What Is Your Identity?

I’m amazed at how often life teaches us lessons if we are expectant.  Being open to seeing little blessings or teachings each day helps us grow and appreciate life more.

Recently a friend was disappointed when her young daughter asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up.  My friend struggled with the fact that she used to have a job, but now she was a stay at home mom.  I could tell she lost her identity and was really bothered that her five-year-old asked this question.  In all reality, I think the two of them had conversations about occupations and the young child just asked her an innocent question.  Seeing my friend lost in her own identity struck me and I said to her, “Your identity isn’t in your job.”  I could tell she heard me, but I’m not sure if she believed me.  This is sad, because not only is a stay-at-home mom important, but it’s a huge responsibility that is often under-appreciated.  But, as important as that job is, this isn’t her whole identity either.

We are focused on our identity, but in the wrong way.  Every time I have bought a vehicle, the salesman has always ask me “what do you do?”  Every time!  The last time, I ignored the question as I test drove the vehicle.  I acted like I didn’t hear him, which I know wasn’t really polite.  It bothers me so much that people are so wrapped up in what they do and what others do for a living.  Now for the salesman, the question isn’t asked because he truly cares, it’s more to size you up for the negotiation.  So see, there is an agenda behind the question.  That’s why it ticks me off.

Imagine looking at people and not thinking about their profession.  Isn’t that a more wholesome way to look at people?  Imagine your family physician as your average guy at home with his family.  We are all human and our jobs don’t really tell who we are.  What does this have to do with  narcissism or victims you may ask?

Narcissists use a false identity to lie and boost their image.  They are on the other end of the spectrum for sure.  They are really out in left field when it comes to reality.  They not only think they are awesome and entitle to everything, but they manipulate their identity to hurt others.  This is why I choose The Chameleons Among Us as my book title.

Now, victims on the other hand lose their identity.  Through all of the abuse, victims lose their dreams, their desires, and literally who they are.  It takes effort to recover and find that identity again.  Remember, your identity isn’t your job, but it’s what makes you tick.  Look inside yourself.  What are you passionate about.  What is your purpose in life.  Do something today that makes you happy.  That’s who ___________(first name) is!

Take time to look within and not around the workplace.  Your identity isn’t your name with a bunch of letters behind it or in front of it.  Your identity is your first name and what makes you burn inside with passion, love, happiness and peace.

Victims!  You don’t have to forgive and forget, but instead remember and recover.  Recover who you are.  Recover those dreams.  Recover your passion for life.  You have an important identity and it’s right within you.  It’s worth finding again!!

Have a wonderful day!

Ilaya, Author of The Chameleons Among Us




What Makes Good Prey For a Narcissist?

I read an article that lists seven things a narcissist looks for in a victim.  The link is:  https://themindsjournal.com/narcissist-victim-checklist/

It was interesting to read.  I think victims need to read this list and understand where you fit in this list and what you can change.  Here is the list:

  1. Someone who is very trusting and has poor boundaries
  2. Someone who wants to heal other people
  3. Someone who lacks self worth
  4. Someone who lets them play the victim card
  5. Someone from whom they can derive some gains
  6. Someone who is emotionally vulnerable
  7. Someone who is looking for superficial expressions of love                                                                                                                                                    I think this list is very accurate.  I had every one of these and it is no surprise that I was an easy target.  The real question is have you changed?  Maybe you need this list to fully understand why you stayed in a narcissistic abusive relationship.  Don’t beat yourself up, but grow from here.  You can change these things with self help and education.  Life is about trials and growing.  If we didn’t have trials we couldn’t grow into the character we are meant to be.  Spring board from here and change YOU.  Don’t be another victim.  Don’t be preyed upon.  It’s time for you to take control of your life and be happy today.








Inside the Court Room (with a narcissist)

Now that I’m mostly away from the narcissist, I can look back and realize how much I’ve been through.  When you are in a trial sometimes you don’t realize the intensity of the whole experience.

For some reason I decided to count how many times I have touched the legal system due to narcissism. I think I have been astounded about how much I know and can help people.  I answer questions daily and my blog is reaching more and more people all over the world.  Today I might break my record of views on my blog.  I can’t keep up with the questions that are coming to me about narcissism.  It is obviously a problem we have that people need answers.

I have been engaged in the legal system eight different times strictly due to narcissism.  Their fight to win and control is off the charts.  Through their lies and manipulation sometimes they win either custody, more visitation, money, or real estate etc.  They don’t want to part with their things and their entitlement shoots them into a realm of pure war.  If it sounds like I know some things, well, I do.

