The Domino Effect…

dominoes

Guess who’s finger that is?  Any guesses?  If you guessed a narcissist then you’re correct!

Narcissists push buttons, test the waters, and hone in on your weaknesses.  They touch many people and various aspects of life in so many negative ways that they need to come with a warning label.  You know, one of those poison stickers or how about a red cap or at least the word WARNING in big red letters.  The problem is that they don’t come with a warning label, their agendas are hidden, and their charm hides the truth allowing them to push over that first domino.  Let the tumbling begin!

With every narcissistic rage, the domino effect happens causing one or more people to be frightened, intimidated, and fearful.  Kids get abused and victims loose their identities.  Another tumbling effect is when narcissists spend money as if there were numerous money trees in the back yard, the family’s finances go down the toilet because living for the moment and gathering “stuff” is their motto.  Let’s not forget the lying domino.  Narcissists lie a lot and the effects are widespread covering up infidelity and the littlest things in life all because they need to be mysterious, sneaky, and in control.

Narcissists pick and choose their dominoes.  They know your weaknesses and push and shove here and there to get their desired effects.  If their fuel stops (or we could say the domino line stops falling), well then they just choose another row of dominoes to manipulate.  It’s all about cause and effect and the next thing you know all of the dominoes are down.  This means the victim is right where the narcissist wants.  Defeated.  You will be stressed beyond recognition and fatigued to the point of having no fight left.  Your confusion will be overwhelming and your anger will consume you.  The smear campaign will be extensive and the game is not worth playing anymore because nobody will believe you.  Sound familiar?

Narcissists are excellent at playing dominoes!  This way of playing dominoes is nothing I would be proud of that’s for sure.  Imagine knocking them down on purpose to create havoc, stress, fear, anxiety, and depression for the people you supposedly love?  I hope you can see what I’m saying and take control of the game you’re in.

A big domino for me has been a smear campaign.  The word on the street is “I’m mean!”  LOL.  I have to laugh at this.  Think about all of the affects a smear campaign cause as the sound waves go out like ripples in the water after a huge rock is tossed into a lake.  Holding your head high through that isn’t the easiest thing to do, but my head is high.  Luckily I have incredible faith that has blessed me through all of this.  Let’em talk, because I’m not going anywhere nor do I have to answer to anybody.  I answer to my heavenly father, who is all I need.

I have realized lately, that I’m putting up the dominoes faster now than they are getting pushed over.  I’m ahead of it, finally!  I won’t let any more aspects of my life get pushed over anymore.  All the dominoes are standing up and any that he tries to push over are figments of his imagination.  Excuse me while I smile and giggle a bit.  🙂

Don’t let the domino effect happen anymore.  Why be with someone who wants to keep pushing your buttons and creating complete chaos!  They’re destructive people with an invisible warning label that I hope to shed light on to everyone who reads my blog across this globe.  The warning label isn’t invisible once you educate yourself.  Start putting up those dominoes that were pushed over.  They were pushed over on purpose!  What nerve!  Even better, not only set up those dominoes, but make them colorful and arrange them into pathways for success and happiness, because YOU DESERVE IT!  You can do it, just like I have!  Boy does it feel good!

colorfuldominoes

Ilaya

 

 

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Emotional Whiplash, huh.

iStock-whiplash-neck-spine-chiro

We think of whiplash as when we get into a car accident and our neck hurts afterwards. The physical quick movement of the multiple back and forth insults during impact cause whiplash.  There are actually three impacts that occur.  One is vehicle to vehicle, the second is your body to your car, and the third is your organs against your body.  Never thought about that did you?

Whiplash is bad causing pain for weeks afterwards.  It’s an insult to our bodies that I wouldn’t wish on anyone.  The pain from physical whiplash seems to go away over time since our bodies are amazing at healing themselves, but what about emotional whiplash?  During my holistic visit this week, I was asked whether I had whiplash.  The answer was no, well sort of.

The whiplash that she detected was emotional whiplash.  Well, that explains it.  Any victim of a narcissist encounters extreme emotional abuse.  It’s like being toss around here and there like a ragdoll.  One minute you love them and the next you don’t.  One minute you think you have them figured out, but then the chameleon changes color.  Their course changes to keep you guessing and the next thing you know you’re on an emotional roller coaster only to be stopped by YOU, but you don’t know this let alone know how to stop the damn ride!  They’re controlling the ride and won’t stop it because of the happiness and satisfaction that they have seeing you an emotional wreck.

