One of the effects of being around a narcissist is being a victim of their relentless invalidation of your identity. This is one of the worst things that a narcissist can do especially to a young person. What are the effects of this you ask? Well, it can change your life’s trajectory by eliminating your ability to live in reality and cope with everything that life can bring. It can lead to a life of complete turmoil.
A narcissist has many tactics that are used to invalidate your thoughts, your dreams, and even your identity. Feelings of not mattering or not being important are devastating to anyone, but especially for a child. Growing up not knowing who you are, where you belong, or what you should do are huge problems. I personally experienced this invalidation tactic about a year ago. Someone tried to tell me if I show up and do a particular thing that it just doesn’t matter. Knowing what I know, I called bullshit and socked it to him in a verbal confrontation. You want to talk about empowerment. I couldn’t sleep after that conversation it was such a power trip (not that I needed that at all), but just knowing what exactly was being put on me and my deflection of it, was an incredible experience. It pays to understand why certain people don’t make sense, say things that aren’t true, and make your gut churn. Luckily, I have my identity and this narcissist failed at his attempt to “put me in my place.” :-)
So, what about those who have lost their identity or never had it? Well, believe it or not those victims can end up with Borderline Personality Disorder. They have a huge problem with abandonment. Their reactions are extreme. They are so hard on themselves and self sabotage a lot. It makes complete sense to me why a narcissistic parent is toxic beyond the here and now, creating life altering affects for the children. Imagine, being constantly put down, devalued and caught in the toxic grasp of a narcissist, never realizing your identity or perhaps you lost your identity during a bad relationship. Remember the good ole “silent treatment” tactic that narcissists use. What a way to devalue you ,right? Not speaking to you, giving you the message that you don’t matter just that one simple destructive behavior can set a person up for a miserable life. A life where they can’t cope, can’t succeed in relationships or at work. The simple stressors that do come with life are made into huge ordeals because you simply have an identity issue and disassociate from reality. It is so sad and the best we can do is recognize this, have compassion for these victims and be a positive influence. These people need to be told they are worthy of a better life and deserve to be free from their negative thinking. Do not tell them they NEED help, but instead tell them THEY ARE WORTHY OF BEING FREE OF THEIR NEGATIVE THOUGHTS.
Do you know of someone who was abandoned or grew up with a narcissistic parent who is having trouble coping with life? I encourage you to research Borderline Personality Disorder. Please don’t call these people “nuts.” Looking at people with this reflective lens, can make all the difference in the world for them and you. These people don’t want to be this way. They truly aren’t weaponizing their behavior for evil. They are desperate for your understanding and positive feedback. I won’t say it’s easy being around them, but there may be hope with a therapy called DBT. It’s worth dropping your superficial descriptors of your loved one and doing your own homework on this to avoid future devastation and loss.
We all are valuable and have a purpose. If you are around someone who puts themselves down a lot, lives in a doom or gloom reality, is clingy, and lives in emotional extremes, please take a moment and realize they could have Borderline Personality Disorder. Use your lens of compassion instead of the lens of judgment. You might be surprised of the change in them and your relationship.
Blessings as always,
Ilaya
Shedding Light on the Narcissist 