What does their “I love you” mean?

If a narcissist says, “I love you,” it has a whole different meaning.

Does this sound familiar?  (Taken from articlesbrain.com)

When I say “I love you, I really mean,”

  1.  I love how hard you work to make me feel important and that I’ll never be expected to do the same.
  2. I love the power I have to take advantage of your kindness and make you feel small and insignificant.
  3. I love thinking of you as weak, vulnerable and gullible.
  4. I love the way I feel never discussing what you want to discuss.
  5. I love making you feel crazy.
  6. I love raising my expectations of you while having you lower your expectations of me.
  7. I love how you alleviate my pain and I make you feel like you will never be good enough.
  8. I love feeling like you are my property I own, my possession.
  9. I love how you enhance my status in the eyes of others.
  10. I love how you work hard to prove your love and devotion to the almighty me.
  11. I love how I love myself through you and I love hating you because of my neediness of having to rely on you.
  12. I love how I feel when I blame you because it protects me from something I hate to admit.
  13. I love that you help me keep my illusion of power alive in my mind.
  14. I love teaching you that needing closeness is for the weak.
  15. I love making  you flustered over failing to get what you want from me.
  16. I love taunting you with your own words later so that you keep spinning your wheels.
  17. I love dismissing you until you have learned your lesson and know your lot in life is to please me with no opinions of your own.
  18. I love making you feel insecure by giving attention to other women and make you beg for the same attention.
  19. I love throwing a few crumbs your way when you want to leave me only to get you back to abuse you longer.
  20. I love charming you that I will change.  Deceit is my game and I’m the best at it.
  21. I love using you as a punching bag in order to make myself feel good and you bad about yourself.  See how this works?
  22. I love controlling your mind and your beliefs.
  23. I love that no matter how hard you beg for my love, it won’t happen as long as I’m in control.
  24. I love shifting the conversation onto what’s wrong with you because you don’t make me feel loved enough!
  25. I love reminding you of how much I’ve done for you and how ungrateful you are.
  26. I love manipulating others’ opinions of you so I look like the good guy and you the bad guy.
  27. I love how easy it is to say “NO!” to you and keep your focus on me.
  28. I love being your drug of choice you have to have no matter how poorly I treat you.
  29. I love that the longer you stay the more you will lose what you value the most.
  30. I love to isolate you and I love making you mistrust others so you feel like nobody else would put up with you, but me.
  31. I love that you keep telling me that I hurt you, because this tells me that my tactics are effective.
  32. I love that I will remain a mystery that you will never solve.

Ladies (and men), there is no mystery.  You have all the knowledge you need right here.

Ilaya

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It’s all about networking…

Narcissists are the kings and queens of networking.  Usually networking is a positive thing, but not when it comes to a narcissist.

I have been amazed how narcissists spend their time seeking out people to basically use and exploit.  They seek out the rich, the sympathetic, and the gullible.  I once was told a narcissist said:  “We have to be nice to her because she has lots of money.”  Wow.  They truly are gifted in this area and innocent people get sucked into their vortex of deceit.

Beware church goers of this networking scheme.  Always get both sides of the story to make your own decision about the truth.  If you don’t, you may find yourself out of money, time, and energy.  They will suck you dry along with others in their network.

Networking is the name of the game.  It’s a scheme and boy does it work.  Narcissists have a sixth sense to smell you out and prey upon you.  Their charm and lies will make you feel sorry for them and the next thing you know you are in their network.  You are jumping through their hoops, giving them money and time.

Just remember:  What appears to be the truth, might not be.  Time usually reveals the truth.  Beware of the Narc Network!!

Have a wonderful day.

Ilaya

Can you say “No” without judgment?

How many of you have relationships that allow you to say “no” to something without you feeling like you have to justify your “no”?

A healthy relationship allows for one person to say “no” without having to feel like they will be judged.  They don’t feel like they have to give a good excuse.  They feel like their opinions matter and there is a healthy dialogue involving respect.

Living with an abuser or narcissist is totally different, unfortunately.  What happens is the victim has an internal need to give a good excuse for saying “no.”  They know the games will begin and their opinions will be invalidated or manipulated.  You get to the point where you think to yourself, what’s the point of having an opinion.  It never matters anyway.  This behavior over time takes away  your identity.  It takes away your life and you feel like you have to obey the rules or else.

Listen.  Your “No” matters.  Your “No” should be listened to with respect.  It’s okay to speak up, but if you feel like you can’t you ARE in an unhealthy relationship.  You will find your life unraveling and piled on top of you.  It’s an ugly place to end up.

Good luck in practicing your “NO!”

Ilaya

 

Are you really sick?

Narcissists sometimes play sick to reel you back in or get your attention.  If you know you live with a narcissist then keep this in mind.

Keep your eye out for this behavior of playing “sick.”  By saying they are “sick,” or have cancer, or had a heart attack, etc. they are playing on your human emotion of compassion when they are lying.  It’s normal to be compassionate to someone in need.  Just remember that when it comes from a narcissist it could be fake.