Eight different times I have either hired a lawyer, been in front of a mediator, played lawyer myself at least once, talked to state officials, been to multiple hearings, have had a police officer stand beside me because he thought I was the crazy one (yep, you got it), and I have been deposed and have had others deposed.  I have quite some experience and this is why I’m trying to share my story.

The inside of a court room doesn’t phase me anymore.  If I have to go in there again, I’m ready.  Oh, I forgot about the time when a total stranger glared at me in the court room like I was the devil.  She was just a flying monkey who didn’t know better.  I forgive her.  I get it.  No, I really get how this all works.  🙂

So, anyone out there in the legal system struggling to win, keep trying!  If you are fighting for your children’s safety and emotional health, keep trying!  If you are fighting for what is yours in a divorce, keep trying!  I get it.  It takes incredible strength to keep fighting against a narcissist, but you can do it.  Do it until it doesn’t make any more sense.

For all of those narcissists who keep putting out the bad energy, well I do believe in karma and I have complete faith in all of the victims out there.  You can have all of your materialistic things and money, but you truly don’t have happiness inside.  The victims will be happy inside once again.  This is all that matters.

Stay strong,

Ilaya,  Author of The Chameleons Among Us

Words of a Child from Narcissistic Abuse

I am always sad to read stories of children who are abused by a narcissistic parent.  What a position for a child who can’t get away from the abuse simply because of age.  What a position for a child to be abused behind closed doors by a person who completely lives a false life defending and lying to cover up the abuse.

My work continues as I spread awareness globally about narcissism.  I’m truly astounded by all of the people reading my blog from all over the world.  I hope the information is making the world a better place and changing lives.

Our children need protection and this can start by educating young people to see the red flags while dating.  Having children with a narcissist is the beginning of a difficult trial.  It’s truly a horrific fight for the other parent to see the child upset and fearful.  How pathetic for an adult to bully their own children into a destructive conditioning pattern that will affect the rest of their lives.

A child told me yesterday that he was afraid to do anything wrong.  He thought years ago that absolutely horrible things would happen to him if he did anything wrong.  He said to me that he doesn’t think  being afraid of a parent is right and that he respected his mother since she didn’t make him fearful.

The truth does eventually come out and children will come to their own conclusions.  Let’s face it narcissists can’t hide themselves from their children who are easy targets for them and children sense who is nice and who isn’t.  Narcissists can’t be nice, at least not consistently.  What a blessing that this child is growing into his own determination of the truth.  He lived through hell and he stands here today to talk about it.  I believe he will be a stronger person because of it and will be grateful for the nice men who come into his life.  He often talks about one particular man in his life who demonstrates an extraordinary kindness for him.  This man is a teacher who is just a nice guy.  That’s all it takes is to just be nice!!  Another male teacher asked him if he was feeling okay since he was coughing lately.  This child remarked about how grateful he was that this teacher took a second to care.  The comparison between his narcissistic father and a teacher being normal strikes this young boy as being wonderful.  The smile on his face that a male figure cares spoke volumes to me.

I’m grateful today that this young boy will have an enhanced sense of gratefulness.  Sometimes you have to look for the silver lining.  Sometimes you have to just realize that trials that we all go through will be for the better.  We all should be grateful for the little things in life not because we have a horrible story to compare it to.  This is the lesson I learned from this young boy and I wanted to share with all of you.

Gratefulness is a key to happiness.  Look for the silver lining and trust that you are being molded in some way through your trials.

Have a wonderful day and take a moment to be grateful.


If They Didn’t Know It Was Wrong…

I have something for you to think about.  If a narcissist truly didn’t know that what he (or she) was doing was wrong, then why doesn’t he do it in front of other people?

The abuse of a narcissist occurs behind closed doors.  It occurs in the church parking lot in the car before going in.  Right?  The abuse doesn’t happen at the office party, or the family gathering as much as it happens behind your front door or your bedroom door with nobody  around.  He’s not going to call you that name in front of other people because he needs to maintain his story.  He needs to maintain his cover.  He needs to keep his supply coming to fill his ego.

I believe this is a conscious effort to know the difference of where to launch the horrid abuse tactics on victims.  They are calculated and sneaky.  They will be the charmers at the party making sure that their partner appears happy and keeps her mouth shut.  These are conscious behaviors to avoid exposure and maintain control.  Walking on eggshells is the norm.

