Don’t Fall for the Olive Branch Trick

Many of you know what “hoovering” is.  It’s the biggest reason why victims go back to or stay in toxic relationships.

Narcissists love empty promises, fake remorse, and thin apologies.  This is what they say when you are about to walk out the door or demand that they change.  They pour on the charm and flash you that smile that goes deep within your core, touching the very reason why  you married them.  “He was so handsome, so smart, so successful.  She was beautiful and confident.”

Have any of you heard the phrase, “I’m offering you an olive branch” ?  Well, I have.  During fights, disagreements, and conversations from hell…you know the ones I’m talking about…if they use “I’m offering an olive branch to you,” RUN!

This olive branch couldn’t be more fragile, flimsy, and ready to break.  The “branch” may as well have a hook on the end, not to pick you up gently and bring you back into loving open arms, but to swiftly snatch you up and throw you back into the chaos that you know all too well.

The olive branch isn’t meeting in the middle, owning any faults, nor a healthy resolution to any disagreement you have with a narcissist.  It’s simply an extension of their arm yanking you back into madness.  It sounds good though doesn’t it?  “Aw, sweetheart, but I’m offering you an olive branch.”

Don’t fall for the olive branch trick.  It’s hoovering at it’s best.  It’s fake and means absolutely nothing except a path returning to hell.

Follow me on Instagram at Ilaya_Baxter

Have a great day!

 

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Just Say No

It is unbelievable how much control narcissists have over others.  Their charm, lies, and gaslighting really make a murky soup of smoke and mirrors.

How come it is so easy for us to say, “No, I don’t like seafood.”  or “No, I don’t won’t to go to that movie.”  or “No, I don’t like that red dress.”  Seems like simple decisions and healthy boundaries of everyday life.  Voicing our opinions doesn’t seem too hard when it comes to simple life decisions of food, entertainment and clothes.

However, when it comes to living with a narcissist, the boundaries vaporize into thin air nowhere to be seen but often felt deep within our souls, eventually paralyzing us into a dark depression that lacks goals and dreams.  Our very inner being destroyed and lost.

Why can’t we say “No” to someone who is abusing us and hurts us on purpose?  Because their grasp on our heart, on our life, on our dreams is so tight that it suffocates our reasonable thought process.  We keep hoping for them to change.  We keep hoping that their apology will be authentic.  We keep hoping that tomorrow will be better.  Shall I continue?

Saying “No” to a narcissist can be and usually is ugly.  More rage and anger will happen.  What’s wrong with quietly saying “No more” internally for YOU?

If you can say “No” to a red dress, you certainly can say “No” to a person who purposely hurts you daily whether it be physically or emotionally.  There is a way out.  You have to start by saying “No” in your mind and that is a choice that only you can make.

Ilaya

 

Lack of Sleep?

I’m working on a video for the release of my book within the next month.  It’s been an exciting project especially since I’m so passionate about the topic.  In my video one of my comments is that the abuse affects all aspects of our lives.

One aspect is sleep.  How many of us have lost hours, days, weeks of sleep over the years.  We all know how important sleep is to our overall health.  I’m not surprised that the narcissist once again controls our lives even when it comes to sleep!

The lack of sleep when dealing with a narcissist can be because of extreme anxiety.  It certainly is hard to sleep when your anxiety is through the roof, not knowing what will be next in the chaotic tangled web of lies and rages.  Sometimes there are fights with the narcissist that last all night long.   Their need to be right and control their victim is so strong that an all-nighter, knock ’em out, drag ’em out fight is normal to them.  They don’t care about the next day, because they only care about winning in the moment.  They have to be right no matter the cost.

Some victims lose sleep because they are trying to figure out how to get out of the home.  Some victims lie in bed angry because their narcissistic partner looks at pornography and is destroying the marriage.  The victim despises lying next to their unemotional, uncaring, unloving partner they thought they knew.

Sleep.  It is so important and the lack of it will kill you eventually.  Not only do your kids need you to be rested, but YOU need YOU to be rested.  Life is so short and lack of sleep can cause irreversible health concerns that can affect the rest of your life.

Sweet dreams survivors and for those still in those tumultuous relationships, I truly hope you can make sleep a priority because YOU deserve it!

Ilaya

Be Unbreakable

Not only are narcissists in a unique club of their own, but also victims can be proud of what they have endured.

Victims of narcissistic abuse are in a special club.  They know first hand what it’s like to live and deal with the truly horrific behavior of their larger than life mate.  The narcissist’s behavior occurs behind closed doors carefully crafting a scene that outsiders are oblivious to.  Only victims can come together and truly understand one another.  In general, the stories are all the same.  If you think about it narcissists are easy to spot once you know how they operate and behave.  Use this knowledge in everyday life.