Sometimes narcissist threatened suicide, like I have said before.  Well, what are we supposed to do when someone threatens suicide?  We are supposed to call the police.  I think a compassionate response to the narcissist who threatens suicide is to call the authorities.  Right?  If you feel the guilt placed on you about them committing suicide then involve the police.  For goodness sake, you want to help them right?  Sure would be interesting to see if they ever threaten suicide again.  Remember they don’t ever want to look bad.  Their image is everything.  I will caution you though, you may receive backlash from them.  But!  If it gives you clarity on exactly their motives then I think shedding the light on the situation is what needs to happen.  Suicide is serious talk, but your emotional health is important as well.  Offering help will either help them or flesh out the truth.  Right?  Hint:  If they rage at the thought of you getting them help, then pretty much you know it’s a game.  This is my opinion.

Let me give an example:  I had to confront a potential burglar on my property once.  After he told me his story of “running from someone” and “having to hide.”  I said:  “Oh my gosh, let me call the police so they can escort you home!”  The guy couldn’t say “No, no that’s okay!” fast enough.  I shed the light on his lies.  Though I was scared to death, I stopped him and shone the light.  Caution, this may not be the answer in every situation.  I did get him off my property ASAP as the police were on the phone hearing my every word.  It took balls, but I did it.  He probably won’t be back.  Let’s hope!

Give them the attention they want and get them the help they so desire.  I think getting one step ahead of them helps and hopefully opens up the path to a better life with or without them.  They already treat you poorly, so if they blow up it’s just par for the course.  Would be nice though if you called them on their tactic.  If they are playing other sicknesses then there should be medical records or tests to prove their sickness.

Just food for thought.  Narcissists have many tricks in their bag.  Know the tricks, see them coming, and be prepared to respond in order to light up the truth!  Don’t let the guilt tripping overwhelm your life.  Try to get to the truth.  Are they sick or not?  That is today’s question.

Ilaya

“It’s not my fault”

Narcissists hardly ever own their behavior.  If  you are dating someone and you are told that so and so never admits to doing anything wrong let it be a HUGE red flag.

We are all human and we all make mistakes, unless you are living in a narcissistic mind.  In their mind they are always right and can do no wrong.  This is why it is impossible to get along with them.  This is why there is tension around them and they seem self absorbed.

How many of you have heard this:  “I’ll own my part if you own your part.”  Sometimes/most times there is no “your part!”  This is where you literally turn around in a full circle and look at them and say “what are you talking about?”  Yep, you got it, it never makes sense.  The only thing that makes sense is they never find fault with themselves and dare not ever admit to any wrong doing.  In fact, everything they say you are doing is usually exactly what they are doing.

If you know these things, you can actually know exactly what’s happening while it’s being said to you and you can either ignore it or you can actually stay calm and stick to facts and not put up with it.  You can discredit their manipulative recall of facts, but you will probably pay a price.  So beware!

“Oops, you broke a glass, sweetheart.”

“Why did you put it so close to the edge of the counter?  It’s not my fault!”

“Oh, of course it’s my fault.  Sorry sweetheart.  I’m so dumb for doing that, aren’t I?”

If this sounds familiar, they got you right where they want you, jumping to please them.

IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT!  REMEMBER THAT!

Ilaya

The silent treatment

As most people know when dealing with a narcissist, the control tactic of the silent treatment rears its ugly head from time to time.

Narcissists love controlling their fuel supply by ignoring them.  Whether they ignore your email, your words, your presence, or your phone call, it’s called the silent treatment.  To kids sometimes they isolate them by punishing them to their room over maybe not such a big deal as their dysfunctional mind creates.  Maintaining control over their environment is the name of the game.  They have to do this.

The silent treatment is very damaging.  Very abusive.  Very unhealthy and abnormal.  When you are in it, you might not realize how badly you are being treated.  Most victims keep jumping through the hoops to please which is exactly what’s desired.  Running to the narcissist, giving them attention, or pleading for them to talk to you is unfortunately a normal response to this dysfunctional life that is being carefully placed on your very being.

Ironically, do you realize that those moments of silence they want to demand of you should be times when you look out your window and think about what’s best for you?  Don’t shutter in fear over how to make up, or please, or smooth it over.   When the last straw happens, then you will be comfortable in saying:  “Go ahead and be gone.”   No contact is the ultimate silent treatment.

Ilaya

What is your last straw?

We all have limits, boundaries, and opinions.  Sometimes these things are extinguished when we are in abusive relationships.  We give the benefit of the doubt.  We give one last chance.  We feel sorry for others who seem to be authentic.

Being involved with a narcissist makes the victim’s world smaller and smaller over time.  Their control over every aspect of your life causes a slow death.  The death of who you are, your goals, your happiness, your friendships including your own family members sometimes.  It’s like a smoldering fire that eventually goes out, if you reach your last straw.

What was your last straw or when do you think your last straw will be?  Sometimes it does take a lot of us to leave.  Sometimes it’s physical abuse.  Sometimes it’s just too many years of being made to feel inferior and useless.  Sometimes it takes extreme exhaustion to finally give up.  Maybe a family member helped remove you from the situation.

Just realize that all of our journeys are different.  One person’s breaking point may not be another’s.  It’s okay.  You have to do what’s right for you.

Reflect on this if you are dealing with a narcissist:  There WILL be a last straw for you.  Be ready for it.  Don’t be surprised.  Welcome it, because more than likely it will be your new beginning to a path of peace and happiness.

Blessings to all of you.

Ilaya