I wanted to share something that I have know for about 15 yrs.  Many of you might be familiar, but if I help out just one person then it was worth sharing.  Our emotions affect our organs and this is why many victims are sick after being in a toxic relationship.  It’s real.  It’s serious and I want to help you get out of an emotional whiplash cycle.

Emotions-and-organs-chart

Happy_organs

It’s time to stop being emotionally beat up.  What do you say?

Have a wonderful day.  Smile because you’re on the right path.  The path of healing is awesome!

Ilaya

A Monkey On My Back, Literally

monkey-off-back

 

Over the years I have gone to several holistic providers.  Some call them healers.  I live in an area where it is very accepted and I have learned a lot about the human body from these interactions.  I’ve learned that dis-ease can come from an imbalance of your spiritual, emotional and physical being.  I believe in essential oils, tinctures, acupuncture, reflexology, chiropractic care, etc.  because they have helped me through the years.  I also believe there is a spirt realm that some of these “healers” can see and feel.  If you don’t believe that entities, spirits and emotional baggage can negatively affect the human body, you can stop reading now.  For those who do, please continue reading.

When I have these appointments a common question comes up.  “What did you do to your shoulder..back…neck”?  I always say, “nothing” because I have no prior injuries.  I know that I hold stress/anxiety in my neck causing my shoulders to be tender and stiff.  Sometimes I’ve gotten headaches due to the tension held in my neck.  The chiropractor always finds a tender spot near my left kidney that he applies acupressure on to release.  When he touches it for the first time it hurts so bad that my right leg involuntarily jerks up enough to almost kick him.  Kidneys are related to fear and forgiveness.  It’s always great to work that “kink” out of my back.

Kinks.  We call them kinks.  Have you ever thought of those kinks being something related to emotions or even worse an actual “monkey” on your back?  I was told today that I have a “monkey” on my back with it’s thumbs in my spinal cord in my neck and the feet on either side of my lower back.  The monkey’s hold is strong and the negative affects are hurting my health and my moving forward in life.  This monkey was put on me unknowingly and has been there for a long time.  The ironic thing is, I have always loved monkeys, ever since I watched that TV show, BJ and the Bear, but this “monkey” has disguised himself and isn’t welcome.  Hiding behind a disguise is what narcissists do in order to achieve their agendas, just saying.

The “monkey” was taken off today with some body work that I had done.  It’s up to me to keep him off.  My homework is to keep this “monkey” off my back so I can continue to heal and move forward.  I need to forgive and keep working on my thought patterns.  I want to be free of the “monkey” forever, more than I can explain in words.

Has a narcissist put a “monkey” on your back?  It doesn’t need to stay there.  Their control of you and every detail of your life needs to stop.  You can discard that “monkey” by being proactive with your health and your healing.  I walk around today without the “monkey” and I can’t tell you how free I feel.  The grip around my neck and the kicks into my lower back will happen no more.  The foothold in my life spiritually, emotionally, and physically has been broken.  What a journey and realization it has been.  Today the saying, “Not my monkey, not my circus” takes on a new meaning.

My love of animals makes me hope that one day I get to actually hold a tame monkey.  I want it to get on my back and put it’s arms around my neck as we take a stroll.  If that ever happens the smile on my face will mean so much more than just a tourist interacting with a “wild” animal, but instead it will have a deeper meaning to me that only victims like myself would understand.

Bristol+Zoo+Welcomes+Orphaned+Gorilla+a-c2mLasAXUx

 

Ilaya

Owning Their Behavior is Foreign

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Have you ever noticed that a narcissist won’t own their behavior?  They sure are good at changing the truth, blaming you, and making your head spin.  Right?

It’s amazing to me how a narcissist perceives or plays out reality.  A simple question of “Why did you do that?” turns into a rage of blaming YOU and making YOU feel bad.  They might call you verbally abusive, believe it or not.  They are quick to be the victim and lash out at you for asking them a question that they feel they certainly don’t have to answer.  They don’t have to explain their behavior because their entitlement tells them so.  It’s their way or no way.  Control is one of their main games, but you don’t have to play.  They’re able to walk all over you without any explanation whatsoever.  They’re able to do or not do anything because they truly don’t care about your feelings.  An honest mature relationship is foreign to them.

