscles and a hell of a story to tell.  I will also be equipped to continue to shed light to those who are lost in the fog.  I can live with that.  🙂

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Ilaya