Does Reasoning Lead to Clarity?

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I don’t know about you, but I have a very logical mind.  I like things to make sense and I learn by knowing why and how.  I think it’s mostly a good thing, but maybe not when you’re dealing with a narcissist.

Interactions with a narcissist are quite complex especially to those who don’t know why they do what they do.  Victims get confused because their actions and words don’t make sense.  Their goal is to keep you jumping to try to understand them.  Like chameleons they camouflage who they really are.  A logical mind can’t make sense of irrational behavior and their mismatch of words and actions leads to much confusion and deception.  Confusion is one of their goals, because a confused mind is one that’s an easy target for gaslighting.  A confused mind is an easy target to create self-doubt and push the victim over the insecure ledge and down a spiraling road.  Can you picture this?

Now, you would think reasoning is a good thing and maybe sometimes it is.  It can bog down the mind with assumptions and speculations, however.  When trying to figure out the actions and perhaps lies of a narcissist, reasoning isn’t in your favor.  It can make you physically exhausted and obsessed about the why’s and how’s.

Are you trying to figure out the narcissist in your life?  Well, the best thing to do is to educated yourself on how they live and survive.  Learn about their tactics and you will get to the point of anticipating their cookie cutter behavior.  This is the best way to deal with a narcissist’s behavior instead of reasoning.  Reasoning should be left to “normal” situations and dealing with a narcissist is anything but normal.

I say quit exhausting yourself and know the signs, symptoms, tactics, and triggers.  You will have less reasoning going on and just acceptance for what it is.  Journal your experiences.  You can try to speak up against their behavior, but just know it will probably launch them into a narcissistic rage.  Choose a more peaceful mind and in this case, throw logic right out the window.  You don’t need the head games and the deception.  Don’t get wrapped  up in being scared or frustrated because you can’t understand their behavior.  There simply is no point to your efforts.  Put your energy toward something that actually benefits your life.

A peaceful mind comes from not reasoning the actions of a narcissist.  Do you need to control your mind today?  I hope this sheds some light on why you’re frustrated and confused as you try to understand why they say they love you, but their actions show differently.  Are you confused on why they want you back, after they did a huge smear campaign on you only to cover up their abuse to the outside world?  I could go on and on with examples like this.  I hope this clarifies what you need to do.

Have a wonderful day.  If this post helped you, make a comment or email me.  I would love to hear from you.  Like the song says, “It’s going to be okay!”

Ilaya

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The Rules of Non-Engagement

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I’ve said over and over again that contact with a narcissist equals pain.  This pain comes because most victims truly never heal completely which is very hard to accomplish.  Therefore any contact through words or looks affects the victim with flooding abusive memories.  This is normal and is why no contact is recommended.  Not everyone can have no contact, however.

So what do you do when a narcissist attempts to have contact?  Say little or nothing at all.  Stick to facts and keep your emotions out of it.   Bullet your emails or your thoughts when you have to communicate.  Say little and keep it business-like.  Let’s face it, non-engagement is the best.

If you are in a relationship with a narcissist or were in the past, you know trying to talk to them is extremely hard if not impossible.  They live in a different reality and see things through a different lens.  It’s a myopic lens looking in the mirror right back at themselves.  This is the extent of their world.  Your opinion doesn’t matter and the truth evades their memory or at least they want you to think so.  So what is the point in trying to have a conversation?  You got it, there is no point.

Today, I used no words as a narcissist tried to act like he was being nice.  His actions have always been mean, nice, mean, etc.  What’s hard is that others don’t know the truth.  Others think I’m mean because he has drummed up his story about me.  He has lied like all of them do.  It’s hard for victims to get over the smear campaign.  But, today as words started coming my way, I was armed!!!  Knowing exactly who he is, allowed me to speak nothing.  There is no point and I believe there never will be.  Until I get a list of all of his abuse that he has carried out and a sincere apology for every single thing, I will never engage.  This doesn’t mean that I’m not healing, it actually means that I am!

I know I’m healing because I didn’t get sucked into the “charm.”  I actually wanted to put my hand up and continue walking away.  Maybe next time, because lets face it the apology will never come.  The sincerity will never be there and this girl will never be snowed by another narcissist, ever.  I didn’t get sucked into the vortex of fakeness and I maintained a healthy boundary.  If people think I’m mean because I didn’t engage today, well, let them.  I truly don’t care anymore.  Until they  have walked in my shoes they truly don’t understand.  Until they have been hurt by a narcissist they will never understand the cycle of abuse they unleash on their victims.  They will never understand the mean, nice, mean, nice cycle where the “nice” phase isn’t authentic.