Have you ever asked, “Why are you yelling at me?” and be told that you’re a nag?  Have you ever asked them to stop spending so much money and get instead a narcissistic rage that lasts for hours?  If you don’t know by now, you can’t take away materialistic things from a narcissist without paying a huge price.  Have you seen them flat out ignore your reasonable question?  The truth is, they don’t have integrity and can’t respond in a mature way because your relationship isn’t healthy and mature at all when it comes right down to it.

Narcissists don’t own their behavior because their behavior isn’t from the heart and it surely isn’t on the up and up.  If you find yourself being called a bully, a nag, a worthless partner incapable of taking care of yourself etc.  you might want to stop the head spinning games that are being launched upon you.  You need to have confidence in what you’re feeling and get back to the truth.  It’s okay to ask questions in life, but if someone can’t truly own their behavior, well, my belief is that it’s a huge red flag!

red-flag

You can stop being their victim.  You can stop getting manipulated and told lies.  You can stop being influenced by a narcissist right now.  You can do it and you can own that behavior with your head held high.

Have a wonderful day.

Ilaya

Honesty is the Best Policy.

honesty-is-the-best-policy

 

Many of you reading my blog are dealing with or have dealt with a narcissist.  Because of your dealings, you know that honesty is right out the window during your conversations.  Their avoidance of the subject is classic and their diversion schemes go unnoticed early in the relationship.  Eventually most victims finally get so confused and the light bulb turns on.

The best way to have a healthy relationship is to be honest.  Narcissists aren’t honest with themselves so they surely won’t be honest with anybody else.  They never admit that they have done anything wrong and they basically make up stories to divert the attention off of themselves as soon as their self-esteem gets attacked.  Accountability is not something they practice, but instead their energy is put toward defensiveness and anger.  Their gas-lighting is a key tactic in making you believe that you don’t remember things correctly and that you are the problem.  “That didn’t happen!” is a common phrase that they use to avoid accountability.  It’s amazing what happens when you ask them to be accountable.  Well, what happens usually is a narcissistic rage crying the victim while attacking the real victim.  Sounds confusing, doesn’t it?  Exactly, that is the plan.

You won’t get honesty out of a narcissist.  They will avoid the truth.  They won’t own up to their behavior, and they will never be wrong.  If you see this pattern over and over again, you may be with a narcissist or maybe your friend is one.  Perhaps a close relative or coworker fits the description.  If it doesn’t make sense, it’s because it doesn’t make sense.  Once you know they are a narcissist then you can lower your expectations and predict their behavior.  If you ask them where they were, you probably won’t get the truth.  That’s just how it is.  If you are able to further investigate where they were, you might be surprised that it isn’t where they said they were.  If you know how they operate, then your surprise will be validation instead.  Too many people are uneducated about narcissism and end up being surprised.  I want more people to validate their suspicions instead.  This is why I write on my blog, shedding the light.

It’s impossible to have a healthy relationship without honesty.  Indirect communication is hard enough among family and friends, but purposeful dishonesty will wreck a relationship quickly.  It’s astounding to get to the realization that dishonesty is the foundation of a relationship with a narcissist.  The outside world thinks they are wonderful people, but you the victim behind closed doors knows differently.  The mask of a narcissist covers up their true self, but don’t get fooled that there is any honesty behind that mask, because there isn’t.  You will only get a fleeting second of honesty if any at all.

How many facets of life could be completely fake in your relationship with the narcissist?  It’s scary.  Do you know who they really are?  Do you know if they are cheating?  Do you really know who they are and what they are doing?  Remember, if it doesn’t add up then get to the bottom of it.  Time reveals the truth and so do GPS trackers.  They are easy to install if you feel the need to do further investigation into the level of honesty in your relationship.  It may help you learn, grow, and move on.

One thing is for sure.  Narcissists purposefully use dishonesty to hurt you and cover up the truth.  Do you want this for your life?  Or do you want someone who can be real, talking from the heart, truly loving and respecting your relationship?  It’s sad that NPD is out there and people fall victim to their charming ways.

I hope my posts continue to help people understand NPD.  I would love some feedback from my readers.  Ben Franklin had it right, “honesty is the best policy.”

Ilaya, Author of The Chameleons Among Us

 

It’s a Global Problem

globeSometimes I wake up between 4:00-4:30 am with great ideas.  Instead of being frustrated that I’m awake, I’ve been embracing these creative moments.

I woke up today wanting to share with you the list of countries that are represented by my readers just in the past six months.  I hope and believe that my readers find something that resonates with them regarding their life and that I’m successful in shedding light on this apparently global problem.  Why wouldn’t it be global?  Where there are people there will be narcissism, unfortunately.

