Devaluing the Victim

Narcissists are experts at devaluing their victim.  The devaluing can be hidden in their twisted reality that leaves the victim confused and wondering what just happened.

Many victims can’t believe that a person would be mean on purpose.  This is why it’s so confusing to try to understand when the narcissist talks down to you.  Many victims give it a pass by saying, “oh he’s tired,” or “he’s had a rough day,” or “he just needs some sleep,” or “he doesn’t really mean that,” or “he’s just kidding.”  There are many ways to justify their actions because yes it doesn’t make sense to purposely demean another person.  Besides, he’s supposed to love me, right?

Narcissists need to control and keep their victims jumping through hoops.  They may have you thinking that you can’t live on your own or that you can’t go get a job.  Of course they don’t want you to be independent from them because their control is lessened.  They may talk about other women to make you jealous and feel inferior.  The reality is that you will never satisfy their needs because they will constantly change them to keep the game going (Moving the Goal posts).  You will end up running yourself ragged trying to please them.  Confusion sets in when you realize that they truly don’t care and appreciate all of your efforts.

Does this resonate with anyone?  Yes, it’s truly out of the norm and hard to understand.  The man you once loved and thought was Mr. Perfect truly wants to use you to make himself feel good.  It’s a game I chose to never play again with anyone.  How horrible to leave victims feeling worthless and hopeless.

Do not feel ashamed or hopeless.  If you are reading this and educating yourself that means you are on the path to a wonderful new beginning.  It’s okay that you got fooled.  A lot of us do!!  It’s what you do from here that counts.  As I look out my window at the blue sky I smile because I got away and I’m going to keep going.  I’m dreaming about the rest of my life in wonderful anticipation.  I want that for you!

Don’t be devalued.  Value yourself enough to say “NO MORE!”  Smile like I am right now.  You can do this!



It’s the Spyware

phoneI recently have been informed about spyware for phones.  It’s a remarkably easy way to spy on someone.  If you have a brief moment with someone’s phone you can quickly download and install spyware.  It sometimes is used by parents for their teenagers.

So, do you think narcissists would use spyware?  The answer is absolutely and an interesting one.  Narcissists love to look very intelligent.  They may use big words as they speak or write to the local newspaper.  They would love to be a few steps ahead of their victims to look absolutely brilliant.  Think about it.  If they could use your texts, phone calls, and even your camera on your phone to use it against you, they would.

Narcissists would come across like they know everything.  They could say things like, “I bet your mother likes…”  I bet you don’t like…”  They could look like a caring soul when in reality they are using the spyware information to fool you into thinking they are brilliant, caring, and in tune with your needs.  Amazing isn’t it?  Well, it’s happening.

If anybody needs to be spying on somebody, it’s the victim on the narcissist right?  See how this is all turned around?  It’s usually the narcissist who is guilty and it’s interesting that they would spy on their spouse/victim in order to keep reality twisted.  It’s keep the fog going.

Victims!  I want you to know about this and don’t get sucked into a vortex thinking that your narcissistic partner is soooooo smart.  They give themselves away, because you know darn well some things they just shouldn’t know right?  You may want to analyze your phone or have the phone company look at it for spyware.

Don’t be spied on.  Spread the word and keep your phone close to you.

Have another great day!

Ilaya,  Author of The Chameleons Among Us

Contact = Pain for 3 more years

Can you imagine someone telling you that he is going to hurt you for the next three years?  Contact with a narcissist means pain and there’s no way around it.

The narcissist who unfortunately has to be in my life has told me that I have three more years of dealing with him.  It’s been quite unsettling, but I know exactly what this means at least.  It means that he will hurt me anyway he can through our youngest child until our child is 18.  This is what a narcissist does and it’s how they think.

I thought maybe that I have done most of what I needed to do to heal from the horrible abuse I have endured, but I haven’t.  I’ve been doing some reading about healing from the inside out.  This program doesn’t talk about healing during times of contact, however.  As I write this I’m not quite understanding how I can completely heal from the inside when I have to keep dealing with this man.  Believe me, in three years, I’m going to have a huge party as I block all communication from this calculated devious human being.  I guess at that time is when I can completely heal because the wounds won’t be reopened on a weekly or monthly basis.  Controlling my anger, my thoughts, and my daily response to all of this is a full time job.

Don’t get me wrong, I want to heal as much as possible, but I feel it will be fragmented at best as his attacks on me and my family continue whenever he sees fit.  What a three year sentence I’m in!  Well, I guess it could be longer.  Instead of saving money for college I’m paying a lawyer at the moment.  Yes, he’s hitting me from various angles and I’m sure he laughs about it.  I’ve been waiting for karma to show up since it has once for him already.  What a shame that he didn’t learn his lesson during his first round of karma.