Back to the victims.  I personally put all victims who have survived this type of abuse on a pedestal.  Finally, lets place ourselves on that pedestal for the right reasons, not because the narcissist wants to knock us off of it.  It takes incredible strength to endure living with a narcissist and finally getting out of the relationship.  Truly, pat yourself on your back if you have been that survivor, because you have proven that you are unbreakable.

Yes, moments have felt like you were broken, but if you are still breathing you ARE NOT broken.  You have the power to continue on, educate yourself, and finally say enough is enough and regain your life.  Here is part of an original quote from my book coming out in a few weeks:  “For after the rains, there will be a calm like no other.”

Don’t let that narcissist break you!  Remember you are on a pedestal for enduring relentless, epic,  horrific behavior that us club members understand.

Let’s all stick together.  Encourage one another and raise our glasses and truly say:

We Are Unbreakable!

Ilaya

Epic Determination

Narcissists are strong willed people, but is this a good thing?

Narcissists are determined to get their way no matter the cost.  Their intense fight to control, manipulate, and get their way is so strong that you would think their life depends on it.  Well, it sort of does.  Their self esteem and lack of confidence keeps them fighting to the bitter end.

Narcissists will find a way to get sympathy from strangers (usually by lying), find a way to not pay bills, find a way to manipulate the court in their favor, and find a way to come out smelling like the rose instead of the stinky garbage can they really are.  I know that sounds harsh, but it’s true.  I know that many Thanksgivings were ruined due to the narcissists’ epic determination to not allow others to be happy, because they aren’t happy.

Narcissists will use people to get whatever support they need to reach their goal.  Their goal isn’t a healthy honest life because there’s no “fuel” in that.  They need people to jump through their hoops to self fulfill their need to control.  This comes at whatever cost to all of the oblivious people involved.  This is their life.  They need the drama to keep them going and they need to hurt people to reach their dark agendas.  If you don’t agree with them, you will be either discarded, talked poorly about, or be more of a target with the goal of sucking you into their chaotic vortex.

Am I a pessimist?  No, not at all.  I speak the truth and want to educate you about these very difficult people who are everywhere.  Yes, they are everywhere in society waiting to pounce on their next victim, who could be you.

Arm yourself with the knowledge before you get blindsided by one of them.

Ilaya

Emotional roller coasters

Having a relationship with a narcissist is like being in a non-stop roller coaster ride.  The ups and downs, twists and turns, dark tunnels only to come out to what looks like the light of day, but only to repeat the ride over and over again.  The cycle scrambles the brain and literally creates crazy making chaos.

Just when you think the ride is over, wham, the narcissistic rage happens, gaslighting, or the smack of a smear campaign occurs putting the ride in motion again after only a brief slowing down period that tricks the mind into staying one more day.

Walking on eggshells is common to keep the ride manageable, but in all reality it’s just a brief snapshot of your life that is totally being controlled and suppressing who you are.  Jumping through hoops and catering to limitless needs are coping mechanisms to keep the ride from going straight off the tracks until one day exhaustion sets in and no more fight is left.  A decision has to be made:  stay on the never ending ride or jump off.

Jumping off is no less than an almost impossible feat or request, but it can be the beginning of the rest of your life.  The beginning of peace and a calm after the ride from hell.

Where are you in this emotional roller coaster game?  Are you staying on the ride with no change in site or are you jumping off to begin your new life?

Ilaya

Triggers and Memories

As I have said before, narcissistic abuse is a severe form of abuse that needs more attention.  For those who are still in the relationship, I understand it’s hard to leave, but I hope you are educating yourself.  For those who have left, I wonder if you realize the after-effects?

There is something called Post Narcissist Stress Disorder (PNSD) and it’s real.  The littlest “trigger” can send a victim down memory lane, only to relive the horrific past in their mind that so desperately needs to heal.  The victim may feel insecure, have self-doubt, and have low self esteem.  These things can cause the person to avoid social gatherings and be numb to life.  New love relationships can be difficult when a person feels emotionally numb or questions the intent of the new partner.  The person can be irritable, angry or in a nutshell emotionally volatile.  They can go into self destructive behavior, have trouble sleeping, and have panic attacks.  The list goes on and on.

The effects of narcissistic abuse can be haunting for a long time.  I wonder how many survivors realize this.  Again, education is key and I hope my blog helps many people globally.

I picture a retreat ranch somewhere, somehow, sometime for survivors who just need the understanding and the peace to regroup and continue on with life in a more positive healthy fashion.  People need to realize that they aren’t alone and they need to realize the significant after-effects that cause them to react and behave the way they do.

Narcissists are damaging not only in the past, but the present and the future.  We can’t erase what they have done, but we can choose to live a life of healthy abundance.  Good luck to all the survivors on this journey.  It is a tough one for sure!!!

Ilaya