I like the rules of non-engagement.  It’s like having a shield of protection with the knowledge of a genius.  I’m not saying I’m a genius, but instead my knowledge empowered me greatly.  No wasted breath and I gave no fuel.  I felt like I seriously had body armor on.  It was great!  After everything he has done, he thought he could win me with “kindness.”  Little does he know, I know exactly how he operates.  No words was the best thing I could have done and sharing this with the world will help people who are struggling with being sucked into the charm over and over again.  I get it!  Believe me, I get it!  Besides if you don’t have anything good to say, just say nothing, right?

Use the rules of non-engagement and occupy your mind with positive thoughts instead.  If you have the knowledge, you can smile and walk away.  Don’t be their puppet anymore, but instead be that person in that body armor protected from the arrows of deception.  Because if there is contact, those arrows will come and they will try to damage you once more.

Ilaya, Author of The Chameleons Among Us.

Our Mind Is Precious Real Estate

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If you are reading this blog, you may be a victim or know someone who is a victim of a narcissist.  I hope to shed some light on the mind control that happens when you are involved with a narcissistic personality.

Narcissists are controllers.  They try to control every aspect of your life, even your mind.  Through their manipulative tactics they try to get you to think you’re crazy and that certain things didn’t happen.  Most of us get sucked into this crazy vortex, but if you know this is what they do, then you can avoid the vortex.  If you find yourself doubting yourself or thinking, “I know this is what happened,” I suggest you find time to read the rest of my blog and many others out there.

Your mind is precious and needs to be protected.  We already have self chatter going on in our minds with normal everyday life, but a narcissist will add to this chatter a million fold.  We find ourselves wondering why they can be nice one day and mean as hell the next.  Sometimes the mood shifts can be by the minute.  We walk on eggshells and never know when they’ll explode into a narcissistic rage.  This is for the birds!  Then throw on top of that their gaslighting to twist your once normal mind into a fragile self doubting mess.

Remember, they want you to be a mess.  They want you to have a low self esteem and no opinion in everyday matters.  They want to OWN your mind.  Our precious minds are being controlled sometimes with us not even knowing it because we think we love them.  We think we know them and how could they possibly be a bad person when they are so charming, handsome, beautiful, and their smile is to die for.

Putting aside all of the superficial things that hide who they really are, then you have a narcissist who is chasing after that mind of yours to own it.  They want to own that precious real estate.  It’s time to take back your property and never sell it again.  Protect yourselves and educate anyone you know who is going through this.

I have a list of the after-effects of narcissistic abuse on http://www.ilayabaxter.com.  The mind control continues even after you are out of the relationship.  They continue to own your mind until you decide to not sell it anymore!  It takes work, but it’s work that needs to be done to regain your life and happiness.

Do you need to stop the thoughts and memories from consuming your daily life?  When those thoughts come, just say no and replace them with happy thoughts.  Try to live in the moment and enjoy the small things in life.  Take back ownership of that precious real estate of yours!

Smile today for no reason and do something nice for someone in need.  It’s going to be alright.

Ilaya, Author of The Chameleons Among Us

They Want to Conquer You

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Narcissists plan to conquer you in everyway they can.  Their goal is to hurt you and disrupt your life.  They need to make you feel bad so they feel good.  They need to see you cry so they feel superior.  They like making you feel inferior while they relish in the control they have over your life.

Sounds like the perfect relationship.  Yeah, right.  Well, if you look at it this way maybe you will have the strength to get out before it’s too bad.  Maybe you will leave before you live together or get married.  Maybe you won’t second guess yourself since you know there are some red flags waving before you making your gut churn a bit.

Narcissists seek to destroy you by distracting you from the truth.  Their twisted reality sure can make your head spin leaving you will a lot of self doubt.  Making you feel crazy is their name to their game.  Just say no.

Narcissists seek to divide you as they try to conquer you.  They will tear your deepest inner being into shreds.  They will destroy your hope and dreams and keep you jumping to serve them since they are so superior in their minds.  Just say no.

Narcissists use your past against you.  They will get to know you and will slyly log your insecurities.  They will use your vulnerabilities against you instead of love you through them.  Just say no.

Having a relationship with a narcissist is a battle.  It’s a battle not for the weak.  It’s an ugly battle that will leave long lasting scars.  The recovery process is huge and the negative affects may never go away.  I’m not trying to scare you, but instead tell you the truth.