His bad energy that he’s putting out will end one day.  I won’t be the receiver of it and life will be much lighter and happier.  In the mean time I have to endure three years of whatever arrows he decides to throw my way.  I will have to do my best to continue to heal with the undercurrent of a stressful anticipation of a legal letter, an email or an abusive story from our children.  He has put me in an emotional box that I have to try to cope with.  It’s not easy, but I’m one tough woman and I will endure!

Yes, I’m in a three year sentence according to him.  I need to look at it as three more years with my youngest child who is awesome.  I need to make the best of it and may my love for my child and life override the nasty moves that the narcissist will try.  I will continue to heal and live my life.  I will continue to learn how to get me back completely despite the moments of contact with the narcissist.  I will figure this out and I will be blessed because my intentions are pure and he will not destroy my fire!

Keep being strong out there!




Don’t Just Survive, But Thrive

I want to encourage all victims to thrive today.  You have a choice, you can live today being depressed and fill your mind with memories or you can settle into who you really are and seize your day.

What are your dreams, passions and desires?  It’s time to thrive and not let your past abuse define you.  Take a moment and admire the sky, the flowers, the birds, the sunrise, and the sunset.  If you haven’t already, set your goals for the year or the next five years.  Make a list and start checking off your accomplishments.  Make it happen.  You can do this!

Book that trip, visit that friend, and take that day off of work.  You deserve it.  Go buy yourself something or just go sit by the lake, the river or your favorite place.  It’s okay to take care of yourself.  You have to in order to not only survive, but to start thriving.

Some of us are workaholics and don’t realize how fast the weeks go by.  Next thing you know you’re in the next decade of your life.  Don’t let this happen.  Don’t let the ex-narcissist define your days.  Don’t let your experience define you or hold you back.

I booked my next trip and I’m super excited to go to a beautiful place that I haven’t seen in over twenty years.  I’m also planning a trip for next year.  What great joy I have today thinking about these trips and being present in my life.  None of our days are guaranteed.  Why should I wait until I’m “retired?”  The time is now.  Take action today even if it is just a walk outside.  Take care of you and breath.  It’s going to be okay and even better if you choose to thrive.



Evil Monsters?

I agree it is hard to understand if you haven’t been a victim of narcissistic abuse to hear that they are “evil monsters.”  So many people find it harsh to call narcissists evil monsters because they relate evil monsters to serial killers, premediated murderers and the like.  It makes sense right?

Then there are the people who want to give them a pass because of their severely abusive childhood.  They can’t be blamed for their actions because of their past, right?  It’s a confusing conversation and one that people who aren’t victims don’t fully understand.  That’s just a fact.  Our human nature is to be compassionate and understanding which is great.  Churches want to be loving to everyone and people want to be forgiving in order to move on with their lives.  But what is the reality?

Victims of narcissistic abuse all have a level of anger and distain that is similar and gut wrenching.  It goes deep into their core and is hard to reconcile.  Forgiveness is hard and sometimes telling our stories is hard for outsiders to fully grasp.  Sometimes victims aren’t believed at all, because the stories are harder to understand than the last local murder we read or hear about.  I’m not talking lightly about even crimes that are committed, I’m just comparing the understanding part of it.  Narcissistic abuse is hard to understand unless you have lived it.

So, back to the evil monster part.  Yes, victims feel like narcissists are evil monsters due to their emotional abuse that only leave inside scars that are as bad as any outside bruises.  Emotional abuse isn’t visible so it’s hard to convey and prosecute.  As the chameleons live among us, their charm and charisma fool even the most intelligent people.  Their lies twist reality and their dashing smiles use people without them knowing it.  Their false stories create much needed empathy and their fuel supply is replenished as the victim sits in court losing, sits at home depressed, sits crying at a loss because her “crazy” story isn’t believed.  Only other victims and maybe close friends believe the story and offer support while some victims lose custody of their children and their own identity during the relentless battle for justice.

Are these evil monsters aware of their behavior?  Absolutely!  They know exactly what they’re doing and I believe they relish in the triumphs.  It’s what they live for and they’re always looking for the next challenge.  They’re adults hurting other adults and children.  Their tactics are well documented with names such as “hoovering,” “projection,” “shaming,” “mirroring,” “destructive conditioning,” “love-bombing” and “triangulation” to name a few.  Do you do any acts in life that actually have a documented name?  I would hope not and I would like to say most of us don’t unless it’s an act of kindness, charity, sympathy, or support.  You know all the good stuff.  Their behavior has been studied and labelled.  It’s okay to call a spade a spade.  I call narcissists “evil monsters,” behind closed doors of course, you see?  It’s true and I think all victims would agree.  I can’t and won’t give them a pass because of their abusive childhood.  Though they have deep rooted problems, they also have a moral responsibility to others.  I won’t call it a moral disorder either.  Hurting others isn’t okay on any level and it’s not surprising that victims get so angry and frustrated.