Of course they know their behavior is wrong.  They chose to blow through boundaries behind closed doors and maintain those very same boundaries in public.  I don’t know about you, but I’m exhausted thinking about it.  What a shame that narcissists spend their energy living a fake life and purposely hurting others all to save their face.

Let’s face it.  Narcissists would call you that name in public he if didn’t know it was wrong.  Instead, he bites his tongue and saves it for later at your home that truly is just a house.  A home looks entirely different, doesn’t it?

Do you live in a house or a home today?  If your answer is a house, then I encourage you to make yourself a home.  Take care of you.  It hit me today when I spoke with someone who had several different types of cancer at 58 years old.  Life is too short to be in a house.  I want you to have a home.  A happy home that is healing and full of laughter.

Ilaya, Author of The Chameleons Among Us.


“I’ll Tell You Later…”



Narcissists like to be mysterious.  Let’s face it, they hide behind masks and play with people’s minds and emotions, on purpose.  I have an interesting experience I wanted to share and to see if others have experienced it also.

Have you ever had a narcissist answer a question with, “Oh yeah, you know, I’ll tell you the details later.”  How about this one:  “Oh well, you don’t know the whole story.  I’ll have to tell you later.”  What’s wrong with answering questions now?  The answer is:  Nothing!

When narcissists want to instill mystery in either their victims or flying monkeys, they will do this.  They avoid answering questions because they want you to keep coming back for more which gives them attention and/or they are hiding something which is how they roll.

If you tell a narcissist:  “No, I would like you to answer the question now,” they will probably either walk away or possibly go into a rage.  Am I right?  Try it if you want to further solidify the red flag right before your face.  I feel this is a huge red flag and people who are dating need to know this!

“I’ll tell you later?”  No, tell me now.  If you are an honest human being who has nothing to hide there is no “I’ll tell you later.”  I like straight shooters and honesty.  There is no honesty in delaying answers to questions.  There is no honesty in never getting to the answers later.  This is a sign of a con and narcissists are cons.  Period.

If you hear the words, “I’ll have to tell you later,”  RUN!  Unless you are in the middle of some event where the narcissist literally can’t carry on a conversation, there is no reason to delay communication.  Delaying communication is a platform for further deceit.  Has anyone else experienced this?

Have another wonderful day warriors!

Ilaya, Author of The Chameleons Among Us

You Have to Nothing Them

Healing from narcissistic abuse isn’t easy.  It takes time and effort for sure to heal from the horrific abuse.  It takes education about the disorder and a lot of self work to heal from the inside out.

So after you realize the truths about NPD you have to start healing.  Working on yourself takes effort to transition from victim mode to survivor/thriver mode.  You can’t remain in the victim mode if you want to grow and thrive.  You can’t keep replaying the past or keep thinking about all of the bad things that still might come your way.  You have to increase your vibrational energy by taking care of yourself and putting most of your effort into positive activities.  You need to surround yourself with a great support system and be present in the moment.  Have an attitude of gratitude and start dreaming of the future.

What do you do with the feelings toward the narcissist?  This could be someone you have children with or not.  This could be someone you spent one year with or 20 years or more with.  Whatever the case, you can’t love them nor hate them.  It’s counter intuitive to love a person who abused you and of course hating them only hurts you.  You can of course say that you don’t wish ill will on them, but really where are you supposed to put those feelings?  It feels like an empty hole.  It’s like you have to “nothing them” to keep moving forward.  It’s an odd place to be, but I’m living it.  I’m allowing  my situation to build character and to get me to dream about my future.  I’m writing my life with the right relationships and I’m taking care of me.  I’m present in the moment and I often enjoy the little things in my every day world.  I just loved seeing deer and turkeys yesterday.  It made me smile.

I’m not going to feel bad for feeling nothing toward a man who severely hurt my life and continues to do so as best he can.  I simply feel nothing and chose to put my thoughts into my new life.  I’m raising my vibrational energy and I’m going to conquer the rest of my life without the destructive thoughts that once plagued me.

I win.  I am winning.  I will be the winner in the end.  I’m excited for the rest of my life and I’m thankful to be blessing others with my knowledge and experiences.  Get excited and be okay with feeling nothing.  If you find yourself slipping back to old thoughts, tell your mind you need a better thought.  They are in there, you just have to actively find them and be present so that the positive thoughts prevail.  Positive thinking will be second nature eventually.

Who knew feeling nothing would be the answer, but it is.

Look up and ask yourself, what will make me happy today?  Go for it and smile.

Ilaya, Author of The Chameleons Among Us.