Narcissists want to conquer you by distracting, dividing, and using your past as an emotional weapon.  Is this what you want?  Are you that target that is about to go into a battle that is impossible to win.  Are you ready for the scars?  Are you going to let yourself be conquered?  You can say no.  There’s nothing worth giving up your very being for, though the chameleon will tell you differently.   The chameleon will tell you the exact opposite of the truth.  They will get you thinking you are the bad person.  Don’t let them do this to you!

Remember, narcissists are chameleons with the jaws of a shark.  They camouflage who they are and will tear you to shreds in a matter of seconds without you knowing what exactly happened.  Knowledge is your weapon.  Use it!

Regain your life.  Educate yourself.  Write the best life you can, because you deserve to be happy by engaging in life and not enduring and just existing.

Ilaya,   Author of The Chameleons Among Us.

Narcissists Are Joy Robbers

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I read a lot to try to grow and deal with stress and trials the best that I can.  A sentence struck me lately and I wanted to share.

How can we have joy when we are too busy enduring?  Let me tell you, it’s tough!  Narcissists make their victims suffer immensely.  The emotional abuse, the smear campaign, and the manipulation are catastrophic in every way.  Victims find themselves in a whirlwind sometimes not knowing what exactly is happening.  They eventually find themselves enduring everyday.  They exist instead of living life to the fullest.  We can’t truly have joy when our thoughts run rampant against the enemy.

Enduring should be for athletes or cancer victims.  Enduring should be a sign of strength with hopefully a happy ending of winning.  Enduring a narcissist is draining in every way.  They drain you emotionally, physically, spiritually and financially.  The ending usually isn’t happy, but instead what’s left is an empty human being who has lost themselves and all hope for a joyful life.

Joy is wholesome and refreshing.  Joy is being happy for no reason.  Joy is when you have a smile on your face and your smile is contagious spreading the goodness to others.  Narcissists take this away and victims have to fight incredibly just to have joy back in their lives.  It’s unfair and unfortunate that one human being can be so destructive.

Do you need to reclaim your joy today?  Go for it!  Don’t let that narcissist control your emotions, right down to that simple smile that you don’t have anymore because of their shortcomings and tactics.  Get your smile back and make it your goal to regain your inner joy and peace.  You deserve it and you are worthy of it!

Blessings,

Ilaya

Narcissists Are Just Liars

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It always amazes me how much narcissists have to lie to keep their story going.  They will lie to keep their victim status with their flying monkeys and whoever else will listen.

I keep getting material to post, because I have a narcissist who touches my life.  So here goes another post because well you guessed it, there was contact.  Contact equals pain and contact in any form usually means a rush of emotions that is hard to control and hard to not infuriate me.  But, I’m thankful I’m a strong woman and I will endure this.  This spiritual warfare that I’m in will end just fine for me because my heart is right.  Yes, it takes work to keep enduring the hits from a narcissist, but all I can do is know that I’m a good person and to stay truthful.  I will be fine.  I can’t imagine going through this without the support from friends and a strong faith.

Just remember, narcissists have to play the victim so they can continue to get fuel.  They need sympathy from others and they just love all the attention.  It makes me sick especially since I know impressionable people are being manipulated to believe things that are not true.  If you call a narcissist out on their behavior that is obviously wrong, unless the flying monkeys know the whole truth, they will believe the narcissist.  They are only getting one side of the story and since narcissists are so good at lying and charming, they win, well kind of.

Do they really win? That is an interesting question.  It looks like they win for the moment with the circle of people they are using and lying to.  Yes, it’s hard to endure, but in the bigger scheme of things, they truly don’t win.  They live a sad life that I believe they will have to be held accountable for.  I’ve seen/read many times where time reveals the truth about them, because the fact is they don’t change and their patterns continue into their next relationship etc. etc.  The mask comes off eventually.

Narcissists are astounding liars since they have so much at stake.  They use others to create a “poor me” platform to spring board off and maintain a false life slandering others with reckless abandon.  If you call them out, you are the meanest person ever according to them and they will tell others.  It’s just how this all works.  I hope knowing that empowers you!  Sometimes it’s just not worth the fight and directing your energy toward positive things in your life is best.

Narcissists don’t win.  They win only in their minds, remember that.  It’s incredibly hard to endure the smear campaign and the attacks, but maintaining your integrity will pay off in the end.  Not having a long list to be held accountable for is the goal.  Keeping your heart right and taking the high road is the answer.  Surrounding yourself with loving positive-energy people will empower you to endure the trial.

It’s not easy, but try to see their behavior for what it is.  Look at the truths and try to stop the negative chatter in your head.  Keep your focus on the positives things in  your life, smile, do something nice for someone, go outside, and have an attitude of gratitude to endure your trial that I know so much that you’re going through.  I understand it!