Yes, I call narcissists evil monsters just like most victims do.  It’s frustrating because narcissists won’t change and there is no real answer but to get away from them.  You see how the label “evil monsters” just gets perpetuated?  There is no cure and victims are being destroyed everyday globally.  Some have even committed suicide.  It’s a problem and more awareness needs to occur.

If you have a friend who needs to understand life with a narcissist, please share my book with them.  My novel is to spread awareness and knowledge through a relatable story.  The signs and tactics are exposed in The Chameleons Among Us available at  For more information go to my website,

I would love any feedback from any of my readers!

Take care of yourself and get away from the evil monsters in your world.



Painful to My Mind

Every now and then I log onto a support group for abused people mostly from narcissists.  I have to be in the right frame of mind to read the stories because they are painful to my mind.  I know all about them from my own experience, but being reminded of the abuse is hard.  My love and support goes out to all of those in the midst of the battle.

Today, I read about a mother who was devastated as she found out that her ex narcissistic husband shamed their young daughter.  The daughter didn’t want to do a particular activity that was rightfully scary.  The father photographed her sitting on the floor pouting and then running away.  He then posted these pictures on social media to make fun of her.  The mother is right in asking, “Who does this?”

The answer is, a narcissist.  Shaming the children is common and severely abusive.  I show such behavior in my novel and it infuriates me as a mother.  What person in their right mind would make fun of their child and further get a laugh out of sharing the shaming with others.  Sometimes narcissists aren’t very smart and I hope the world saw right through this man’s behavior as he proudly posted a young girl upset.

Time and time again it is revealed that narcissists are dangerous, abusive, and detrimental to the growth of their children.  Their goal is to get a rise out of the other parent.  Again, who has time to think of this stuff and then execute it like their some larger than life being?  Instead they are severely broken people with huge problems affecting so many.

Another story talked about a man putting huge clothes on a young toddler.  The clothes were two times the correct size.  As the mother tried to teach the father about buying the right size clothing, he simply mentioned that “is this stuff you plan to use in court?”  There’s no care here and life is just a game to them.  Scrambles your brain doesn’t it?

The struggles are real and devastating on many levels.  It’s all bad and horrific to live through.  I understand the women who want to stay until the kids are 18 because the kids won’t be alone with the narcissistic father.  I get it.  It might be best for the kids but boy it won’t be easy up until then.

We need to keep spreading the word.  We need more movies, books, and talks about narcissism.

Have a great day.

Ilaya,  Author of The Chameleons Among Us

Signs of a Con

I so wish I knew the signs of a con when I became a young woman.  I always thought a con man was a really bad guy on TV.  You know, one of those mafia guys you see getting arrested on the evening news.   I never would have thought that I would have met one or that they were in everyday life.

So, if I knew the signs of a con, my life would have gone in a completely different direction.  I refuse to live in the past or dwell on the what if, but I do chose to live in reality and at least recognize that there are cons out there and people just need to know the signs.

What are the signs?  Well, I will give a short list that I’ve learned.

1.  Cons move very quickly in a relationship.  They will say “I love you” very early in the relationship when in reality, love takes time.  They shower their victim with gifts and admiring words to flood the victim so that their intent is hidden.  Beware and let time reveal the truth!

2.  Cons throw out fake promises.  They may say things like “I’ll take you on that trip next year.”  Their promises are delayed.  This is a red flag and you should ask “Why can’t we go sooner?”  Lots of promises that don’t come true is a sign of a con.  Ask questions and again time brings out the truth

3.  If it seems too good to be true it probably is.  Don’t fall for the incredible good looks.  If your gut tells you he is cheating he probably is.  Listen to those feelings and again time will reveal the truth and a private investigator can also.  Be your own little spy because this is your life and your future!  I never understood the gravity of how important it is to choose the right person to marry or devote your life to.  The consequences can be devastating and avoided with proper knowledge!

4.  If their phone is locked and always with them, it’s a red flag.  Only people who have things to hide act this way.  Be suspicious for sure and ask to see their phone.  If a fight ensues then I say “GUILTY!”

Don’t let your brain get scrambled by cons.  It’s real and can be devastating.  Your whole life can be affected.  Young people need to understand the signs and cons need to be called out on who they are and what they do.  Teach your kids and spread the word.

Cons aren’t just on TV.  They could be your neighbor, your lover, that guy on the dating site you are so attracted to.  Beware.  It’s more prevalent than you think.

Say no to CONS!  Narcissists are Cons.