But, that’s how it’s supposed to be

  We all have expectations about life, people, and circumstances. We have a “norm” that we point our moral compass to. We usually don’t even think about it unless something happens out of the “norm” and it catches our attention. Even then we still might not sit and ponder the events like we should in order to get to the truth. The tugging of how it should be keeps us in a toxic relationship for too long and keeps us from digging deeper into what reality is and what we deserve. 

  Making excuses for a narcissist is very common. I did it. ”Oh he is sick today. It will get better. He is just having a bad day. I can change him! This can’t be happening because it just can’t be.” Our expectations don’t match up to a narcissist’s behavior and the gap between realizing this and getting free is the dark tunnel of abuse. But hey, don’t beat yourself up for expecting someone to be nice, kind, loving, giving, honest, and hard working, etc. The charm and the deceit makes it fuzzy and we wait and endure, but the norm never comes and most importantly doesn’t stay. The mean-nice-mean-nice cycle keeps us in it! The glimpse of the norm does happen, but it’s a false promise and until you go through enough of these cycles, you don’t realize the truth, because darn it, “IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE THIS WAY!” ”He’s so handsome, She’s so beautiful, He’s so charismatic, but He wants it to work out.” And on and on. We get sucked into thinking that these superficial traits somehow translate into; they are a good catch. Well, actions speak louder and great hair is just great hair. Yeah, I learned the hard way. I’m right there with you.

  Do you find yourself in the waiting game of “that’s how it’s supposed to be”? Well, you aren’t alone and it’s time to close the gap. Are you in the tunnel still? Is your footing unsure and your spirits dampening? Is it time to sit and ponder and maybe ask yourself some questions? You’re only human if your expectations were set properly. Just realize that your disappointment about those expectations could very well mean a much deeper truth that could be life changing. What’s your true reality today? Don’t be fooled by the hair and don’t get caught in the waiting game!

Have a wonderful weekend,

Ilaya

  

  

It’s like a tunnel

  Entering a relationship with a narcissist is like entering a tunnel. There’s an excitement at the beginning because it’s a new journey. A journey that you assume will be safe, fun, new, and adventurous. Well, it’s a journey for sure. There is some excitement and lots of surprises along the way, but it’s not what you think. Not at all.

  A lot of us don’t realize what we are getting ourselves into when we start a relationship with a narcissist. Most of us don’t even know the true meaning of the word, let alone know what’s in store for us. As we enter into the relationship further, the bright light from the beginning starts to dim into just an ambient light that hides reality. We start looking left and right. We start realizing our footing is unsure and wonder what’s lurking in the dark. The huge spider off to the left makes us cry, the scurrying rodent up ahead makes us cautious and the icy patch of frozen water makes us fall. We can’t see clearly in this tunnel and we find ourselves looking back where that bright light was. We look back and remember how we used to feel. However, we can’t go back now. We can’t undo the decision that we made to enter this long dark trek. We keep on moving forward. We continue to be scared of the surprises like the bat hanging up overhead. We jump. We dodge. We beat ourselves up for walking this walk. Why did I do this? Why am I here? How do I get out of this precarious predicament? You keep walking with your heart pounding out of your chest. The fuzzy environment is just too much. The unknown, the moment to moment uncertainty is gut wrenching and the stress is unbearable. Then you see someone coming toward you. They too are in the tunnel. You warn them what’s up ahead and caution them about the superficial realities that you experienced. The bat, the rodent, the spider and the ice are all just labels of what you thought you endured. The deeper truth is, there’s a narcissist in the tunnel and that my friends is a game changer. 

  By the time you are at the end of the tunnel, a lady named Ilaya is there with an outstretched hand. The sunlight accents her silhouette and you hear her voice, “Come with me, grab my hand and I will show you the truth outside of this tunnel where reality is authentic, scary things are in the light, and you successfully walk around the ice.” 