Don’t waste your precious time and energy trying to fix their path of destruction or change who they are.  It’s just not going to work and you will end up frustrated, anxious, stressed, and defeated.

Are you fighting a narcissist without positive change?  Are you suspicious of that coworker who keeps talking poorly about an ex or another coworker?  Narcissism is everywhere and people are getting conned everyday by them.  Not me anymore.  I’m thankful I know so much and won’t be conned into believing that they are good people.  I keep saying global awareness is needed to help lessen the extensive damage that these individuals do.  Wouldn’t it be neat if none of us gave them any fuel at all?  Now, that would be a better world, but most people don’t understand narcissism, unfortunately.  It’s a very sly under-handed manipulation that people don’t understand, recognize, or speak up against because there isn’t enough education on the topic.  It’s also very hard to understand unless you have been affected by one, but all it would take is a movie or documentary to share with the world!   I’ve started sharing to the world with my book that shows twenty tactics during daily interactions with a narcissist.  I’m not stopping there and I will continue to educate and push for global awareness.  Narcissism isn’t going away and I believe it will only get worse.

I hope I helped you come to terms with what they do and how they operate.  That is step one in the healing process.  Yes, narcissists are human beings with deep issues, but that doesn’t mean that any of us have to be their victims.  Being their victim is incredibly painful and a painful life isn’t what any of us should have to endure.

Have another wonderful day,

Ilaya, Author of The Chameleons Among Us

 

“Do You See How This Works?!”

I had an interesting interaction last week.  My friend has a son who was emotionally abused by a narcissistic father.  He wanted to show his mother a video that was trending on youtube that he clicked on.  He was interested in the video because the title involved a father bullying his son and he was curious about it’s contents.

Here is the video of a father who Dr. Phil says is bullying his son.  I’m not saying this man is a narcissist, but I wanted to show what it can be like for a child with a narcissistic parent.  Narcissists are bullies, but maybe not all bullies are narcissists.  This video is painful to watch so if you are sensitive to watching a father yelling at his son (emotional abuse, I call it) then maybe don’t watch.

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After my friend’s son watched this with his mother, he said, “This is nothing! I endured this for hours on end, for days!”  How sad, but true.  Narcissists are intimidating and would definitely say, “Do you see how this works?”  I agree with Dr. Phil and most of us would I think that this isn’t parenting.  Screaming in a child’s face is bullying, period.  My friend’s son was blessed by this video I believe because here is a credible professional calling out the behavior as bullying showing this young man the truth, not that he didn’t know the truth, but confirming it with this example was perfect.  Thank you Dr. Phil!

Are you in a relationship that you could fill in the blanks with the words, “Do you see how this works?”  Are you walking on eggshells and jumping through a narcissist’s hoops?  Do you have children with a narcissist and do you suspect that they are being treated this way?  Destructive conditioning is real and intimidation of a child should be criminal I think.  Yes, I’m passionate about it.  I wish the courts understood this!

All narcissists are bullies, but maybe not all bullies are narcissists.  Nevertheless, all bullying is destructive and emotionally affects the victims perhaps forever.

Where are you today with your bully?  Call out the behavior if not verbally at least in your mind.  Are you ready to stand up for the truth and speak out against another human being purposefully hurting you in order for them to feel good?  Narcissists want to intimidate you whether you are an adult or a child.  This is what they do in order to control and get their way.  They think by yelling and raising the decibels that you will cower and obey giving them fuel.  Now, lets think about this.  Is this the life you want to live daily, being yelled at in order to obey and if you don’t obey there are huge consequences?  Now this could be on a small scale about small daily decisions about what to eat or where to go first or it could be about big decisions like buying a vehicle or a house.  Does your spouse/partner/friend command and demand things from you that you don’t want to agree with?  Do you feel like there will be consequences if you don’t agree?  I have to admit, the boy in the video was trying to have a say.  He knew deep down that he didn’t do anything to his father and that he did respect him.  He tried to have a voice and look what happened.  He was shut down by the bully.  Are you shut down repeatedly?  Yeah, it’s for the birds, right?  Why live like that?

Remember you probably aren’t possessed (it was a great excuse wasn’t it?) and you aren’t inferior.  You are worthy, beautiful, talented, and entitled to be loved.  You should be able to have a say and an opinion and if you aren’t allowed to, well then you might be in the wrong relationship.  Just say no to bullies.

“Do you see how this works?”

Blessings today and every day,

Ilaya