Check out the list:

  1.  U.S.
  2. Canada
  3. Spain
  4. Japan
  5. Slovenia
  6. Philippines
  7. France
  8. Germany
  9. India
  10. Trinidad & Tobago
  11. Israel
  12. Pakistan
  13. Australia
  14. United Kingdom
  15. Thailand
  16. Netherlands
  17. Argentina
  18. New Zealand
  19. Greece
  20. Switzerland
  21. Malaysia
  22. Jamaica
  23. Croatia
  24. Egypt
  25. Aruba
  26. Poland
  27. Serbia
  28. Kenya
  29. Ireland
  30. Czech Republic
  31. South Africa
  32. Romania
  33. Malta
  34. Latvia
  35. Sweden
  36. Brazil
  37. Hong Kong SAR China
  38. Belgium
  39. Nigeria
  40. Ethiopia
  41. Palestinian Territories
  42. Puerto Rico
  43. Indonesia
  44. Italy
  45. Honduras
  46. Cyprus
  47. Singapore
  48. Finland
  49. Austria
  50. Bulgaria
  51. Cuba
  52. Gibraltar
  53. United Arab Emirates
  54. Mexico
  55. Norway
  56. Morocco
  57. Bosnia & Herzegovina
  58. Oman
  59. Dominican Republic
  60. Bahamas
  61. Reunion
  62. Portugal
  63. Taiwan
  64. Antigua & Barbuda
  65. Botswana
  66. Slovakia
  67. Nepal
  68. European Union
  69. Tunisia
  70. Turkey
  71. Colombia

This list tells me that narcissism is real and it’s global.  Most importantly, I want you to know that you’re not alone!  Don’t beat yourself up, but instead find your path to healing and understanding.  I hope my blog is part of your healing process.

Thank you for reading about my insights into narcissistic personality disorder.  I love emails and comments from you if you wish to share.  Your identity will never be shared.  I look forward to adding more countries to the list!

Have a wonderful day!

Ilaya, Author of The Chameleons Among Us

Hidden Agendas Are Real

hiddenagenda

 

Who knew that there are people in this world who have hidden agendas.  I certainly didn’t realize this in my early adulthood.  I started understanding the real world with my first real job.  People had agendas and as a young woman I was left navigating the land of the unknown.  The learning curve was steep and without my strength I would have been a part of the “ME TOO” movement.  Hidden agendas are real.

Luckily I didn’t have a Hollywood career that I needed to save and I was able to speak up and be like a deer in the woods.  I meandered elsewhere only to find more hidden agendas, however just with a different group of people.  I quickly learned that hidden agendas were everywhere and the real world wasn’t as kind as I had hoped.  I still face hidden agendas in my life, but I can see it coming from a long way and my diplomacy is being crafted as I learn from each experience.  Life sure is a journey, but I’ve grown so much in all of my experiences and for that I’m thankful.

Back to hidden agendas.  Well, narcissists are all about hidden agendas.  Their agendas are just a bit more hidden than the coworker who wants your job etc.  You will more readily figure out that the coworker is setting you up for failure than what a narcissist does.  Narcissists are able to disguise their motives with sneaky tactics and charm.  Being master manipulators creates a stage for their hidden agendas to be executed without you even knowing it or at least not for a long time.  Unless you are following my blog and are educating yourself, you may be one of those that is fooled for a long time.  Don’t feel bad, because you aren’t alone!

My book covers 20 tactics.  Those tactics can also be called hidden agendas.  Some of those are control, name-calling, gaslighting, preemptive defense, projection, changing the subject, threats, destructive conditioning, smear campaigns, love-bombing, triangulation and hoovering.  Do you know that a narcissist wants you to be jealous of another person? Do you know they want to silence you with threats?  Do you know that they purposefully want to ruin your celebration?  Do you know that they want you to feel like you are crazy?

The tactics or hidden agendas are very real.  Chances are you are experiencing them right now or have in the past.  It’s crazy isn’t it?  Who would want to be with someone who has hidden agendas ready to be played on you?  Remember, time reveals the truth and going slow in the relationship helps uncover if they’re a chameleon or not.  Narcissists want the relationship to go fast.  Don’t fall for the hidden agendas and if they want to rush into marriage think twice.  Protect yourself, because if you can get out before you’re more entangled you will be way better off.

I hope this helps prevent you from being a victim to this obvious plan of attack.  But remember, it’s only obvious to those who really understand what’s exactly happening to them.

Ilaya