  Are you in the tunnel? The only way out is to empower yourself with knowledge. Knowledge is the answer! So many people need to avoid entering into the darkness of narcissistic abuse. I am so glad to empower you today and stand along side of you. You can do this! You can understand why you are enduring so much pain and anxiety and find a safe way out. The tunnel doesn’t have to be forever. Go toward the light. Keep on keeping on. Just imagine me with my hand out, ready to pull you through and be your friend on the other side. You got this AND YOU ARE NOT CRAZY! Just remember, the narcissist will always be in the tunnel of darkness, but you don’t have to be in there with him ever again.  

With my arm stretched out,

Ilaya

The Set Up

  I’m so grateful to be alive today, to share with you once again from my heart. This is my zone of service to all of you who are interested in narcissism and who are survivors of their abuse. It’s a deep connection we have and one that needs to continue and be shared with others.

  Narcissists are calculated individuals. They plan their attack on their victims with never-ending energy that exhibits no boundaries. The damage goes in every direction and the clean up can take a long time unless you are empowered with knowledge. This is where I come in. :-)

  Narcissists are good at setting you up. If you don’t acknowledge that they are right, talk to them a certain way, give them every ounce of your energy, time, and attention you are in trouble. It’s a lose lose circumstance. How many of you have tried to win the argument over and over again only to be at the same end result which is, you are sad, crying, and put in your place? They can be very creative and the set up subtle. I know a narcissist who purposely left the room before midnight to see if his spouse would seek him out to kiss him at the beginning of the new year. Now that’s calculated, selfish, and attention seeking beyond what the rest of us could even imagine doing. She got “in trouble” big time. This is life with a narcissist, however. A narcissist can tell you how wonderful you are, but as soon as you misstep, misspeak, mis-anything they will knock you down off of that pedestal so fast that you won’t know what hit you. You will just know you are sad again as the cycle repeats.

  Is a narcissist setting you up? Do you recognize any patterns? Are you stuck in a life cycle that continues in a circle instead of a forward moving momentum of events with healthy goals? Life shouldn’t be in a circle beat into the ground, but instead it should be moving forward with ups and downs, twists and curves that create healthy growth in life’s journey. Surround yourself with people who put you on a pedestal, but lovingly keep you there. Yes, lovingly keep you there. This is where healthy boundaries come in, as toxic people are removed from your immediate circle. This is called self love not selfish. Please reread that again. We all have value and gifts to share and a narcissist doesn’t want you to believe that about yourself. At least not for too long, because it’s all about them, not you at all. You are just their supply for their selfish gains. Are you a supply for a narcissist today instead of a self love supply for you?! Are you being set up? 

  Please share in the comments some set ups that you have experienced in order to enlighten others about narcissistic abuse. I would really appreciate it!

This is how you should be standing on the pedestal exhibiting self love and confidence! This is what you deserve! See the difference? Remember, YOU ARE WORTHY!

Blessings of enlightenment and community,

Ilaya

  

Cross Referencing

  Are you around someone who you feel like you have to cross reference what they are saying? Do you find out later the truth about a topic that you were lied to about? Are you constantly wondering if you are being told the truth? Do they talk about the same thing over and over again to make their point so you totally “understand them?” Well, maybe you are around a narcissist. It’s worth researching and understanding why you feel so confused, doubtful, and suspicious.

  A narcissist uses people as their supply for their insecurities and their games. Creating confusion gives them a leg up on you so that they can demean you by gaslighting. Basically, telling you that you are wrong and mistaken about the “truth.” It makes you doubt yourself and that’s exactly where they want you to be and live. This way they feel powerful and in control. If you feel like you have to check the facts about what their are saying, does that seem normal to you? Trust is so important in a relationship and if a narcissist’s lips are moving they are probably lying. It’s just a fact. 

  Does the cross referencing, wondering, and having the feelings of doubt exhaust you? Wearing you down is what they want. Their tangle of lies with some research will lead you to the answer. No healthy relationship should be this hard. Suspicion, doubt, and confusion can not reside in the same place as a healthy, normal relationship. 

  Is cross referencing something you want to spend your energy on? It’s a new year, intentional living is on my list, not spinning my wheels in circles with nonsense from a narcissist. How about you? 

Happy New Year!

Ilaya